The Holidays

The holidays now contain a whole new meaning. A meaning I'm not sure I'd like to grasp. A meaning that almost escapes me. It is dread, despair, loneliness. It is no longer a meaning of joy and happiness. I'd like to blackout the holidays. Create a non-existing experience. Go do something else. It's darkest before the dawn. And I sit wondering where my reality begins and where it ends. I float into feelings and float out because they are just too painful. I'm not entirely sure I want to. I'm not entirely sure how to make sense of your death. It eats at me. It create a chaos I'm not sure how to approach. Journaling seems so impossible. So I write to the internet world knowing only a few actually may read my words. Are the words worth writing? Yes this as close as I get to feeling, expressing my truth. I sit looking remember the events of the last few days. Watching my friend cry for me and the anguish that created in my own psyche. Shouldn't I be crying for my loss? For all the synchronicity? And yet I've built a rock wall I only take down in private, because without my father life is so... difficult. Then there's today's story of a friend calling with an odd surprise. Do you want Owl wings? And I didn't hesitate of course I do! The wisdom emanating from above my bed reminding me to fly! Yes spirit you are there in the most amazing ways. And I sit crying wondering if this is the first gift from the universe during these holidays. For some nights it feels so dark I wonder if I will rise come daylight. If I'll barricade myself ignoring all that life is blessing me with. When it is darkest before the dawn I seem to be missing out on my life. This weekend a four almost five year old taught me that. Children can remind us what is important. And yet though I know I missing out on my life. I also feel as though I am grieving I miss my father. Esp. right now. And all I can do is hope I do not break. This all I want for Christmas is a healed heart.   

I Feel

This is I feel post. For it seems everything has built up to a point of no return. I feel angry. This a constant complaint, but really why shouldn't I be my father was taken away. All I want to say to people who complain about there's is at least you have one. All I want to say is if you hate your's so much give mine back! And all of this boils down to feeling irritated that my roommate cannot clean the stove, she makes me up talking on her phone, she left town while her pumpkin rotted to the nth degree.  And yeah it annoys me because it's disrespectful. And then I find it funny because she's thinks she's so very consciousness. Well that's being human right we see ourselves one way and the world perceives in a different light. Nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is how I feel inside? How I feel like dealing with people is unbelievably difficult. It's why I don't call. It's why it takes everything to have any fun at all. Because it feels easier to mourn alone. There are no human dynamics other than my own. Not that I can deal with those easier but it's simpler. I sit wondering how it is that I manage to be Dean's List student with close to a 4.0 each semester and yet my life is falling apart. I wonder if people notice. I wonder if I notice. Because sometimes I think it's all too much and I'm writing a dangerous edge and something is going have to give. I sit scared wondering how in the world I will make it through.
In group this week a woman turned to me and said wow that must have been horrible to have your dad die three days before xmas. You have no idea. I have no idea. Because I cannot go there. I don't want to imagine it. It's the same with a good friend of mine, "I don't even want to imagine it" yeah I know neither do i! But the problem is I have to live it. I have to face it. I have to go through it. No one, no one can do it for me. No one can scream for me. No one can really be there for me. And I think because of that I've just stopped calling. I've just decided it's easier if I stop trying to explain how I feel because it's too exhausting and yet somewhere I'll need. And it won't matter if they understand. It won't matter if they see me, if they hear me, but somewhere I need to stop floating.

Dad
Lost, Confused, and Frightened.
I see the glowing moon.
Reminding me your not far.
Giving hope to the broken hearted.
The trauma fades to the background
As I face the world.
One day at a time
One breath at a time.
For there is nothing worse than remembering.
And there is nothing better than remembering.
So I do both in order to face today.