Our Mad World

I wonder what mad world we live in. What provokes each of us to believe what we believe? How long will we defend our position without listening to any other perspective? Some of us will defend it until our death beds. As I look carefully through the layers that exploded out of the ground this holiday. I wonder if some of us are too stuck in our ways to even merely communicate. I wonder if some of us are too different to hear one another. But as human beings we love naturally we crave connection. However, it's messy. So so messy. At times I'm unsure of what to think. Am I just behind the curve because it certainly feels as though you are trying to explain that world to me. That is not what I would like. But there is no way to express this without upset, without you feeling like you cannot be yourself. So to keep some peace I shut down and by default I no longer can be myself. Where is the middle ground? Where is the love? When you lose someone so suddenly it feels as though a hole has been ripped through the fabric of your life. There is no real way to mend it. All the old wounds that stood beneath the covers prior to your death are now devastatingly clear. It hurts knowing that being with family is the hardest task of all now. Not because we don't love each other but because we all hurt and have a difficult time communicating without you lighting the way. It's like trying to untangle a Giant's knot. There is just no simple answer. When I look into the mirror everything feels too big, too much. And wonder how will I make it through the forest unscathed. My answer is that I won't. But I will survive I haven't yet figured out how you survive this. But if I know anything about myself it is that I'm a survivor. I will find a way. In this moment the way is of confusion, mess, and delusion. I feel as if looking into the mirror only provides absolute confusion and illusion. Nothing feels quite like a breakthrough because I feel as though my strength and fire have plummeted into the earth. I'm looking in unexpected places to find them again. My calm resolve has dissolved. And I'm left with an aching pain in my heart wishing beyond hope that my father will give me a sign. Knowing if I could just drop back into who I am I'd feel him standing right next me. But even on the ski slope I found my attention elsewhere. Until my attention because centered around him, which really means around who I am without my father I will not feel his presence. It's a sad state that I find myself in. However, for those reading this wondering how grief works. Well I don't think anyone will ever know. It's unique. Some people can reach beyond themselves others stuff there emotions and explode/implode. I sit wondering how the universe will guide me to victory.

The Holidays

The holidays now contain a whole new meaning. A meaning I'm not sure I'd like to grasp. A meaning that almost escapes me. It is dread, despair, loneliness. It is no longer a meaning of joy and happiness. I'd like to blackout the holidays. Create a non-existing experience. Go do something else. It's darkest before the dawn. And I sit wondering where my reality begins and where it ends. I float into feelings and float out because they are just too painful. I'm not entirely sure I want to. I'm not entirely sure how to make sense of your death. It eats at me. It create a chaos I'm not sure how to approach. Journaling seems so impossible. So I write to the internet world knowing only a few actually may read my words. Are the words worth writing? Yes this as close as I get to feeling, expressing my truth. I sit looking remember the events of the last few days. Watching my friend cry for me and the anguish that created in my own psyche. Shouldn't I be crying for my loss? For all the synchronicity? And yet I've built a rock wall I only take down in private, because without my father life is so... difficult. Then there's today's story of a friend calling with an odd surprise. Do you want Owl wings? And I didn't hesitate of course I do! The wisdom emanating from above my bed reminding me to fly! Yes spirit you are there in the most amazing ways. And I sit crying wondering if this is the first gift from the universe during these holidays. For some nights it feels so dark I wonder if I will rise come daylight. If I'll barricade myself ignoring all that life is blessing me with. When it is darkest before the dawn I seem to be missing out on my life. This weekend a four almost five year old taught me that. Children can remind us what is important. And yet though I know I missing out on my life. I also feel as though I am grieving I miss my father. Esp. right now. And all I can do is hope I do not break. This all I want for Christmas is a healed heart.   

