The Message in the Dark

Somedays I'm struck by the amount of anger that runs through my system. Reading facebook and the posts going back and forth between people I might say use to by my friends my sisters. Maybe I'm too rigid in my idea of that, but I have never been good with people who don't call, text, email, have no form of communication and those that do claim they want to connect with me only use their words. There are no other desire to connect. I sent a text to a friend about an event I was working I knew her son would love. There was no text back "sorry we couldn't make it", "you should come over afterwards". Nothing. I'm tired of nothing. That's all it's been since my father died. Nothingness. No verbal response, no phone calls, no how are yous, no invites, just nothing. If I make the effort I might get a response. But I am tired. It feels severely codependent. Why is it in our world we get so wrapped up in our own lives that we cannot reach out and talk with someone else? Why is it I am willing to travel across worlds to help someone but I cannot seem to get that back? No one is willing to travel across worlds to help me. I sit lost in thoughts of anger, bitterness, and an almost unwillingness to let it go. Life has seemingly fallen apart since my father died. I'm very close to writing off an entire group of friends. Some days I'm okay. I surrender into the place that if they decide to pick up the phone one day that would be wonderful. I have friends that do that on occasion but they live in other states. Maybe I should consider myself lucky to have one person in my corner that will probably never leave. I'm grateful for that. And I'm lonely. I miss the relationships I use to have before my father died. What I don't understand is why did it need to change?

For me it did change. I've heard people reflect that I'm wrong. But here's the deal I don't do distant friendship well or really at all. When people say that we are here for you. That's what I expect, when it doesn't happen my disappointment is hugely palpable. And the bottom line is that I am not asking for much. A text or phone call here and there. Is it so hard? Is it so hard for us to step outside of our lives to connect with someone else's heart? It deeply saddens me how things have occurred. It comes down to the fact that people are afraid of death, even people who have done personal healing work. I had people not call because they didn't know what to say, that's not excuse people. I had people try fix everything. If I shared that I wanted to pick up running she would offer to go with me. This is fixing, though you might see at being supportive, it is not witnessing. Then there were the people who called and never called again. No one came by my apartment. No one brought food. No one called to ask how I was. The community I thought would be there for me wasn't. And days like today I do not know what to do with it. I have literally in the last few days expressed my desire to have no real contract with the organization of SR. And really that's how I feel and yet reading facebook this morning it struck me that I am in the minority. And reading how someone missed another one of my friends, I deeply desire that message. But in truth I know that I will not recieve it.

Some days I worry I have left the community in anger. But in some ways I feel as though a level of damage has occurred that cannot be repaired. All I want is to be able to share my heart with your heart. That's all I've ever wanted. I feel too hurt to do that now. I feel a pull to engage in the things I know feed my soul: church, pagan events, priestess training, drumming, and red tents. And hope that I can build new lasting relationships. But its so hard some days and I feel so angry. And I feel like I have every right to be angry. And yet I also feel like by taking this anger everywhere I go I am only building resentment and bitterness inside my soul. I don't want that. I want release. I want a new life where life is enjoyable and happy. And maybe I need to let go of these relationships but I also know I have to let go of the anger or I won't attract new people into my life.

So I guess the bottom line is. My message to the world is see the person in front of you. Take five minutes to step out of your own crisis and you may find the deep heart connection you needed and the other person needs. Don't be selfish, but also be selfish. Share what you need, hear what the other person needs. Do not run from death or birth for that matter. Both are the one in the same. Some people grieve alone others need a community, listen to what your sister/friend needs. Reach out even when its hard, even when it doesn't feel enough. Reach out Reach out. Because if you don't you may find an empty space in your life. Don't hold onto bitterness but also don't overextend yourself to save a relationship. Speak your truth often. Tell your story as often as you need to. Do not lean on anything too heavily or you may find it will break. Lean on yourself, learn who you are, learn who you want in your life. If you can do that happiness will find its way through the darkness. Gold will fill the places of brokenness. And one day you may find yourself laughing, surrendering, and finally understanding the darkness. For now like me breathe into the darkness and trust in the light.

