Giving In

I begin to wonder at what point does the void and emptiness fade. At what point does my sense of self return. At what point does life feel a sense for normality. Or is this out of scope of normal. Is the idea of normal an illusion to the human mind? All I can do is sit and wonder. My heart filled with so much pain and anguish that it's difficult to do anything. I'm beginning to wonder if truly my avoidance in calling people is not because I need space but more because I don't know what to say. If I talk nothing makes sense and my confusion persists. It's easier to stay quiet and pretend that life is okay in my silence. It's not okay. I cry out for my father's voice, and I can hear it faintly. But all in all the emptiness of my heart is overwhelming. I sit wondering how people cope. How you ever learn to have fun again. It makes me feel so weak that I cannot seem to move in, that it take so much for me to cry. I am so angry but it will not leave. I tried hitting a punching bag, then the thought of explaining how I broke my hand caused me to stop. Life has become dismal and I wish I knew a way to cheer myself on. It's not as if I'm giving up merely giving over to the attempt to become unstuck. Giving over to the very fact that I am not the same as I once was. I am a fatherless daughter. And that statement alone provokes emotion so deep. I wonder how it is I will even maintain relationships, speak truth, when it seems I'm barely scraping by. Then I sit and wonder if perhaps this all just a game. I am strong, brave, and courageous I do not let people walk over me. Will I really give up, no not in a million years. I may however be falling for a little while. And all that seems possible is breathing, crying, screaming, and recognizing the intensity of this experience. Knowing that no one in my life truly understands my experience, no one truly can see how complex it is, though I desperately wish someone could recognize how hard this is. Remind me how well I'm doing, how much I'm doing, and that's it's a fucking miracle. Instead I'm left to tell myself at the end of the day, good job you made it through. Let's keep going, what needs to be done now. There is a deep desire, wish, that perhaps maybe somehow I could find a way to really laugh, to have fun, it feels so far away from my finger tips right now.

Wonder

Some days I wonder how it is I make it through. How is it that learn? I feel lost in every aspect of the word. My stomach turns unable to really digest my food, and wonder how long will this last. How long will I need basic self care? I want to run, I really do want to be happy again but it feels so nearly impossible. Even talking seems like a difficult task. I'd rather walk alone right now. Day in and Day out, it's not helpful to tell me to change my perspective or thought process. Call it what you will. I call it grief, I call out it burn out, I call it my path. Perhaps you call it control or resistance. By labeling it that I then feel a sense of doing this all WRONG. I want to do right by my father. I want to heal and yet it feels as though I'm scrapping my nails down the chalk board. I sit with the world spinning around me in every color imaginable, it's overwhelming, I do not have the energy to fight the stimulus. All I can do is hope that I don't drown. It's a feeble existence I just do not know how to cope with your death, Dad. It's overwhelming and I've lost track of my heart. My mind sends me through crazy trip after crazy trip. My body is screaming for relief. And all I can do is drop to my knees and pray I'll make it without something breaking before I cross the finish line. I believe and I do not believe. I want to be understood without a word uttered from my mouth, I want to be left alone. All and all I don't understand shit. Yep that's the bottom line of my fatigue. The unknown is so scary and all I want is a chance to say goodbye to you. Sometimes when I listen to the radio I resonate with these loves songs not because there was something romantic but rather because I cared for you that much. I miss you that much. However, weird that may sound. There is something soothing about listen to a song about heartbreak. Because I'm devasted, heart broken, and dying on the inside. With no other options than to pick up my foot and take a step. I was taught never to give up, yet it amazes me how much I'm hurting. One day I will let the world know, I'll stop hiding it on the inside. Because I deserve to live in reality and to stop pretending I am okay. One day I will be however it probably won't be today.

When I think of you dad, you are the glisten of the sun on the flowers. You are the love that grows my garden, you are what keeps me going knowing that I must share what it means to be loved with those around me. Thank you for teaching and helping me grow even beyond death itself.

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

29 years ago you held me in your arms with a twinkle in your eye so I am told. I miss you terribly. I cannot believe that today is the first birthday without you. It hurts to know that you will not call, that when I see mom it will not be the same. There won't be a weird joint birthday song on my voicemail. We won't have one our beloved tasks all of it is gone. Gandoff says to Frodo "do not pity the dead, pity the living". It's so true, I'm so sure you're at peace. You've told me. And I cannot imagine another way and yet I sit here wondering how to keep living without you. It's seem so ridiculous but I loved you so dad. I looked up to you in so many ways. And without you today it just creates a stronger reality. All I can do is miss my father. But I will always be your little girl. I feel so blessed to have a dad who loved as much you did. In a way that cannot be written or expressed in words. It's a special feeling when a father loves a daughter in this way. I sit wondering in what ways life will change over the next year. I wonder how my relationships with mom and kyle will change. How much stronger I will become. Today in honor of you I want you to know how much I love you. That I'm so blessed that you and mom created me. I feel blessed with life however much adversity I've had to face. I smile at the way you've defended me over the years. The patience you constantly showed to me and my sensitivities. I could ALWAYS count on you to listen, though at times absent and judgmental. I'm deeply honored you changed. I wish today of all days I could tell you all this and yet all I can do put it out there and maybe you'll hear it. Perhaps heaven has internet now. :) Have you seen what I've accomplished? I got invited to join the Golden Key Honor Society, held a 3.7 even after your death, I went back to school despite everything, I held the family together best that I could. And I'm still going though it's frighteningly hard I am doing it. I think of you often. I think often that a lot of what I do is for you. I beginning to find my way back to doing this for me and at times just in honor of your life. It's just so hard to imagine celebrating today without. How can I not also celebrate your life as you did give me life? I must. I must for me, for you, for our family. Maybe it sounds crooked and odd. Well we all know I'm a little off. Dad thank you for helping give me life. For teaching as much as you could before you had to leave. Thank you for being an amazing dad in the end. I love you so much.

Missing you.
Your little dee dee girl.