I Feel

This is I feel post. For it seems everything has built up to a point of no return. I feel angry. This a constant complaint, but really why shouldn't I be my father was taken away. All I want to say to people who complain about there's is at least you have one. All I want to say is if you hate your's so much give mine back! And all of this boils down to feeling irritated that my roommate cannot clean the stove, she makes me up talking on her phone, she left town while her pumpkin rotted to the nth degree.  And yeah it annoys me because it's disrespectful. And then I find it funny because she's thinks she's so very consciousness. Well that's being human right we see ourselves one way and the world perceives in a different light. Nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is how I feel inside? How I feel like dealing with people is unbelievably difficult. It's why I don't call. It's why it takes everything to have any fun at all. Because it feels easier to mourn alone. There are no human dynamics other than my own. Not that I can deal with those easier but it's simpler. I sit wondering how it is that I manage to be Dean's List student with close to a 4.0 each semester and yet my life is falling apart. I wonder if people notice. I wonder if I notice. Because sometimes I think it's all too much and I'm writing a dangerous edge and something is going have to give. I sit scared wondering how in the world I will make it through.
In group this week a woman turned to me and said wow that must have been horrible to have your dad die three days before xmas. You have no idea. I have no idea. Because I cannot go there. I don't want to imagine it. It's the same with a good friend of mine, "I don't even want to imagine it" yeah I know neither do i! But the problem is I have to live it. I have to face it. I have to go through it. No one, no one can do it for me. No one can scream for me. No one can really be there for me. And I think because of that I've just stopped calling. I've just decided it's easier if I stop trying to explain how I feel because it's too exhausting and yet somewhere I'll need. And it won't matter if they understand. It won't matter if they see me, if they hear me, but somewhere I need to stop floating.

Dad
Lost, Confused, and Frightened.
I see the glowing moon.
Reminding me your not far.
Giving hope to the broken hearted.
The trauma fades to the background
As I face the world.
One day at a time
One breath at a time.
For there is nothing worse than remembering.
And there is nothing better than remembering.
So I do both in order to face today.

Giving In

I begin to wonder at what point does the void and emptiness fade. At what point does my sense of self return. At what point does life feel a sense for normality. Or is this out of scope of normal. Is the idea of normal an illusion to the human mind? All I can do is sit and wonder. My heart filled with so much pain and anguish that it's difficult to do anything. I'm beginning to wonder if truly my avoidance in calling people is not because I need space but more because I don't know what to say. If I talk nothing makes sense and my confusion persists. It's easier to stay quiet and pretend that life is okay in my silence. It's not okay. I cry out for my father's voice, and I can hear it faintly. But all in all the emptiness of my heart is overwhelming. I sit wondering how people cope. How you ever learn to have fun again. It makes me feel so weak that I cannot seem to move in, that it take so much for me to cry. I am so angry but it will not leave. I tried hitting a punching bag, then the thought of explaining how I broke my hand caused me to stop. Life has become dismal and I wish I knew a way to cheer myself on. It's not as if I'm giving up merely giving over to the attempt to become unstuck. Giving over to the very fact that I am not the same as I once was. I am a fatherless daughter. And that statement alone provokes emotion so deep. I wonder how it is I will even maintain relationships, speak truth, when it seems I'm barely scraping by. Then I sit and wonder if perhaps this all just a game. I am strong, brave, and courageous I do not let people walk over me. Will I really give up, no not in a million years. I may however be falling for a little while. And all that seems possible is breathing, crying, screaming, and recognizing the intensity of this experience. Knowing that no one in my life truly understands my experience, no one truly can see how complex it is, though I desperately wish someone could recognize how hard this is. Remind me how well I'm doing, how much I'm doing, and that's it's a fucking miracle. Instead I'm left to tell myself at the end of the day, good job you made it through. Let's keep going, what needs to be done now. There is a deep desire, wish, that perhaps maybe somehow I could find a way to really laugh, to have fun, it feels so far away from my finger tips right now.

Wonder

Some days I wonder how it is I make it through. How is it that learn? I feel lost in every aspect of the word. My stomach turns unable to really digest my food, and wonder how long will this last. How long will I need basic self care? I want to run, I really do want to be happy again but it feels so nearly impossible. Even talking seems like a difficult task. I'd rather walk alone right now. Day in and Day out, it's not helpful to tell me to change my perspective or thought process. Call it what you will. I call it grief, I call out it burn out, I call it my path. Perhaps you call it control or resistance. By labeling it that I then feel a sense of doing this all WRONG. I want to do right by my father. I want to heal and yet it feels as though I'm scrapping my nails down the chalk board. I sit with the world spinning around me in every color imaginable, it's overwhelming, I do not have the energy to fight the stimulus. All I can do is hope that I don't drown. It's a feeble existence I just do not know how to cope with your death, Dad. It's overwhelming and I've lost track of my heart. My mind sends me through crazy trip after crazy trip. My body is screaming for relief. And all I can do is drop to my knees and pray I'll make it without something breaking before I cross the finish line. I believe and I do not believe. I want to be understood without a word uttered from my mouth, I want to be left alone. All and all I don't understand shit. Yep that's the bottom line of my fatigue. The unknown is so scary and all I want is a chance to say goodbye to you. Sometimes when I listen to the radio I resonate with these loves songs not because there was something romantic but rather because I cared for you that much. I miss you that much. However, weird that may sound. There is something soothing about listen to a song about heartbreak. Because I'm devasted, heart broken, and dying on the inside. With no other options than to pick up my foot and take a step. I was taught never to give up, yet it amazes me how much I'm hurting. One day I will let the world know, I'll stop hiding it on the inside. Because I deserve to live in reality and to stop pretending I am okay. One day I will be however it probably won't be today.

