It was the night before Christmas and all in the house was quiet not even a mouse... But some could not sleep. Last night I imagined all the ways that things could be better. All the ways we used to celebrate this holiday and how nothing seems the same without my father. Sleep evades me currently and I am miss him. I miss the laughter he brought to the experience, I don't remember the presents I remember his santa hat, his laughter, the food, the games. The walks, the talks, the soup he made after xmas. And we are all left with an emptiness inside us without him. How do you celebrate a holiday that is centered around presents and connection? When you are the grieving family? There is a missing part. I feel it, I didn't think it would be this hard. I didn't think coming here would be so difficult, in some regards it's peaceful. Its nice to be around family and yet have brought enough things to entertain myself so that I don't become frustrated. I feel different and I am connecting differently. I am different.
I can feel it in the way I am needing for myself to set stronger boundaries. To let people go that don't serve me. To exercise, enjoy the outdoors, to jump for joy, to experience love, to transform myself into a new wave of being. And though I am sad to loose a very long time friendship. I know it's for the best, I know that I need to step away. Its the same with my family I know I need to engage in relationship in a specific way. If I try to dive deep I experience shame and I don't need to. I feel like for the first time life is going in the right direction. A good combination of the intellectual and the artist. I drew my angel on the plane. I can feel the shifts. that for this first time in my life all I need is me. All I need is a little love and I am okay.
Though deeply authentically I miss my father more deeply now. But I am grateful to be with my family. I am grateful to have my family.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Transformation
It's days like today where I wonder when the pain will end. I wonder when I will stop desiring to tell EVERYONE my father is dead. This is his anniversary, I'm falling apart, hold me. Hold me up, that's what I want to scream. But the truth is even more shattering. No one can do that for me. I don't have people in my life that can reach out a hand to hold me up. Perhaps no one has those people. Or those that do are not in healthy relationships. Its been difficult for me. I've seem myself transferring my dependence onto my Reverend and the truth that hits me is I have to stand on my own. I have to transformation to live the life I want. Perhaps I have to learn to love. I chose to pick my angel card tonight ahead of everyone so I could pick on my father's anniversary. There is a part of me that felt as though I asked too much, I'm make my grief too big, I'm being a burdened, a needy wounded child. That is my judgement. I picked TRANSFORMATION. One of the biggest words in the deck in my opinion.
But I sit here tonight wondering what would it be like not tell everyone how sad I am. How much I miss my father even if it's true? I just have such a hard time being superficial. I want to share my heart and my heart opened tonight. After visiting the Crone I had to take a walk to let the grief flow or it would be stuffed to the bottom once again. And I am learning that I must let go of expectations of people. There is a small part of me that so desperately wants to be coddled. To be told it will be okay. I want to find freedom. I want to find surrender and peace. I want to find love for myself. But I see all the ways I regret.
I regret that I hadn't called my father in the days preceding his death. I regret the anger and numbness that followed. How I shoved everyone out of my life. Because the truth comes down anger. I am angry my father left me. I am angry at my mother for not being able to see my brilliance and my pain. I am angry for having another adversity. And instead of rebounding I feel into a deep dark whole. And every solstice I have been reminded of this. But tonight, tonight was different. I was different. I still needed to share about his anniversary, it was important to me to pick the angel card. But I didn't share with everyone. I went outside and I cried. And I cried. And I grieved. I miss my father, there is no denying. There is no denying how deeply my life has been affected since his passing.
But tonight I began to ask myself if he were still here would I be stepping into these new adventures. These things that are truly an embodiment of myself. Would I be choosing to stand on my own. Would I be choosing to step into my role as priestess for the great divine. Would I be believing in the Great Mother. Would I be pursuing Naturopathic School? Would I be saying YES so loud and so much as I am now. I wonder. Tonight is indeed the darkest night of the year both literally and personally. And yet I feel for the first time I am not alone. I am standing stronger and taller. I am choosing myself in a very real way. In a different way.
And I can feel myself exploding not just from the grief, which is ripping at my heart. But the joy is there again too. I felt it in the circle tonight. I could feel my heart expanding accepting all the beautiful people as my brothers and sisters. I felt like I do indeed belong. All I have to do is find a way to volunteer my time. But for now I feel the tears have ended for the dark night of the soul, the darkest night of the year. I've spoken my truth to the crone and more. And I believe for the first time things are going to change, they will indeed TRANSFORM over the next year.
