Admission

I write this for me. I am depressed, I know it, and yet I can't quite extract myself. Today was a day of exhaustion and rest. And knowingly I am eating emotionally I can feel it. I bought pasta and chocolate. I know my hormones are off. I am moody. There is so much rage inside me it's hard to describe. But I'm owning that I am engaging in escape tonight good pasta with a movie. Maybe in writing my psyche will hear the call to step up into a more empowered place, a place where I don't need a movie and pasta to feel better. That I can feasibly shift my energy. But I'm lonely. I feel as though I can count on no one. It's hard to explain. But I have those I call sisters but I don't feel a mutual connection anymore. It feels as though it's fading into a new realm. A realm I don't understand. So I react in fear and I shut down. I shut the door, my container weeps. And sit wondering why I cannot find people that truly want and desire to connect with me. Not just saying hi on the phone but following through with hanging out with me. I deeply desire it and yet I can feel how far from the truth it is. And the truth is I am still locked inside a box I can't quite step out of. I need to have fun, and let go of what controls my actions. And it's time to let go of the anger, and resentment towards the people that don't have the capacity to show up in the way I wish. And I just wish so badly to be loved in a deep intimate way. But I'm beginning to realize that in order to really receive that love I need to embrace loving myself. And this is why I eat. I hate and loath myself in so many ways. I am scared to change to truly do the work that involves changing my core beliefs. But I must if I truly want the life of my dreams I must step away from the self loathing, the illusions, and embrace all that I can change. It is time to step into my life, to step into finding friendships that feed my soul, and to allow myself to be seen not necessarily by others but most importantly by myself. If I can see myself for the truth and rawness inside of me I know I can heal. I know I can find my way through the forest. And the message over and over again is that this is the soul's journey and I must embark on it alone. And  yet as I hear those words I also know that there is a piece of human connection that must be met in order to step out of this escape of food and electronics. This need is something that must be met. It's time to make some friends.

Mystery of Life

Sometimes I wonder how we all deal with Life. I sit with so many questions. Why can’t I sit with myself and still feel joy? Why do I need people so badly in my life? Why do I attract drama I have no control over into my family life? Why do I constantly feel unseen or unheard? The questions go on. They create this feeling of aloneness, of fear, of anger… I loose focus on my goals, I loose focus on my Life. It’s as if the whole world becomes a narrow pin prick. I am alone and there is not a soul that could understand my particular angst. And yet WHY am I so angry, why am I so restless? I desperately want answers to these questions. I want to be happy. But the message from today’s sermon is very clear. I must live the questions and stop trying to find the answers. Because I am not ready to live the answers so I must live the questions. But what does this really mean asks my mind?? And all I can answer in response is that sometimes there are no answers. I think to what is causing my heart pain and it is the reality of what I spoke in Church this morning. The realization on one level I am alone and on another that if I take a risk the load becomes lighter. It only takes a moment to reach out a caring touch, a caring thought, a caring hug. That is all I really need. I don’t need to share with you the details of my struggles. That has been my mistake in the past. My addiction to drama creates such a turbulent experience when I do. I share the details and I become less and less present to the NOW. To the experience in this moment. So my mother almost died does everyone need to know my desperation about that fact. No. But here I tell you I’m dying inside at this fact and I don’t know how to move beyond it. I don’t know how to live with this fact. It seems so silly to me. But I am scared and that is why I’m struggling moving on. I am scared I am going to experience MORE loss. And all I can think about is how much bad has entered my life instead of how much good has entered it. I remember the words I uttered in Church this am “I am so grateful that I have more time with my mother.” And I am. I am so fucking grateful that I get to have more time with my mother. That I get to enjoy her presence in a way I did not get to experience with my father. And I can feel all the vulnerability inside this. I left church with a deep opening in my heart, a deep sense that there is something, a gift inside this community that I have yet to receive. And more than anything that’s what I want. That’s what we all need a reminder of love. A reminder that we are not alone. Because when you’re world feels blown apart and you have told everyone a million times over and over again. It’s old, you know my father died, I know my father is dead. And yet I’m hung on it. But the one reach out of the hand today reminded me I am not alone. And yet I can sense the way to empowerment is learning how to engage in life in other ways beyond my sorrow. To engage from my joys, my love, and my ability to listen to myself. That is what I am hear to learn. Teach me to listen, to be listened to, to hear the deepest whispering from the inner stirrings of this universe. Let me be held. Let me see all the beauty in the whole world. For I understand that life is a mystery and I am learning how to accept what is but it isn’t easy. Everyday I struggle with myself to let spirit in, everyday I wonder what my father is doing, everyday I send my mother prayers, everyday I miss the certainity of a life that is no longer mine, everyday I am reminded of the mystery of life. And I am learning to live with the questions, to breathe through the questions, and have respect for the questions that have no answers.

Why did you take my father away from me? Why did I get sick? Why was I abused? Why is my mother sick? None of these have answers. They will never have answers. I sit wondering how we sit with the questions, which in essence means sitting with myself, learning to feel the inner layers of my heart. To begin to tease out the sticky anger layers that bind me to my fear. In relationship to others I have let go in great amounts. But I still greatly crave for people to WANT to be with me. And I don’t feel that way, I am learning how to step out of the small child that wants attention to the adult that can create her own way. It’s time, it’s time to let go of approval, of validation and step into being my own salvation. Kiya Heartwood, a beautiful song writer, sings “I will be my own salvation, I will be my only priest.” I leave you with this. How can you be your own priest? How can you step so fully into your own heart that you do not need other people’s approval? It does not mean you do not need people, for we all do, but it translates to a health need. A healthy and empowered way of being.