When I think of you dad, you are the glisten of the sun on the flowers. You are the love that grows my garden, you are what keeps me going knowing that I must share what it means to be loved with those around me. Thank you for teaching and helping me grow even beyond death itself.

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

29 years ago you held me in your arms with a twinkle in your eye so I am told. I miss you terribly. I cannot believe that today is the first birthday without you. It hurts to know that you will not call, that when I see mom it will not be the same. There won't be a weird joint birthday song on my voicemail. We won't have one our beloved tasks all of it is gone. Gandoff says to Frodo "do not pity the dead, pity the living". It's so true, I'm so sure you're at peace. You've told me. And I cannot imagine another way and yet I sit here wondering how to keep living without you. It's seem so ridiculous but I loved you so dad. I looked up to you in so many ways. And without you today it just creates a stronger reality. All I can do is miss my father. But I will always be your little girl. I feel so blessed to have a dad who loved as much you did. In a way that cannot be written or expressed in words. It's a special feeling when a father loves a daughter in this way. I sit wondering in what ways life will change over the next year. I wonder how my relationships with mom and kyle will change. How much stronger I will become. Today in honor of you I want you to know how much I love you. That I'm so blessed that you and mom created me. I feel blessed with life however much adversity I've had to face. I smile at the way you've defended me over the years. The patience you constantly showed to me and my sensitivities. I could ALWAYS count on you to listen, though at times absent and judgmental. I'm deeply honored you changed. I wish today of all days I could tell you all this and yet all I can do put it out there and maybe you'll hear it. Perhaps heaven has internet now. :) Have you seen what I've accomplished? I got invited to join the Golden Key Honor Society, held a 3.7 even after your death, I went back to school despite everything, I held the family together best that I could. And I'm still going though it's frighteningly hard I am doing it. I think of you often. I think often that a lot of what I do is for you. I beginning to find my way back to doing this for me and at times just in honor of your life. It's just so hard to imagine celebrating today without. How can I not also celebrate your life as you did give me life? I must. I must for me, for you, for our family. Maybe it sounds crooked and odd. Well we all know I'm a little off. Dad thank you for helping give me life. For teaching as much as you could before you had to leave. Thank you for being an amazing dad in the end. I love you so much.

Missing you.
Your little dee dee girl.