But I sit here tonight wondering what would it be like not tell everyone how sad I am. How much I miss my father even if it's true? I just have such a hard time being superficial. I want to share my heart and my heart opened tonight. After visiting the Crone I had to take a walk to let the grief flow or it would be stuffed to the bottom once again. And I am learning that I must let go of expectations of people. There is a small part of me that so desperately wants to be coddled. To be told it will be okay. I want to find freedom. I want to find surrender and peace. I want to find love for myself. But I see all the ways I regret.
I regret that I hadn't called my father in the days preceding his death. I regret the anger and numbness that followed. How I shoved everyone out of my life. Because the truth comes down anger. I am angry my father left me. I am angry at my mother for not being able to see my brilliance and my pain. I am angry for having another adversity. And instead of rebounding I feel into a deep dark whole. And every solstice I have been reminded of this. But tonight, tonight was different. I was different. I still needed to share about his anniversary, it was important to me to pick the angel card. But I didn't share with everyone. I went outside and I cried. And I cried. And I grieved. I miss my father, there is no denying. There is no denying how deeply my life has been affected since his passing.
But tonight I began to ask myself if he were still here would I be stepping into these new adventures. These things that are truly an embodiment of myself. Would I be choosing to stand on my own. Would I be choosing to step into my role as priestess for the great divine. Would I be believing in the Great Mother. Would I be pursuing Naturopathic School? Would I be saying YES so loud and so much as I am now. I wonder. Tonight is indeed the darkest night of the year both literally and personally. And yet I feel for the first time I am not alone. I am standing stronger and taller. I am choosing myself in a very real way. In a different way.
And I can feel myself exploding not just from the grief, which is ripping at my heart. But the joy is there again too. I felt it in the circle tonight. I could feel my heart expanding accepting all the beautiful people as my brothers and sisters. I felt like I do indeed belong. All I have to do is find a way to volunteer my time. But for now I feel the tears have ended for the dark night of the soul, the darkest night of the year. I've spoken my truth to the crone and more. And I believe for the first time things are going to change, they will indeed TRANSFORM over the next year.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Loss
I sit deeply in this moment of the feeling of loss. The loss of my father's presence in my life. The loss of the community I thought I had. The loss of needing other people. The loss of my identity. It's a mix of grief and strength moving forward. Reading through Teresa's email I realized how much I no longer identify with Shakti. Though I respect all those that still want to be involved. I have seen my truth within this community and it is not how others may perceive it. I walked away because it was a safety codependent net that had to be severed. I had out grew what Shakti was to me, and I could no longer pretend that I belong. I am moving on and yes I will do great things. But depending on any one person, organization, or thing to change you is a grave mistake. That is what Shakti had allowed me to become. Placing ideas of sisterhood in my head, in just wasn't true. I've learned for the first time to step away from this need for people to be there, for people to listen, for people to be my dependency. I have found nature again. I have found myself again. When we lean to heavily on others even in community it can be as if they bound you with ropes. There is no way out but to sever them and move on. Learn how to make decisions on you're own, to engage in life in a true adult way, to accept things as they are. To decide yes I want to spend Christmas with my family. It's been a big process for me to step into my own. To decide that yes I will live MY life and stop trying to live everyone else's. It's a tough road to break that pattern. But I feel at this cross roads where indeed I have. I feel myself. I feel okay in the aloneness, I feel okay. I in fact excited for what life has to offer me.
In all the great changes, there is a deep sadness. As I realize tomorrow is the day I lost my father 3 years ago. It's a combination of numbness, unreality, and deep authentic sadness. But I still ask "Dad where are you?" "Are you happy?" Do you know how sad your family is? Do you know how much your wife has been through in the last year? Do you know how scared I get? Do you know how much I have changed? My entire life feels on a pedestal of change. I am a priestess. I am a Goddess. I am change. I am I am all of these things. And I want to claim it. But dad I am scared. Without your hand at my back, my knees become weak. Without you at my back, my stomach becomes queezy and I wonder where I am. I wonder where do we go now? And how do you really move on? How do I celebrate the return of the light on the darkest night of the year. Your death... the darkest night of the year is your death. It was too soon, and I want to scream. And yet I also have accepted the truth at this point. I have accepted the loss in some regards. But how to live with it. I do now that this year... I have changed. I have turned a corner. I am working towards saying yes to life in every way.
I feel like climbing a mountain top and screaming at the top of my lungs. Would you hear my cry of excitement? I can't help but wonder whether my papa is watching. But it's time to embrace what is. And I am here, there is so much joy mixed with the sorrow. I hope my new community will indeed support me on the darkest day of the year.
