A little lost but no fear

Some days I sit wondering my next steps as I struggle deeply with my soul. I wonder where, when will I stop taking on the problems around me. I want to be strong and wise and stand so strongly no one questions my faith, my abilities, there is no drama. But that is not my life. I'm still reeling from a work experience last week where I felt emotionally dumped upon. When I sit with why I'm still obsessing about the event and previous events with this coworker it comes down to myself worth. My deep fear that I am not good enough, I am not strong enough, I am not smart enough to really impact the world. Its a feeling some days I cannot shake. I can feel my calling and yet there are so many pieces missing for me. First is the love of myself, second is compassion for myself. I don't believe in myself enough. When people are mad at me I try remedy it with reason and apologizes. And there comes a point where I feel as though I have laid my heart out to be walked over. I do not want to be walked over. I want to be loved and its been so hard to get anyone to love me. I feel as though this is changing but I still feel so alone in the world. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I want to expand and fill the world with my heart. But right now I feel hurt, run down and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and stay there. It is so difficult in moments to find my way through the fog of my emotions. I want to hear my wisdom, I want to hear my heart, I want to hear my soul. I want to stop being distracted by drama TV shows that depict epic love that is realistic. I want to be soul giver, I want to be able to communicate with spirits, I want to guide people to heal. And where I sit right now in this moment I'm struggling getting to that place. I want to make my own drum but I'm scared to spend the money. I'm afraid I won't have enough later on. I want so desperately a life that is so different from my family. Have wonder how we can literally recreate life? I need someone to help me with my pain. I need someone to help me see how brilliant I am. I know I can learn from this journey but right now I feel stuck. I feel as though all I want to do since I was yelled at is scream. I just want to scream. BUt I don't, I hold it all in. Because that's professional. That's what we need to do, I must keep going. But truth be told I want to fly, I want to spread my spirit wings and experience the joy of spring. I want to experience the joys of life. And right now I'm struggling, I know I am. But maybe there is an answer in the darkness somewhere.

Friends Lost

Today I am sitting with the need or desire to send a letter or email to an old friend. I'm not even sure she can be called a friend. She hasn't called in Months. And the last time I received a call from her was about a living situation she was thinking about. I did not have a good experience with the person she is choosing to live with. But that's not my problem either. My problem is that she called me a sister and then left. Stopped calling, I feel abandoned. I feel as though people say they love you, say they care for you, but it feels false it feels as though its all a lie. And I'm trying to find a way not to believe this thought process, but its difficult. I want to know where I went wrong, where our friendship went south. Why she won't call and I don't want to process but I want to go have fun, enjoy an experience together. I wonder if it's because of who she lives with, I wonder if it's because I let go of one of our mutual friends. I wonder what I did to deserve this, and that's the nutshell isn't it. That's the part where I make it about me. But I hurt, and I'm angry. I'm angry that in this "healing" community I feel more abandoned by people than in any other community. I feel thrown aside as if my feelings do not matter. I can't decide if it would be to my benefit to write a letter or to surrender and let it go. To accept that I have lost my friendships with SR and its no one person's fault. And in truth I'm expanded into a bigger and better place for myself. I don't feel held back by preconceived notion of who I am. Because in truth when my father died I became a person that these people no longer knew. I wish it didn't have to be like this, I truly wish I could repair the relationship in someway. I simple feel hurt. And I wish that people could look beyond themselves and see what their actions cause. I wish people could understand the impact of my father's death. I wish people could see me. Could see the beautiful heart that I hold. Could see all the beauty that lies in my soul and that I am worth being friends with. I'm worth it all.

Birthday Time

I sit wondering what is my Truth, what is My path. Where am I going because nights like these I feel alone. I feel as though I'm wondering through a forest with no sisters, no friends, just purely alone. And maybe that's okay. I can't quite decided. A part of me wants to play into the pattern that has been occurring for years. I call and complain how no one ever calls. And they apologize and tell me they will try harder. But now that I have stopped calling I've found my phone is silent, my heart is empty. This is how it felt my father left, pure emptiness. Unbelievable aloneness. Being constantly misunderstood and judged for my actions. Its all real, it's all part of my story, my path. I've stepped away from the organization that quite frankly saved my life. And the grief with that is real, the grief for my father is real. My heart aches to be loved, and not just be others by myself. The person who runs and runs. Eats and eats to avoid loving myself. Compassion is lacking in so many ways it strikes me. My mother telling my grandmother is kidney failure. The lack of compassion is palpable, I can feel it so strongly I taste it. I'm angry and bitter that everyone else gets to have their parents into their 80s and 90s, even the 70s. I feel like a horrible person, but I miss my father. I miss the young man he was and it hurts so badly that everyone else. But I just don't have any compassion or care that one grandmother is dying and the other was hospitalized last night. It's like I'm begging for someone anyone else to feel my pain. But they won't it's different. I feel scarred, I feel as though my scar is eating through me like a dis-ease or like a raging wildfire. I can feel myself wishing there was someone near, and I feel a sense that no one could understand. I play with the idea of telling my Aunt how I feel but yet I feel as though she would not understand. She was never close to her parents or my father really... I just wish he was here. I wish so badly I could speak to him that I could call on his spirit... and maybe it's not just because I want to wish him a happy birthday... but because I miss him. My heart hurts so badly in this moment as the storm hits. The firenado. And all I want is to find a way to have compassion for where I sit, to accept where I'm at but it feels nearly impossible. Wishing there was a cave I could wait out the storm. I just want someone to understand how badly this hurts. How hard I'm trying and that they trying in truth is hurting me...It's time to surrender.