A good cry

A good cry is hard to come by. Now that it's here, all I feel is anger. I'm beyond angry that other people get sympathies for a lost grandparent. I sit and wonder why. Yet it is my own grief that is asking that question. It is my own anger that blocks my ability to have compassion. And it is my grief that I have to deal with. And it is the loneliest condition i've ever faced. There is NO ONE that can make this better. There is no one who can truly comfort me. And yet that is all I want, I want someone to tell me it's okay you'll make it through this. Though if you were to tell me I'm not sure I would believe you. When I feel the pain is like a deep well of every emotion you can imagine overflowing. Uncontainable and a gnawing pain, a sickness. It feels horrible. I don't want to grieve I want my father back. That's what I want. You want to know what I want for my birthday I want my father back. I want to be able to see him one more time, just have one more conversation. And because I can't have that, because he's dead and I don't know how to bring him back. Instead I'm left living in a world that I want to constantly escape from, that there is no remedy for. There is no comfort. And I'm forced to do it on my own. For no one truly understands the nightmare. No one truly understands that every day I relive that day. I hear my mother's voice, I hear my brother's voice. I hear dear friends shocked reactions that didn't register. I remember the plane ride and the moment the tears began to flow. It is a nightmare every day. I don't know how to come to terms with something this big. How can you ever? How can you move on with your life? It's sheer willpower that I'm living my life.
Had an experience in class last week... a woman I barely know said "How are you still doing this program?" I looked at her and quite frankly I had no answer. I don't know. But quite frankly I'm not sure how much longer I can do it. I feel like my whole world is falling to pieces around me. Electronics being broken only be my lack of ability to multitask. Everything feels like it's going to explode. I'm so angry I don't even know where to start. I think it's sheer fucking willpower that I'm able to keep on trucking. But I'm not sure I want to anymore. I want to crawl under the covers and sleep and cry for a week or more like a year. And perhaps after that I'd feel as though I could face the world. But I don't have that I have tonight to vent to the interweb space of the world. And world I am fucking angry that the universe took my dad away. He was my everything. My world. He was my hero. And damn it I want to go skiing with him. I want him to call me. And I'm sorry if I just have no compassion if your grandparents die, but I don't. I don't care, not in the sense that I have no heart. I do not have the capacity to care if you lost someone in the natural cycle of life. Take a minute and sit in my shoes, I'll tell you, you won't to for long. If you sit in them then tell me it's not okay for me to be angry, and not care. Perhaps actually for me in this moment it's totally okay. But really I'm not just pissed my dad is gone and that I have to keep going. That world goes on like everything is okay. Well I am not. And yet my willpower is so strong that I'm able to keep trucking through but I think I need more spontaneous cries to let all this steam out it's killing me.

Remberance of 9/11

It strikes me with such sadness to listen to the voices of 9/11. In some ways it feels as if I can relate so more deeply to their experience even if my father wasn't killed by a building that someone crashed a plane to. But I remember ALL my thoughts and actions both the day 9/11 happened and the day my father died. It has such an impact, it's written across everything I do. One woman said "You do not recover from it you heal, but you remember always, there is always a void". This is difficult to come to grips with as I desperately want to heal, I want to recover, I want my life. But I will never be able to fill the void, I will become more comfortable with it over time. There is no replacing the man who raised me, who stood by me always when milestones occur. Only my father can walk me down the aisle. Only my father could do so many things. And it is in that, that causes me to feel as though life has ended. In the scariest way I fear returning to a place of deep darkness, of feeling the depth of this sorrow. And I truly don't think anyone can fully understand that. Saying I'm doing great is so superficial to me. I won't be doing great for a long time. And all I can sit with is today is wow, I called him that day. I don't remember what he said, but I remember it was comforting. I remember sitting on the stairs in the dorm hallway. The first day of classes. I called my parents it would have never occurred to me the possibility that 10 years later he would gone. Life is so short, I just haven't figured out how to let go. How do I live his legacy? How do I now comfort people in tragedy? How do I share his love when it hurts so much to acknowledge it. One day Dad, the light is going to shine through the deep darkness your passing has left. Perhaps it already is and I just can't find it today. Love you always.

The Fog

There are moments where the world spins, I'm on autopilot. Nothing feels real. It's as if everything around me disappears I concentrate only on the next step. Where do I put my right foot. There are so many times where your death seems to disappear into the depths of life. All that I'm left with is pure exhaustion. Fatigue that cannot be healed with enough sleep, cannot be healed with eating right, only time eases the difficulty. The fog shadows all my awareness. I can feel the pull of my heart. The ache for my father. Everyday at work I look at him and think God I miss my father. How lucky these children are they still have their's. And yet it's only in the background everything is in the background. The trials in relationship pull on my body like a cold that won't go away. It's as if I just can't find ease, grace, a flow with the grief. Some say I'm doing remarkably well. I say it looks good. That perhaps I'm not doing nearly as well as it seems. Maybe I'm selling myself short. It's difficult for me to tell when I can't seem to even grasp how I feel. Because all I feel is tired. So tired that I almost want to give up. I hate to say it because I've worked so hard to have hope. To have love, to have friendship. But each day it seems I struggle to believe that it is there. To believe that people care enough about me that I will still be able to float through this. All I'd like is for you to listen, to take some responsibility. Yet I'm so tired of asking. I'm so tired of life. It's exhausting chasing people who run the other way. What is the right thing?
I'm too tired to know. Dad do you see how tired I am? I pray that you're near. When I'm this tired, it's as if I"m floating through space without you. Though I wish I could see you I know when the fog lifts you'll return to tell me you're so proud. That you love me, that I am still your little girl.
At times I sit wondering, wondering the differences in people. How some of us can stand so TALL in the face of udder tradegy and others crumble in fear. What would happen if we all surrender into love and friendship. Took responsibility for our lives. I'd like to think I wouldn't feel so alone. I'd like to think maybe this fog wouldn't be so thick. That maybe it would be more like oil than molasses.

