The Hole

Falling down the hole again
There seems to be an ocean down there.
Conversation is useless.
Fighting though is pointless
But I continue.
Anger begins to seep out
Of all that I so careful sew.
What is left?
How do you love
When you are simply blinded.
Where is the light...
It is sewn so tightly
that it's not visible to my eyes.
It becomes faint in the fabric.
And I become desperate for an answer.
Yet none will heal my heart.

Its All About Me

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust.
Its all about me.
Yet the whole world believes its all about them.
Grief.
Its mine alone.
Stop pretending
that you understand.
Stop pretending that it's about my mother
Or my brother.
Stop being prey
To societies beliefs.
My angst
My lonliness
My darkness
My joy
Is only mine.
Are you so uncomfortable
That you must make it about someone else?
Because it's all about me.
My choices are not yours.
What will you choose to do now?
Do you hear what I am saying?
Its all about me.
He is my father.
My unique knowing
Allows all the colors on the leaves to change.
And yet I will not change the world.
Not right now.
I will only be me.
I will only call out to my father.
I will only cry when I need to.
I will only scream when I need to.
I will laugh when I need to.
There is no should.
There is no have to.
The outside does not dictate
My joys
My darkness.
It's all about me.
I decide how I will grieve.
You may stand there
Not understand the change in my heart.
I don't ask for understanding.
I ask that you watch without words.
You watch me journey deeper.
I ask you to make it all about me just this once.
Honor my father by watching, waiting, witnessing.
Honor me in the same.
It is all about me.

Regaining Ground

Spiritual Container

You are outside of the cognitive realm.

A color undescribable.

A tool that requires no more than a listening ear.

A gentle touch of the shoulder.

A brush of the cheek 

A wonder at the sky.

A peaceful guidance and safety.

I wonder if you are the answer. 

For I do not trust you anymore. 

The day my dad died I lost trust in your protection. 

Yet I see clearly now you will bring the color back.

My life will be easier.

I pray to you now

In all the pain

In all the sorrow

And in all the joy. 

Help is needed

Near and Far. 

Will you join me again?

Strengthening around Brokenness

I wish I take from you the hurt

The pain that YES I feel it too. 

And yet I have no idea how you are inside. 

I wish I could show you how beautiful you are.

You are a prime example of strength and courage!

Yet it's too much for you.

And then it's too much for me.

All I wish for is truth.

And yet I also wish for my mother. 

My father is gone.

And a part of my mother left with him.

Sadness ripples in waves that I do not understand.

How does a family return after a death?

How is it possible to find joy again?

The strength I see in my mother is there.

Yet anger fills the room

like a wave of fire. 

My family has fallen.

I have fallen with them.

Life is not linear

Life is not black and white.

Life has become a painting I cannot comprehend.

Yet underneath all of it my family

gives me hope.

My father was my hope.

Now hope is my lifeline.