Victimhood

There are the moment when you truly feel alone, out of place. You realize you don't quite fit in anywhere. It may not be true, but the feeling nonetheless is very real. I've felt this all week. With a friend who has not responded to renewed conversation. Perhaps because I shared me hurt it pushed her away. It is hard for me to not feel as though some of the circumstances of my life are indeed my fault. A cause of not being funny enough, not being outgoing enough, not being lovable. Yes these are my thoughts though I know them to be victimizing thoughts. They are true statements for a lot of us. A lot of us do feel unlovable in the mist of the crowd or alone. For me that is the struggle how do I believe in love, in friendship, when it feels as though people do not want to engage in the idea. I have fleeting moments of this. Of feelings as though I've found it and then one relationship from my past can through it all out of kilter. Its amazing really if you sit and think about it. The healing needs to deepening. I need to believe in myself to the core. And the truth is I don't. I fear more than anything that I am inadequate. That may weird ways will never be loved enough to be dear friends. That I will be left leaning on my work for a sense of worth in the world. Even though I know deep down this is not the answer. I also know the communities of the past are not the answer either. I am in limbo. I have found some true authentic experience of friendship. I have found some true love in my life. I have had healed. And I find myself spun back around to victim. Victim to my own emotions as the tumble through my like a tornado. Trying to grab hold only seems to make it worse. I need space, I need to breathe, I need to bathe in the sun without anything else to do. I want to spread my arms wide and scream. Let all my anger seep out of me and feed the earth. I want to be free.