Victimhood

There are the moment when you truly feel alone, out of place. You realize you don't quite fit in anywhere. It may not be true, but the feeling nonetheless is very real. I've felt this all week. With a friend who has not responded to renewed conversation. Perhaps because I shared me hurt it pushed her away. It is hard for me to not feel as though some of the circumstances of my life are indeed my fault. A cause of not being funny enough, not being outgoing enough, not being lovable. Yes these are my thoughts though I know them to be victimizing thoughts. They are true statements for a lot of us. A lot of us do feel unlovable in the mist of the crowd or alone. For me that is the struggle how do I believe in love, in friendship, when it feels as though people do not want to engage in the idea. I have fleeting moments of this. Of feelings as though I've found it and then one relationship from my past can through it all out of kilter. Its amazing really if you sit and think about it. The healing needs to deepening. I need to believe in myself to the core. And the truth is I don't. I fear more than anything that I am inadequate. That may weird ways will never be loved enough to be dear friends. That I will be left leaning on my work for a sense of worth in the world. Even though I know deep down this is not the answer. I also know the communities of the past are not the answer either. I am in limbo. I have found some true authentic experience of friendship. I have found some true love in my life. I have had healed. And I find myself spun back around to victim. Victim to my own emotions as the tumble through my like a tornado. Trying to grab hold only seems to make it worse. I need space, I need to breathe, I need to bathe in the sun without anything else to do. I want to spread my arms wide and scream. Let all my anger seep out of me and feed the earth. I want to be free.

Ghosts from the Past

I'm finding myself worried about the past, holding onto the energy even though I know it is bound time to let it go. But I think back to the friendships I use to have and I miss them. I miss the people I had them with and when someone tells me that they care about me and want what's best for me. If you are so proud of me why did you leave. The neglect and abandonment of my childhood hits me like a wave of anger that I cannot quite step past. It's not just the childhood, it's the connection to my father's death. The people who flew to be by my side during the tragedy are no longer by my side. The sadness of that fact is deeply heartbreaking to me. I miss my father more than anything in the world. I wish I could hear his voice just one more time and the people from my past from this community remind deeply of his death. Of the moments I felt so alone I could not breathe, I felt neglected while being surrounded by people. Its not like they didn't try, they did but I could not feel their presence. They did not understand the emptiness that lay in my heart night after night. The hope beyond hope that maybe it was all a bad dream. I go back to this every now and again. I find the whispers of the past bring back to this place of deep heart and deep longing. I long to have friends that can hear my heart. I have found in letting go a small tribe of these people. I've never wanted sympathy, I've never wanted why aren't you over it, it's too much for me to handle so I disappear. I wanted true authentic friendship and in the grief I know I asked for a lot. I may have been borderline begging for someone anyone to finally see through the fog, the walls, the damns I'd built to protect myself. I'm through most of what I consider the worst of the hurricane. I guess I felt in some ways they gave up on me. But it goes beyond the grief for me, I feel myself wanting friendships where people are engaged and what to actually have fun with me. I don't want to process, I certainly don't want to talk about my dad. I want to laugh. I want to be wanted. These people made me feel like I was not worth loving, that I was not cool enough because they did not ask me to do things. It really hurt when they left. Everyone has their flow with relationships I've discovered. Mostly for me I've realized that my grief over time showed me who were my true friends. And who were too wrapped up in their lives to connect on the level I craved. And now the beauty of all the pain is the opening to a whole new way of being. I want to be a new me, I want to be wild, brilliant, and change the world. I don't want to hold back. I want to explode outward in all the rainbow colors that only a few have had the pleasure of witnessing. Do not judge me by my cover... I am much more than I seem. If you have known me for years, you might be missing out on how awesome I really am. Do not judge me by my past, I am no longer my past.

Moving drama

Most days I'm not sure how to get back to myself. Everyone seems so overwhelmed with their own life that I find myself lost in my thoughts. My thoughts of moving mainly... I worry that living in someone else's space will continue to make me feel that there is not enough space for me. That I don't have room to grow. I'm afraid I'll feel claustrophobic like I do now living with my actual family. And then again maybe I won't. It would be nice to live in a big house. It would be nice to have the sense of family, and maybe it would be different if it wasn't my family. Maybe I could learn to live simply. Open myself to the idea that I don't need so much space. There is plenty of common space. And yet I feel myself greatly resisting the idea. Finding myself running against a large pole of resistance. Why... because I think I want to prove I am independent. Instead of flowing in community I want to hide under a rock. Instead gellin' with people I get grumpy and isolate myself. Can I truly open myself up to this experience. I'm unsure and unclear.

Grief on the back burner

Some days the grief sneaks up on me like an old friend. I pull out my father's pictures to remember him, to remember his voice, to remember what it was like to have a father. There are many days where it has become normal. I talked to him but most days I'm unable to allow myself the space to truly speak to him. Most days I am unable to truly speak my truth. I find myself overwhelmed by the business of life. The sure amount that goes into a day both literally and energetically is phenomenal. It in some ways overwhelms me, how can it not overwhelm us. Then in the silence I find my voice dormant but strong. I find the magic and I find him in the darkness. I remember just how close we were how deeply connected we were. And yet how deeply disconnected we were all in the same breath. I remember the anger of the incessant fighting between my parents, the tears I shed. The swearing when something didn't go right for my father, the neglect, the where are yous, the tears. And yet I do also remember the laughter, the games, the hikes, everything he taught me about nature and politics. And I miss it more than I can adequately place into words. Its in these moments I crave my own space to blast my hippie dippy music, to cry if I need to. To not have to worry that someone may find me out... that I am not done. I may not be done grieving for many more years to come. The realization is daunting that it goes on and on. It's in a the silence I seem to find my voice again. It comes on slowly, but I remember it. It's not a literal voice however I just find myself slowly remembering how to feel my heart. It feels as though work has gotten in the way of truly feeling my heart. It's like I'm avoiding the feeling of emptiness and lonliness, but what I am really avoiding is the connection to self. To remembering how deeply I miss my father, how deeply I want to remember how it use to be, and yet how I never want it to be that way again. I will always choose a community of trees over a community of buildings. Yes I am connected to the wider community I am not alone. But when I fail to write, when I fail to remember that I am still grieving life becomes difficult.