Deathly Anger

It strikes me as a such a predicament I am in. We are human and therefore have relationships. What I want seems so far out of my reach and yet it sits right in my palm. I have the power of choice. I have the power of perspective. It's nights like these where I wonder where my hope lies. The anger overwhelms every pore of my body. I scream, I kick, I cry because the world no longer makes sense. Without my father it seems cruel and unusual. It seems foreign. My compassion for others is lessened and my anger is exploding from the inside out. Doing this on my own seems nearly impossible. I wish I could sit across from my dearest friends and tell them. Share with them my heart, but I fear I do not even understand what it is telling me. I feel closed off from myself. I feel closed to the world. The world took my father away without a minute to say goodbye. Why should I bend? Why should I let go of my anger? Because I want to be whole. I want to learn how to give what I desire from others to myself. But this with the depth of my pain feels nearly impossible. I see my need to tell someone I'm exploding, imploding. It relieves some pressure. A response is not necessary. Just listen, Just see me for all that I am.

Without you Dad. I feel as though I've lost everything. I've lost mom, I've lost my sense of self, I've lost my heart, I've lost my ability to have loving confrontations, I've lost all that I thought I had found. It is the most rewarding and painful journey I have ever embarked upon. I desperately grabbing at straws. Because Dad I miss you. You were my rock. "A child is not fully born until a parent dies". This strikes me deeply as the nut of the journey. How will I be fully born into the world? My father held so much that fear encases me as I face his death. I'm met with cultural fear of death, cultural avoidance. I have friends who do not realize this is most likely why they don't call. This is the world tells me to stop crying. That I should be over it. But I am not. My father was a huge part of my life. Well world. I'm pissed. And somehow I am going to find a way for this to change. I will not avoid it. I will talk about it in the most public places. I will somehow learn to be one with my heart once again. One day you will see that I will be reborn through death.

Remembering You

Dear Dad,

It's an odd feeling knowing that you are no longer here. Knowing that I have lost a great man in my life. At times all I can do is stare into the beyond with no words, no expression, just emptiness. It fills me. I miss in a way I cannot describe. I'm screaming from the inside out. And yet it is the deepest loneliness I've ever experienced. It does not seem to matter how much love other people send my way. Without you life is difficult, life has lost meaning. Tragedy has changed me, Dad. I'm not your little girl anymore, I've been touched by your death. It scares me more than I'd like to admit. You were not old and decrepit. You were young and healthy. You were my angel. You are my angel. But it's nights like tonight where I look at the moon and the stars and I remember you. I remember watching them with you. I remember finding saturn's rings. I remember your laugh, your smile, your way being. And so desperately wish I could find a way there. How do we live our parent's legacies? How do we carry on when we've been touched by something the world pretends doesn't exists. I'm trying dad, for you I keep going. Knowing you are walking with me. Knowing you are now my guide. But I do not know how to talk to mom anymore. I wish I could talk to you, you'd explain to me a way to approach it. All of this is lost in the sea of grief. I stand alone watching the world pass by me and all that I can do is watch. I just never imagined this possibility. There is so much I wish I could say to you. I want my last goodbye. I want to hear your voice telling me it will be okay. I look into your eyes and I remember the love, I remember how you'd want me to live. Then I take a deep breath for there is nothing else to be done. I take in your love and begin to forge a path back to my own heart so that I may transform your love into my own. I miss you dad.

Love your little Dee Dee Girl.

The Hole

Falling down the hole again
There seems to be an ocean down there.
Conversation is useless.
Fighting though is pointless
But I continue.
Anger begins to seep out
Of all that I so careful sew.
What is left?
How do you love
When you are simply blinded.
Where is the light...
It is sewn so tightly
that it's not visible to my eyes.
It becomes faint in the fabric.
And I become desperate for an answer.
Yet none will heal my heart.

