Deathly Anger

It strikes me as a such a predicament I am in. We are human and therefore have relationships. What I want seems so far out of my reach and yet it sits right in my palm. I have the power of choice. I have the power of perspective. It's nights like these where I wonder where my hope lies. The anger overwhelms every pore of my body. I scream, I kick, I cry because the world no longer makes sense. Without my father it seems cruel and unusual. It seems foreign. My compassion for others is lessened and my anger is exploding from the inside out. Doing this on my own seems nearly impossible. I wish I could sit across from my dearest friends and tell them. Share with them my heart, but I fear I do not even understand what it is telling me. I feel closed off from myself. I feel closed to the world. The world took my father away without a minute to say goodbye. Why should I bend? Why should I let go of my anger? Because I want to be whole. I want to learn how to give what I desire from others to myself. But this with the depth of my pain feels nearly impossible. I see my need to tell someone I'm exploding, imploding. It relieves some pressure. A response is not necessary. Just listen, Just see me for all that I am.

Without you Dad. I feel as though I've lost everything. I've lost mom, I've lost my sense of self, I've lost my heart, I've lost my ability to have loving confrontations, I've lost all that I thought I had found. It is the most rewarding and painful journey I have ever embarked upon. I desperately grabbing at straws. Because Dad I miss you. You were my rock. "A child is not fully born until a parent dies". This strikes me deeply as the nut of the journey. How will I be fully born into the world? My father held so much that fear encases me as I face his death. I'm met with cultural fear of death, cultural avoidance. I have friends who do not realize this is most likely why they don't call. This is the world tells me to stop crying. That I should be over it. But I am not. My father was a huge part of my life. Well world. I'm pissed. And somehow I am going to find a way for this to change. I will not avoid it. I will talk about it in the most public places. I will somehow learn to be one with my heart once again. One day you will see that I will be reborn through death.

Remembering You

Dear Dad,

It's an odd feeling knowing that you are no longer here. Knowing that I have lost a great man in my life. At times all I can do is stare into the beyond with no words, no expression, just emptiness. It fills me. I miss in a way I cannot describe. I'm screaming from the inside out. And yet it is the deepest loneliness I've ever experienced. It does not seem to matter how much love other people send my way. Without you life is difficult, life has lost meaning. Tragedy has changed me, Dad. I'm not your little girl anymore, I've been touched by your death. It scares me more than I'd like to admit. You were not old and decrepit. You were young and healthy. You were my angel. You are my angel. But it's nights like tonight where I look at the moon and the stars and I remember you. I remember watching them with you. I remember finding saturn's rings. I remember your laugh, your smile, your way being. And so desperately wish I could find a way there. How do we live our parent's legacies? How do we carry on when we've been touched by something the world pretends doesn't exists. I'm trying dad, for you I keep going. Knowing you are walking with me. Knowing you are now my guide. But I do not know how to talk to mom anymore. I wish I could talk to you, you'd explain to me a way to approach it. All of this is lost in the sea of grief. I stand alone watching the world pass by me and all that I can do is watch. I just never imagined this possibility. There is so much I wish I could say to you. I want my last goodbye. I want to hear your voice telling me it will be okay. I look into your eyes and I remember the love, I remember how you'd want me to live. Then I take a deep breath for there is nothing else to be done. I take in your love and begin to forge a path back to my own heart so that I may transform your love into my own. I miss you dad.

Love your little Dee Dee Girl.