I've been wanting to write for days. Have you ever had an experience that can't be articulated? An experience that you swear no one could ever understand? That you yourself aren't sure you understand. That's been my life the last few years. First my father's death and the numbness that came with it. The people who left, the people who I asked to leave, and the people who stayed. At times I just have memories flood through me like a river. This weekend it wasn't about my father but rather my mother. My mother who almost lost her life and I just can't help but think I wasn't there soon enough. And when I arrived she had no idea who I was. It is the single most frightening event that I have experienced. It took my breath away, it shattered my heart, it turned me silent. And now months later I wonder how we survive such an experience. I spent days in the hospital with her. My brother spent more time. I am only 31. And I begin to wonder what the universe is trying to teach me and why I am the one who needs to learn this lesson. Will it provide a greater gift to the universe?
I remember walking into the room and taking my mother's hand looking into her eyes. She stared back but it was so frightening. She looked straight through me as if she did not recognize me. As if I barely existed. She could only reply in one word answers. She wasn't there, she has no memory of me arriving. And I can't help but remember this time, remember how I felt. There was regret, fear, and loneliness in my heart. All I could grab hold of was the practical. I was desperate for something to do. I couldn't help her, I couldn't save her, and yet I know it's not my responsibility. But the vulnerability of the experience is what hits me now. The realization that people couldn't quite understand what I was facing, how truly bad it was. That it wasn't a choice to get on that plane. My mother was dying.... and those are the words that strike me now. What does death truly mean? Fragility, chance, change, metamorphosis? Yes all of it. And I step out of the despair of my vulnerability and step into an experience of a chance to change everything. To have a relationship with my mother, to connect, be and share with her.
Lately, I have been going through an experience. If you are a stranger reading this, I have struggled all my life acknowledging my sexuality and figuring out what that means has been a challenging. Where on the spectrum do I land? Do I need a label? Or could I just let the universe show me to the person that could make me happy on all levels? I'd like to think that is possible. I've been trying to meet new people and a variety of ways. First I joined a faith community for the first time. It's been wonderful. I got invited to a Soup dinner, and well it was not what I expected. I know I dress comfortably and many assume I'm gay, but truthfully I am unsure. Well this dinner party was full of lesbian couples. I had a good experience. I don't know if I'll go back but maybe. And I truly don't know where I stand. There's also a man at Church that has caught my interest. This all feels important to share with my mother, to bridge the gap, and not worry about responses. It's time to live life.
What are you waiting for? What holds you back from living your dreams? What holds you back from living?
