Victimhood

There are the moment when you truly feel alone, out of place. You realize you don't quite fit in anywhere. It may not be true, but the feeling nonetheless is very real. I've felt this all week. With a friend who has not responded to renewed conversation. Perhaps because I shared me hurt it pushed her away. It is hard for me to not feel as though some of the circumstances of my life are indeed my fault. A cause of not being funny enough, not being outgoing enough, not being lovable. Yes these are my thoughts though I know them to be victimizing thoughts. They are true statements for a lot of us. A lot of us do feel unlovable in the mist of the crowd or alone. For me that is the struggle how do I believe in love, in friendship, when it feels as though people do not want to engage in the idea. I have fleeting moments of this. Of feelings as though I've found it and then one relationship from my past can through it all out of kilter. Its amazing really if you sit and think about it. The healing needs to deepening. I need to believe in myself to the core. And the truth is I don't. I fear more than anything that I am inadequate. That may weird ways will never be loved enough to be dear friends. That I will be left leaning on my work for a sense of worth in the world. Even though I know deep down this is not the answer. I also know the communities of the past are not the answer either. I am in limbo. I have found some true authentic experience of friendship. I have found some true love in my life. I have had healed. And I find myself spun back around to victim. Victim to my own emotions as the tumble through my like a tornado. Trying to grab hold only seems to make it worse. I need space, I need to breathe, I need to bathe in the sun without anything else to do. I want to spread my arms wide and scream. Let all my anger seep out of me and feed the earth. I want to be free.

Ghosts from the Past

I'm finding myself worried about the past, holding onto the energy even though I know it is bound time to let it go. But I think back to the friendships I use to have and I miss them. I miss the people I had them with and when someone tells me that they care about me and want what's best for me. If you are so proud of me why did you leave. The neglect and abandonment of my childhood hits me like a wave of anger that I cannot quite step past. It's not just the childhood, it's the connection to my father's death. The people who flew to be by my side during the tragedy are no longer by my side. The sadness of that fact is deeply heartbreaking to me. I miss my father more than anything in the world. I wish I could hear his voice just one more time and the people from my past from this community remind deeply of his death. Of the moments I felt so alone I could not breathe, I felt neglected while being surrounded by people. Its not like they didn't try, they did but I could not feel their presence. They did not understand the emptiness that lay in my heart night after night. The hope beyond hope that maybe it was all a bad dream. I go back to this every now and again. I find the whispers of the past bring back to this place of deep heart and deep longing. I long to have friends that can hear my heart. I have found in letting go a small tribe of these people. I've never wanted sympathy, I've never wanted why aren't you over it, it's too much for me to handle so I disappear. I wanted true authentic friendship and in the grief I know I asked for a lot. I may have been borderline begging for someone anyone to finally see through the fog, the walls, the damns I'd built to protect myself. I'm through most of what I consider the worst of the hurricane. I guess I felt in some ways they gave up on me. But it goes beyond the grief for me, I feel myself wanting friendships where people are engaged and what to actually have fun with me. I don't want to process, I certainly don't want to talk about my dad. I want to laugh. I want to be wanted. These people made me feel like I was not worth loving, that I was not cool enough because they did not ask me to do things. It really hurt when they left. Everyone has their flow with relationships I've discovered. Mostly for me I've realized that my grief over time showed me who were my true friends. And who were too wrapped up in their lives to connect on the level I craved. And now the beauty of all the pain is the opening to a whole new way of being. I want to be a new me, I want to be wild, brilliant, and change the world. I don't want to hold back. I want to explode outward in all the rainbow colors that only a few have had the pleasure of witnessing. Do not judge me by my cover... I am much more than I seem. If you have known me for years, you might be missing out on how awesome I really am. Do not judge me by my past, I am no longer my past.