The spiral of grief hits you like a eighteen wheeler truck. There is no way to avoid it. You can pretend it's not there. You can pretend that your birthday does not exist that indeed your loss itself does not exist. But it will not leave. It is permanently a part of just as your genes are. It feels almost as if we should give up, we should through up our hands in the eyes of grief and claim our defeat. Claim our aching hearts, I desperate need for that one phone call. I turn 30 tomorrow only about 7 hours until the hour I was born 30 years ago. Only 7 hours until the moment in time 30 years ago when my father held me for the first time. The first human contact outside of a doctors. How can I not be sad? How can it not rip my heart to pieces all over again? How Am I suppose to find joy in a day that represents his sudden immediate departure from my life?
Dad, pops what would you say to me tomorrow? I'm your baby girl and yet I'm at the age 30. Almost have my bachelors degree. I have struggled and fought my way through life only to lose you in the end. My cheer coach. You always knew what to say, even though it probably annoyed you that I was so sensitive and emotional. But it didn't matter you loved me fully and completely. What is the use? I feel like throwing my hands up. The spiral of losing you takes me down. Nothing else matters but the pain inside my heart. The pain that causes me to feel utterly alone with no one to turn to. Who could understand at my age what it means to lose a parent? And would you want me to be happy in this moment or would you want to feel? All i can hear is "if you can't do anything about it, don't worry" I'm not worrying pops I'm grieving the loss of you.
I googled birthdays and loss of father. What did it tell me? No miracle cure that's for sure. But that it renews our loss. I think there is a specific connection, a much stronger to my birthday than yours dad, because it is the day of my birth. It is the day that your genes and mom's genes came to full fruition. I was born, I was given life, I was given hope, and I was taught to live by two wonderful people. And now we are not together in the physical sense. Tomorrow I will look for you in the wind, I listen carefully for your laugh, I will see you in the butterflies, in the clouds, the trees, and all that mother earth has to offer. I know you will visit and you will whisper something like "now who's old" or some bad joke about me being over the hill, even though I'm not. Only to you I would be. You would laugh, try in your out tune voice to sing happy birthday, maybe you and mom would do it together, and I would listen to it later and laugh. It is killing that this will not happen. Perhaps one day we'll travel back to a middle world like in Harry Potter. Maybe I'll have my wish granted. Just one more conversation. It is so hard to know how final life is. Hold me tomorrow Dad. Find someway to send a birthday blessing. I miss you more than anything right now.
