There are moments where the world spins, I'm on autopilot. Nothing feels real. It's as if everything around me disappears I concentrate only on the next step. Where do I put my right foot. There are so many times where your death seems to disappear into the depths of life. All that I'm left with is pure exhaustion. Fatigue that cannot be healed with enough sleep, cannot be healed with eating right, only time eases the difficulty. The fog shadows all my awareness. I can feel the pull of my heart. The ache for my father. Everyday at work I look at him and think God I miss my father. How lucky these children are they still have their's. And yet it's only in the background everything is in the background. The trials in relationship pull on my body like a cold that won't go away. It's as if I just can't find ease, grace, a flow with the grief. Some say I'm doing remarkably well. I say it looks good. That perhaps I'm not doing nearly as well as it seems. Maybe I'm selling myself short. It's difficult for me to tell when I can't seem to even grasp how I feel. Because all I feel is tired. So tired that I almost want to give up. I hate to say it because I've worked so hard to have hope. To have love, to have friendship. But each day it seems I struggle to believe that it is there. To believe that people care enough about me that I will still be able to float through this. All I'd like is for you to listen, to take some responsibility. Yet I'm so tired of asking. I'm so tired of life. It's exhausting chasing people who run the other way. What is the right thing?
I'm too tired to know. Dad do you see how tired I am? I pray that you're near. When I'm this tired, it's as if I"m floating through space without you. Though I wish I could see you I know when the fog lifts you'll return to tell me you're so proud. That you love me, that I am still your little girl.
At times I sit wondering, wondering the differences in people. How some of us can stand so TALL in the face of udder tradegy and others crumble in fear. What would happen if we all surrender into love and friendship. Took responsibility for our lives. I'd like to think I wouldn't feel so alone. I'd like to think maybe this fog wouldn't be so thick. That maybe it would be more like oil than molasses.
