Our Mad World

I wonder what mad world we live in. What provokes each of us to believe what we believe? How long will we defend our position without listening to any other perspective? Some of us will defend it until our death beds. As I look carefully through the layers that exploded out of the ground this holiday. I wonder if some of us are too stuck in our ways to even merely communicate. I wonder if some of us are too different to hear one another. But as human beings we love naturally we crave connection. However, it's messy. So so messy. At times I'm unsure of what to think. Am I just behind the curve because it certainly feels as though you are trying to explain that world to me. That is not what I would like. But there is no way to express this without upset, without you feeling like you cannot be yourself. So to keep some peace I shut down and by default I no longer can be myself. Where is the middle ground? Where is the love? When you lose someone so suddenly it feels as though a hole has been ripped through the fabric of your life. There is no real way to mend it. All the old wounds that stood beneath the covers prior to your death are now devastatingly clear. It hurts knowing that being with family is the hardest task of all now. Not because we don't love each other but because we all hurt and have a difficult time communicating without you lighting the way. It's like trying to untangle a Giant's knot. There is just no simple answer. When I look into the mirror everything feels too big, too much. And wonder how will I make it through the forest unscathed. My answer is that I won't. But I will survive I haven't yet figured out how you survive this. But if I know anything about myself it is that I'm a survivor. I will find a way. In this moment the way is of confusion, mess, and delusion. I feel as if looking into the mirror only provides absolute confusion and illusion. Nothing feels quite like a breakthrough because I feel as though my strength and fire have plummeted into the earth. I'm looking in unexpected places to find them again. My calm resolve has dissolved. And I'm left with an aching pain in my heart wishing beyond hope that my father will give me a sign. Knowing if I could just drop back into who I am I'd feel him standing right next me. But even on the ski slope I found my attention elsewhere. Until my attention because centered around him, which really means around who I am without my father I will not feel his presence. It's a sad state that I find myself in. However, for those reading this wondering how grief works. Well I don't think anyone will ever know. It's unique. Some people can reach beyond themselves others stuff there emotions and explode/implode. I sit wondering how the universe will guide me to victory.