In all the great changes, there is a deep sadness. As I realize tomorrow is the day I lost my father 3 years ago. It's a combination of numbness, unreality, and deep authentic sadness. But I still ask "Dad where are you?" "Are you happy?" Do you know how sad your family is? Do you know how much your wife has been through in the last year? Do you know how scared I get? Do you know how much I have changed? My entire life feels on a pedestal of change. I am a priestess. I am a Goddess. I am change. I am I am all of these things. And I want to claim it. But dad I am scared. Without your hand at my back, my knees become weak. Without you at my back, my stomach becomes queezy and I wonder where I am. I wonder where do we go now? And how do you really move on? How do I celebrate the return of the light on the darkest night of the year. Your death... the darkest night of the year is your death. It was too soon, and I want to scream. And yet I also have accepted the truth at this point. I have accepted the loss in some regards. But how to live with it. I do now that this year... I have changed. I have turned a corner. I am working towards saying yes to life in every way.
I feel like climbing a mountain top and screaming at the top of my lungs. Would you hear my cry of excitement? I can't help but wonder whether my papa is watching. But it's time to embrace what is. And I am here, there is so much joy mixed with the sorrow. I hope my new community will indeed support me on the darkest day of the year.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
The Anxiety
Sometimes my heart begins to race and my mind begins to spin. And I wonder why, what am I feeling that is throwing me off center? And it comes down this week to some rather large things. My father's anniversary is Saturday. And when I shared this with my mentor at Church I got the "Well you should bring him". My response "Well I could bring his spirit". He's dead. And the anxiety rips through me like a title wave I want to scream the words "Don't you know I'm wounded I lost my father tragically and this is the first time I'm doing something for myself on his anniversary". Don't you see? And the approval cycle explodes. One day I won't care what anyone else thinks. One day I will stand on my own so tall and so strong that I will not shake. Well let's be realistic I will always shake, shaking is what makes us human. Without our fear, insecurities we continue to be imperfect, it's what makes us lovable. It's what makes us unique. But there is a level I'd like to let go. I experienced today in that moment where I tried to open and it was not received and I was met with my shame. I wanted to share my joys and sorrows. And yet does the whole world need to know how hurt I feel on the inside or how joyful I feel on the inside? Where is the line between connection, friendship, and oversharing? I experience myself as an oversharer. A person who needs validation and approval in order to walk, breath, and live. But no more I will make my own decisions. I am going to do this priestess training. I have filled out the application and just need to send in the deposit. I want to be a priestess. I want to be wise. I want to change the world. I have unique gifts that want to come out and play. I am tired of living in a box, the box I created to protect myself from life's ills. It's what will allow me to be an empathic, spiritual practitioner. I want to live breathe in the beauty that surrounds us. I want to believe that I can leave the drama and enter into my own sacred temple and experience the joy, sorrow, and see the deepness that life has to offer. To accept and love people for who they are. I know everything is a work in progress but I truly seek a bigger and larger life. I seek people like me, on my plane, my peers, my sisters, people that truly want depth and understand that I need action. That I don't necessarily want to be the person all the time that reaches out. What if you reached out what would that feel like for you? Would you notice like I notice that you were making an effort in a different way? I am loyal and I see how difficult connection is in our society. I see how badly I want it. It's not easy it takes work and sometimes it seems walking away is the best option. That indeed the best option is let go of the person who cannot hold what you need held. In moments away from my anger and grief of losing these people I can see how we are different. That though in a lot ways I still need to grow into myself. I have grown in such deep and profound ways it has unfortunately separated myself. But I have also done the separating. Ever notice how your anger, hatred, hurt separates and blinds you from seeing what is. From seeing what is the true truth. If I want people to show up I have to let go. I have wear fabric bright as pink, and dark as black. To truly embrace all of who I am I have to dance, and laugh and cry. There is no have to or force to and must be done organically. It must be embraced within the construct of life. And I must let go of the t-shirts, sweatshirts and play with fabric. Play with the idea that my body is beautiful that indeed I am a Goddess.
In the application we were asked if we could pick a Goddess name what would it be. I looked up a few. Juno, Maat or Maya, Minerva. Maybe even Kersair- Goddess of the Celtics who is daughter of the cosmos and connected to the sea and the great flood.I feel connected to the Truth, wisdom, medicine, and healing. I am excited by the idea of learning more about myself. Learning how to partner.
But I am realizing that it time to let go of my grief, it is time to live for myself and no one else. To love life, to give myself, to allow myself to be involved and connected. To stretch and expand to see where the sea will take me.
