Family lost in death

My father's body died. 

My mother's heart broke. 

My brother is lost. 

My spirit is locked away. 

Our family is broken.

I am no longer a child.

We are grieving. 

We are no longer the same.

We have become a family of grief. 

To Begin Again

Each night I live alone

The darkness fills the room

Like an old friend. 

It consumes me. 

I am left to fight it without you.

Since you've left I've forgotten how to live. 

As if I slipped into a void when you died. 

I died too. 

I am no longer living.

The pain has taken over.

I sit in the middle of night

crying your name. 

Wishing for only my father. 

You do not answer. 

The screams echo in the darkness.

Nothing comforts. 

Nothing heals. 

Life is too much. 

Yet somewhere I hear a faint whisper. 

Of hope.

Of faith. 

Of rememberance. 

Your legacy will not die with me. 

If only I could find a way to live again. 

To begin again.

Shadow

If I disappear behind the shadow of the mountain

Would you notice.

Would you see my pain

That sits just behind the shadow of my heart.

What would happen if I dissipated with the rain?

Perhaps you’d finally realize how important truth is.

I Am Somebody

No one has remembered you.

I remember.

Yet I try to forget.

I hide the fact that you existed.

And now I hurt more deeply than ever.

There tears barely come.

In every mirror I see you in my eyes.

I see you in my cheek bones.

I see you in my smile.

Yet I cannot smile.

It’s too much to bare.

Without you daddy, it’s too much.

It cannot be your birthday.

How do I call you?

I sit numb

Like the ocean tide wiping away your memories.

I’m alone.

I’m empty.

I haven’t cried in over a week.

You’re not here.

You never were.

And I’m so angry.

Redness overwhelmed with hurt.

All that is seen is the darkness of survival.

All I see is the vain existence in life.

What is worth living if you are not here?

What is worth seeing if I cannot share it with you?

Who am I without you?

I’m a daughter lost at sea.

Where is your hand?

Life

Torn away from those you loved most deeply.

Alone in the hurricane.

Without a rope

Without a hope

With only the hope that I can do this.
I do this for you daddy.

I survive for you.

If not for who would I be.

I would be a nobody.

I am a somebody because of you!

A Story to Tell

I have a story to tell but I do not know what it is. Sitting in the silence brings up all kinds of anger. Anger at people who failed to call. People who do not ask how I am. People who pretend I should be over this. People who think losing a parent is no big deal. I do not wish to engage. I do not wish to approach them and tell them how deeply hurt I am. Without means of understanding. I sit, confused. Unbelieving that my father is gone. How is it truly possible that my hero disappeared into thin air without even a simple good bye? I wonder what is my part in this story. This hurts like nothing I've ever felt. I wonder where do I go. Where do I stand? All these question run, run, and run through my brain. I wonder dad what you would say. Sometimes I hear you... in my ear faintly whispering the answer. What would you say about how I am coping? What would you say to each of us? Would you be proud of me? Would you give me a big hug? How I wish I could have only said goodbye.

I have a story to tell 

But I do not know what it is. 

It has yet to unfold. 

I sit in the silence as if the answer will expose itself. 

All there is anger. 

Why did you not call?

Why am I invisible?

How can I live without my father? 

It all filters slowly through my heart.

No sense can be made.

A fire begins to build

I shield it.

For I do not know what kind of storm it will bring.

I fear it's strength.

The distructive nature that I've felt. 

Without my calm father.

The emotions spill out like lava. 

And I turn, and turn, and turn

staring at a blank canvas.

One day my story will be told.

It will help others understand their's.

Love

Love

Is the sound of water flowing

Is the beautiful scent of flowers

Is the act of touching two hands together.

The feeling of the vibrating energy passing through them.

The trembling lips of excitement.

The anxiety waiting for a phone call.

Lying underneath the sun looking only into their eyes.

Knowing that you are seen without any of your walls

Without any of your defenses.

That you are seen completely and totally naked

While being fully clothed.

The eyes you look into see your soul.

More beautifully then can be put into words.

Deep unconditional love.

You feel more beautiful with them then without.

You feel more whole embraced by their presence.

It’s as if their arms reach out from their heart and wrap you in a warm blanket.

All of a sudden it feels as if you have come home.

You tried so hard on your own

But somehow their soul brought you closer to your own heart.

Love is the way we walk.

The way we talk.

The way we choose to live, breathe, and laugh.

Love is a commitment to our future.

Love is our commitment to our happiness.

To the beauty that breaths in our dreams and our souls.

Alone

The emptiness fills me like a drug.

It's worse than I could have ever imagined.

It swallows me whole.

No loving words comfort it.

It is as if death has also grabbed hold of my heart.

It tugs and pulls reminding me.

Everyday that he is gone.

And where do I go?

What do I do?

How do I live with death?

It is as if a veil has been pulled from my eyes.

And all I see is the void.

The deep void that is left behind.

When YOU are left behind.

And for the first time there is nothing to be said.

There is no way to comforted.

Too young to fully comprehend the world.

And I stand staring at the emptiness as if I could fill it.

If only I had the right words.

I could heal the world.

I could heal my own heart.

I could unwrap death's hands.

But there are no words for this loneliness.