Its All About Me

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust.
Its all about me.
Yet the whole world believes its all about them.
Grief.
Its mine alone.
Stop pretending
that you understand.
Stop pretending that it's about my mother
Or my brother.
Stop being prey
To societies beliefs.
My angst
My lonliness
My darkness
My joy
Is only mine.
Are you so uncomfortable
That you must make it about someone else?
Because it's all about me.
My choices are not yours.
What will you choose to do now?
Do you hear what I am saying?
Its all about me.
He is my father.
My unique knowing
Allows all the colors on the leaves to change.
And yet I will not change the world.
Not right now.
I will only be me.
I will only call out to my father.
I will only cry when I need to.
I will only scream when I need to.
I will laugh when I need to.
There is no should.
There is no have to.
The outside does not dictate
My joys
My darkness.
It's all about me.
I decide how I will grieve.
You may stand there
Not understand the change in my heart.
I don't ask for understanding.
I ask that you watch without words.
You watch me journey deeper.
I ask you to make it all about me just this once.
Honor my father by watching, waiting, witnessing.
Honor me in the same.
It is all about me.

Regaining Ground

Spiritual Container

You are outside of the cognitive realm.

A color undescribable.

A tool that requires no more than a listening ear.

A gentle touch of the shoulder.

A brush of the cheek 

A wonder at the sky.

A peaceful guidance and safety.

I wonder if you are the answer. 

For I do not trust you anymore. 

The day my dad died I lost trust in your protection. 

Yet I see clearly now you will bring the color back.

My life will be easier.

I pray to you now

In all the pain

In all the sorrow

And in all the joy. 

Help is needed

Near and Far. 

Will you join me again?

Strengthening around Brokenness

I wish I take from you the hurt

The pain that YES I feel it too. 

And yet I have no idea how you are inside. 

I wish I could show you how beautiful you are.

You are a prime example of strength and courage!

Yet it's too much for you.

And then it's too much for me.

All I wish for is truth.

And yet I also wish for my mother. 

My father is gone.

And a part of my mother left with him.

Sadness ripples in waves that I do not understand.

How does a family return after a death?

How is it possible to find joy again?

The strength I see in my mother is there.

Yet anger fills the room

like a wave of fire. 

My family has fallen.

I have fallen with them.

Life is not linear

Life is not black and white.

Life has become a painting I cannot comprehend.

Yet underneath all of it my family

gives me hope.

My father was my hope.

Now hope is my lifeline.

Family lost in death

My father's body died. 

My mother's heart broke. 

My brother is lost. 

My spirit is locked away. 

Our family is broken.

I am no longer a child.

We are grieving. 

We are no longer the same.

We have become a family of grief. 

To Begin Again

Each night I live alone

The darkness fills the room

Like an old friend. 

It consumes me. 

I am left to fight it without you.

Since you've left I've forgotten how to live. 

As if I slipped into a void when you died. 

I died too. 

I am no longer living.

The pain has taken over.

I sit in the middle of night

crying your name. 

Wishing for only my father. 

You do not answer. 

The screams echo in the darkness.

Nothing comforts. 

Nothing heals. 

Life is too much. 

Yet somewhere I hear a faint whisper. 

Of hope.

Of faith. 

Of rememberance. 

Your legacy will not die with me. 

If only I could find a way to live again. 

To begin again.

Shadow

If I disappear behind the shadow of the mountain

Would you notice.

Would you see my pain

That sits just behind the shadow of my heart.

What would happen if I dissipated with the rain?

Perhaps you’d finally realize how important truth is.

I Am Somebody

No one has remembered you.

I remember.

Yet I try to forget.

I hide the fact that you existed.

And now I hurt more deeply than ever.

There tears barely come.

In every mirror I see you in my eyes.

I see you in my cheek bones.

I see you in my smile.

Yet I cannot smile.

It’s too much to bare.

Without you daddy, it’s too much.

It cannot be your birthday.

How do I call you?

I sit numb

Like the ocean tide wiping away your memories.

I’m alone.

I’m empty.

I haven’t cried in over a week.

You’re not here.

You never were.

And I’m so angry.

Redness overwhelmed with hurt.

All that is seen is the darkness of survival.

All I see is the vain existence in life.

What is worth living if you are not here?

What is worth seeing if I cannot share it with you?

Who am I without you?

I’m a daughter lost at sea.

Where is your hand?