In the application we were asked if we could pick a Goddess name what would it be. I looked up a few. Juno, Maat or Maya, Minerva. Maybe even Kersair- Goddess of the Celtics who is daughter of the cosmos and connected to the sea and the great flood.I feel connected to the Truth, wisdom, medicine, and healing. I am excited by the idea of learning more about myself. Learning how to partner.
But I am realizing that it time to let go of my grief, it is time to live for myself and no one else. To love life, to give myself, to allow myself to be involved and connected. To stretch and expand to see where the sea will take me.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Freedom
It continues to amaze but sadden me how deeply my worth is embedded in other people's approval. I can feel it every time my mother disapproves or has a certain perspective about my life. It is my life I'm allowing other people define how I live it. I've been working so hard to get back to what I would call stable ground. Working so hard to live my life's work, but this is part of it. Learning to be truly independent. It wouldn't be our life's work if it were easy now would it? No. She won't be the last to question my choices. I have thought this through and perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps I will change my mind before incurring debt, perhaps after. Either way I do trust in the universe. In the divine ancient wisdom. I want to share this with the world. A part of this journey is being able to stand strong in my own sense of self, strong enough not to be swayed. But the key to all of this to also be able to listen and hear other people.
I am a dissector of life, I pick it all a part in detail, maybe you don't see it. And inside of all this worth, I can feel the anger and angst that comes with places my worth and power in someone else's hands. How do I get it back? How do I stand on my own and scream at the top of my lungs that I know this to be true... I do not know yet. I can feel the path opening up before my feet. It's no longer about traditional views that in fact if I truly open my heart from the inside out, and leave nothing behind. I will in fact carve a path to be proud of. My legacy will be choosing to heal my wounds. To chose to live in a world where I am honored no revered for my work. Deeply respected not because I helped you but because you are deeply loved. To find that priestess place inside myself and allow it be seen, heard, allow it to scream, and shatter all preconceived notions. I want the support. I feel the craving, I feel the emptiness I want her to fill. I feel it all. And anger fills the space. How dare you call it rushing into it, not thinking it through... do you know me? All I do is play it safe. I play it safe ALL the time. I'm tired of safe, I'm tired of okay, I'm tired of content. I'm tired of the middle road. I'm tired of selling myself short because some belief, or person, or thing tells me I can't. I was born a beautiful woman and I will be damned if that escapes me. My determination at times feels unparallelled. And I know there is hope for our lives yet. My life is changing. I am changing in ways I never even thought possible. Which makes me believe. Which reminds that there is HOPE. That hope is in my heart that I can indeed make this happen. Will it be easy? No. Nothing in my life has come easy. But does that mean I should walk away because of money, because of anything for that matter. I don't believe so. I believe that if I really am meant to do this, if I am really meant to help people in this way. There will be support, somehow somewhere along the way I will find the path that leads me to emotional, spiritual, financial, and mental freedom. And the path to get there is true internal and external independence.
I am a dissector of life, I pick it all a part in detail, maybe you don't see it. And inside of all this worth, I can feel the anger and angst that comes with places my worth and power in someone else's hands. How do I get it back? How do I stand on my own and scream at the top of my lungs that I know this to be true... I do not know yet. I can feel the path opening up before my feet. It's no longer about traditional views that in fact if I truly open my heart from the inside out, and leave nothing behind. I will in fact carve a path to be proud of. My legacy will be choosing to heal my wounds. To chose to live in a world where I am honored no revered for my work. Deeply respected not because I helped you but because you are deeply loved. To find that priestess place inside myself and allow it be seen, heard, allow it to scream, and shatter all preconceived notions. I want the support. I feel the craving, I feel the emptiness I want her to fill. I feel it all. And anger fills the space. How dare you call it rushing into it, not thinking it through... do you know me? All I do is play it safe. I play it safe ALL the time. I'm tired of safe, I'm tired of okay, I'm tired of content. I'm tired of the middle road. I'm tired of selling myself short because some belief, or person, or thing tells me I can't. I was born a beautiful woman and I will be damned if that escapes me. My determination at times feels unparallelled. And I know there is hope for our lives yet. My life is changing. I am changing in ways I never even thought possible. Which makes me believe. Which reminds that there is HOPE. That hope is in my heart that I can indeed make this happen. Will it be easy? No. Nothing in my life has come easy. But does that mean I should walk away because of money, because of anything for that matter. I don't believe so. I believe that if I really am meant to do this, if I am really meant to help people in this way. There will be support, somehow somewhere along the way I will find the path that leads me to emotional, spiritual, financial, and mental freedom. And the path to get there is true internal and external independence.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Relationships
I have been sitting with this question of how to be, how do we engage in our relationships? How do we find meaning, love, and support without feeling disappointment, resentment, anger?