Darkness

I keep getting stuck in this anger. It's like a black fog of unidentifiable anger, fear, something I just can't pinpoint. Its like I'm afraid to big, to be bold, to be me. If I'm me, whatever that means, it will mean I will have to feel. I like to paint this picture of the perfect world, the perfect healing pieces. But nothing is healed. I'm still angry that my father left. I'm still angry that I feel lonely. I'm still angry that my uncle took advantage of me and let's be real abused me. I'm angry my parents fought. I'm angry with myself that I continue to try to create this picture perfect life. In the picture I can handle everything with ease, breathe, and grace. And well who can really do that all of the time. I'm surrounded by love but i can't feel it because I'm drowning in my own sorrow. Though most days I do a double take at this reality maybe it's not true. "I feel okay right now"... But what is okay. Is it having two legs and two arms? Is it having all the answers? Is it being able to write? Is it being able to do everything I SHOULD do without angst or fear? So I'm afraid. So the world feels unsafe and frightening. So I don't know when the next ball is going to drop and I'm just waiting for the car to crash in front me. It almost feels as though it might be easier. This sounds horrible but it's the truth. The truth is there is a heaviness and a darkness that's following me around for weeks. I've ignored it in the usual way, dramatic tv shows, music, school work, work work, and even masturbating (which mind you is a whole nother topic). It seems easier to run than face how I feel. And how I feel is simply put: Lost and Alone. I feel the small child inside me begging for someone to explain the world to her. To explain just why it's so hard. Why day after day she doesn't get to play.... And why is that. Why is it that day after day I forget to play? What would it mean to play? What would it mean to be free? Sometimes I think moving to Portland would solve all this, or losing weight or a million other things would heal the aching in my heart. But truth be told none of that will really change how I feel inside.

Where is the depth... how do I find the depth the map feels just out of reach. Everything just out of reach. I'm left standing on the edge of the cliff trying to decide whether I jump or I finally learn to fly. I want to learn to fly like the eagles soaring over lakes, rivers, and canyons. Explore the depths of the earth and feeling the wind in my wings. Metaphorically I can't imagine what this means. I feel like I need a leap of faith. I need to trust that I'm doing everything that I need to do in this moment. But it does not feel that easy. It feels like I'm treading water. Just when I thought things were better I feel the darkness closing in. I can feel myself wanting to give in telling the darkness "okay you win because I'm tired". I don't want to be tired, I am want to be strong, brave, capable, willing, I want it all. And in truth I don't want the darkness. I fear if I continue to rebel against it. I will not find my way through. What if I accepted the darkness and surrounded into what it needs to teach me. That does seem to be a right answer.

Brokenness

The mind is like a tidal wave of thoughts. I feel myself permeating on the service today. My new community, my new life. And ideas of love and brokenness intertwined... My reverend asked me to help with the service today and in that moment there was a feeling of acceptance. Yes I'll help. My job mind you was to dump angel cards on the floor. An odd job perhaps but the theme for today was "When you Spill Soup"... I spilled the soup. There are so many moments when I feel broken, when I feel not enough, and yet when I'm in service to a greater cause. I do feel enough I feel a grasp of what it means to have connection to the divine mother. It startles me. Today I was amazed at how much and how little I know. How deeply connected I am without recognizing it? It makes me wonder what would I create if I were to write? Would I find words that would affect someone forever? Would I change my own thoughts in the experience? I keep hitting block after block in this endeavor. I wish I could express myself, I wish I could translate the wisdom I sense in my head onto paper. Create a whole new world. To explore words like Love, Brokeness, Death, Life, Wonder, Wisdom, Transformation. What do these words truly mean? Does each person's definition vary due to their individual experiences? What does it mean to be whole...

Because somedays I have the stirring that I am still broken. Looking down at the order of service in church this morning and seeing "Grief and Loss Support Group". I felt the urge, the desire to connect with those who have experienced the loss of a loved one. There is a deep desire to be understood. A very primal desire to tell my story. But what is my story and why do I continue to want to tell it? I think when you lose someone suddenly and your family is ripped apart from the tradegy in many ways it changes you. It lies heavily on my heart. And though most days I like to pretend it isn't affecting me moments like today remind me how much I miss my father.

My mother told me a story this week. She was taking out the garbage and saw a wolf standing not far off from the garage. Please understand that wolves have been extinct in Colorado for a number of years. She slowly backed away while maintaining eye contact with the wolf. He did the same without moving. When my mother had entered into garage he slowly walked across the street. The most startling part of this experience was not the wolf but my mother's admission that it might have been my father. I believe wholeheartedly that when someone leaves before their time or before the living are ready for them to leave they stay. They watch, they become guardian angels. It startled me. I still feel fearful someone will take away my belief in my father or tell me that what I believe is wrong. When all I want is to say goodbye. All I want is to have one last moment. And perhaps that's why I want to tell my story over and over again. Maybe I am heart broken, maybe I'm broken. But how could I not being surrounded by people with families and parents that get to see all the wonderful moments. But what I really want to know is what would happen if you reached out to someone in their grief with your heart. That's all anyone really needs....

To have a heart to heart connection. Many people seem too afraid to be vulnerable with each other and say things instead like "there is meaning in everything" "time heals all wounds" and none of it helps. All I really want is people in my life that can see the depth I hold inside and witness me for who I am, who I was, and who I am becoming.