Life

Torn away from those you loved most deeply.

Alone in the hurricane.

Without a rope

Without a hope

With only the hope that I can do this.
I do this for you daddy.

I survive for you.

If not for who would I be.

I would be a nobody.

I am a somebody because of you!

A Story to Tell

I have a story to tell but I do not know what it is. Sitting in the silence brings up all kinds of anger. Anger at people who failed to call. People who do not ask how I am. People who pretend I should be over this. People who think losing a parent is no big deal. I do not wish to engage. I do not wish to approach them and tell them how deeply hurt I am. Without means of understanding. I sit, confused. Unbelieving that my father is gone. How is it truly possible that my hero disappeared into thin air without even a simple good bye? I wonder what is my part in this story. This hurts like nothing I've ever felt. I wonder where do I go. Where do I stand? All these question run, run, and run through my brain. I wonder dad what you would say. Sometimes I hear you... in my ear faintly whispering the answer. What would you say about how I am coping? What would you say to each of us? Would you be proud of me? Would you give me a big hug? How I wish I could have only said goodbye.

I have a story to tell 

But I do not know what it is. 

It has yet to unfold. 

I sit in the silence as if the answer will expose itself. 

All there is anger. 

Why did you not call?

Why am I invisible?

How can I live without my father? 

It all filters slowly through my heart.

No sense can be made.

A fire begins to build

I shield it.

For I do not know what kind of storm it will bring.

I fear it's strength.

The distructive nature that I've felt. 

Without my calm father.

The emotions spill out like lava. 

And I turn, and turn, and turn

staring at a blank canvas.

One day my story will be told.

It will help others understand their's.

Love

Love

Is the sound of water flowing

Is the beautiful scent of flowers

Is the act of touching two hands together.

The feeling of the vibrating energy passing through them.

The trembling lips of excitement.

The anxiety waiting for a phone call.

Lying underneath the sun looking only into their eyes.

Knowing that you are seen without any of your walls

Without any of your defenses.

That you are seen completely and totally naked

While being fully clothed.

The eyes you look into see your soul.

More beautifully then can be put into words.

Deep unconditional love.

You feel more beautiful with them then without.

You feel more whole embraced by their presence.

It’s as if their arms reach out from their heart and wrap you in a warm blanket.

All of a sudden it feels as if you have come home.

You tried so hard on your own

But somehow their soul brought you closer to your own heart.

Love is the way we walk.

The way we talk.

The way we choose to live, breathe, and laugh.

Love is a commitment to our future.

Love is our commitment to our happiness.

To the beauty that breaths in our dreams and our souls.

Alone

The emptiness fills me like a drug.

It's worse than I could have ever imagined.

It swallows me whole.

No loving words comfort it.

It is as if death has also grabbed hold of my heart.

It tugs and pulls reminding me.

Everyday that he is gone.

And where do I go?

What do I do?

How do I live with death?

It is as if a veil has been pulled from my eyes.

And all I see is the void.

The deep void that is left behind.

When YOU are left behind.

And for the first time there is nothing to be said.

There is no way to comforted.

Too young to fully comprehend the world.

And I stand staring at the emptiness as if I could fill it.

If only I had the right words.

I could heal the world.

I could heal my own heart.

I could unwrap death's hands.

But there are no words for this loneliness.

The Blackness

The blackness overwhelms

Even the smallest butterfly.

Nothing else in the world can be

Seen
Touched

Or Heard.

Colors disappear.

Importance changes.

Life is not the same.

Nothing will ever be the same

Without his voice, his laughter, and guidance.

Broken hearted

Alone.

Filled with a blackness that has no words.

No comfort.

Now way to soothe.

Only time can mend this wound

that has shattered my world.

That Day

The world stopped

The day you died.

My heart got lost in my love.

I am alone. 

The phone doesn't ring.

I keep looking for it to read "Dad".

I want to hear your voice just one last time.

But instead I'm filled with silence and emptiness. 

A hollow feeling of despair.

Who am I if I'm not my father's daughter?

How do I continue without your fatherly advice?

Without your love?

Nothing feels the same.

Blackness fills the air over

Every birth

Every marriage

Every celebration.

I grab hold of the memories.

Of the laughter and of hope. 

Dad without you I am not whole

I feel deeply wounded, weak

And everything goes black, numb 

Without you by my side.

Help me poppy.