I ask because this is my experience. A feeling of severe angst inside when I read others posts about feeling as though they belong to this wonderful community, or they were so deeply supported. And I sit wondering in jealousy and anger why don't I have this in my life? Why is it so hard for me to develop that kind of closeness? Part of it is with some people there is an experience of fakeness, a feeling that someone doesn't really care. If they cared wouldn't they make some kind of effort to be a part of my life. Anything really just some small token that you care and you want me to include me in your adventures. And I'm left feeling lonely, jealous, angry, hurt, needy, and alone. And my retort to all these feelings is well if you can't make the effort I'm leaving. Maybe it works for other people to have acceptance for people escaping into their own lives, but for some reason this doesn't work for me. Maybe because I've known this feeling for years. I've had the experience with my mother of deeply wishing for her to see me, to know me, and yet it's always been about her and her needs. And that is my experience in relationship with others, not across the board. What is community if it is not about keeping your word? What is community if you do not include and reach out? Why do I always have to reach in? In truth I've taken the sword and severed the connection. Because I can't, this is not what I want.
I want people in my life to grow with in life and adventure. I want people to learn who I am, experience me from the inside out. Not for my issues, my wounds, but for my brilliance. And when you build a community around transformational healing it becomes about the wounds and not so much the wonders. And I can here the echoing of people challenging me. But what they see as true I do not experience. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there is some forgiveness that needs to occur both for myself and for the women in community. There must be another way to live. I'm convinced that truly there is an experience to letting go. When you grew up in such a codependent environment, I just want to stand on my own two feet. I just want to experience the world as whole, as one, as beauty. And I know it was time to step away. And the anger and the hurt is related to my grief. That in the end Shakti was not what I thought it was, in the end I needed to walk away in order to find myself. I feel the grief. And angst of disappointment and aloneness.
And I'm still finding myself. I'm still searching for who it is I want to be. Who I am becoming. Can you grow with me? Can you see deeper than my words and actions? For I am hurting inside. I've been hurting all my life. And I have begun to see the connections however small. There is a glimmer of hope that maybe one day I will be able to build the kind of relationships I crave.
I ask because this is my experience. A feeling of severe angst inside when I read others posts about feeling as though they belong to this wonderful community, or they were so deeply supported. And I sit wondering in jealousy and anger why don't I have this in my life? Why is it so hard for me to develop that kind of closeness? Part of it is with some people there is an experience of fakeness, a feeling that someone doesn't really care. If they cared wouldn't they make some kind of effort to be a part of my life. Anything really just some small token that you care and you want me to include me in your adventures. And I'm left feeling lonely, jealous, angry, hurt, needy, and alone. And my retort to all these feelings is well if you can't make the effort I'm leaving. Maybe it works for other people to have acceptance for people escaping into their own lives, but for some reason this doesn't work for me. Maybe because I've known this feeling for years. I've had the experience with my mother of deeply wishing for her to see me, to know me, and yet it's always been about her and her needs. And that is my experience in relationship with others, not across the board. What is community if it is not about keeping your word? What is community if you do not include and reach out? Why do I always have to reach in? In truth I've taken the sword and severed the connection. Because I can't, this is not what I want.
I want people in my life to grow with in life and adventure. I want people to learn who I am, experience me from the inside out. Not for my issues, my wounds, but for my brilliance. And when you build a community around transformational healing it becomes about the wounds and not so much the wonders. And I can here the echoing of people challenging me. But what they see as true I do not experience. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there is some forgiveness that needs to occur both for myself and for the women in community. There must be another way to live. I'm convinced that truly there is an experience to letting go. When you grew up in such a codependent environment, I just want to stand on my own two feet. I just want to experience the world as whole, as one, as beauty. And I know it was time to step away. And the anger and the hurt is related to my grief. That in the end Shakti was not what I thought it was, in the end I needed to walk away in order to find myself. I feel the grief. And angst of disappointment and aloneness.
And I'm still finding myself. I'm still searching for who it is I want to be. Who I am becoming. Can you grow with me? Can you see deeper than my words and actions? For I am hurting inside. I've been hurting all my life. And I have begun to see the connections however small. There is a glimmer of hope that maybe one day I will be able to build the kind of relationships I crave.
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