Workaholic

I find myself reminded how important it is to write and be present. How important it is not to be like my father? There are so many ways I want to be like him. But being a workaholic is not one of them. And yet I find myself feeling guilty if I say no. As if I am denying the universe what I've asked for. If it will backlash me in some way. I'm beginning to realize the fallacy in this thought process. It's a big piece. How do I have fun and make money? How do I find the balance in the dance of life. It feels as if I am sweating every ounce of my energies out into the world. I'm losing my soul the constant drum of the beat of commitments. It felt so unbelievable real to experience fire ceremony, to be reminded that who I am at my very core is a shaman/wiccan priestess. That is who I am and when I get bogged down by other commitments I lose the connection. I need to remember that I do not need to take every commitment that comes into my life. I do not need to work myself into the ground. I'm loosing chances to connect with those who I hold dear. I want dearly to connect with friends before I leave and start my new life. Romanticizing the thought of Portland is sticky. It causes a false sense of security. What if I let go and accepted that though my father was a workaholic that I do not need to follow in his footsteps. The next phase of the grief, breaking negative beliefs that my father passed onto me.

Sneaky Grief

I'm finding as of late a deep lack of motivation and I'm beginning to wonder about grief. If I a really missing my father and the truth is I believe I am. I just got into med school and my father is no where in site. I feel like I'm treading through quicksand while waging a war against myself. It strikes me that it's two weeks before thanksgiving. I have made no plans and have no desire to engage with the holiday. That perhaps I am a little depressed and perhaps I am still grieving. I look at my eating patterns. My desire, deep desire to be seen. And all the struggles with motivation. Thanksgiving is around the corner and christmas not far in the future. I am left struggling to find ways to breathe in the chaos. I forget just how much my father's death impacts almost all aspects of my life. The last time I saw him was Thanksgiving 2010. And how do you experience such a loss and be okay. How do have your dreams come true and not have him by your side? He was my rock, he was the person I called about everything logistical, And now I am moving to portland, I am struggling through O chem, I am a rock star at work, and all I want is for my father to listen to one more story. To tell me how to navigate the move. Or the reality that he would help me move... I know it's a little codependent, but I just miss that kind of dependability. I miss having a father to turn to. My mother just is not the same. There is so much judgment. I am left wondering how to relieve this feeling inside my heat. The deep sadness and fear of failing a man who is no longer alive. I want to make him proud, I want him to see how amazing his daughter is. And I only feel this way because he's gone. I need to hear him but I am so busy that I cannot hear him clearly. I am so busy I cannot find time to honor the fact that the biggest transition of my life is upon me and my father is not here to share it with. And at the end of the day I am sad. I am deeply sad and angry. Its all there. Its always there just sometimes I forget.

What moves you

I am amazed at how much a culture needs to escape. I am stunned as I observe my family as they prepare food instead of connecting they listen to the radio or watch tv. Its become habit instead of choice. I wonder what it would be like to embrace the silence once in a while. To embrace the breathing of their dog, the breath of fresh air, the song of the birds... I wonder how our whole world would change if we could express ourselves in this deep connection to the earth. I know that I don't want the TV on anymore. It no longer serves me, it no longer works. What works is finding ways to deeply connect with self and others. I do not want to live a life where we speaking of the latest craze in the TV series. Instead I want to know what moves you, what makes the fire in your belly burn, what turns your face blazing red hot with fear, what stirs in your dreams, what you do if no one was watching. I want to know the depths of your soul, the height of your being. I want to hear you scream, hear you cry, and most of all hear you laugh. I want the silence to guide us home. Because without dreaming who are we. Without change who are. We would have joined the mass of sleepwalkers, partial sleepwalkers, apathetic race. Instead join the leagues fighting for true humanitarian justice in the world, do not turn a blind eye. The world needs us all to be hero's today.

A little lost but no fear

Some days I sit wondering my next steps as I struggle deeply with my soul. I wonder where, when will I stop taking on the problems around me. I want to be strong and wise and stand so strongly no one questions my faith, my abilities, there is no drama. But that is not my life. I'm still reeling from a work experience last week where I felt emotionally dumped upon. When I sit with why I'm still obsessing about the event and previous events with this coworker it comes down to myself worth. My deep fear that I am not good enough, I am not strong enough, I am not smart enough to really impact the world. Its a feeling some days I cannot shake. I can feel my calling and yet there are so many pieces missing for me. First is the love of myself, second is compassion for myself. I don't believe in myself enough. When people are mad at me I try remedy it with reason and apologizes. And there comes a point where I feel as though I have laid my heart out to be walked over. I do not want to be walked over. I want to be loved and its been so hard to get anyone to love me. I feel as though this is changing but I still feel so alone in the world. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I want to expand and fill the world with my heart. But right now I feel hurt, run down and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and stay there. It is so difficult in moments to find my way through the fog of my emotions. I want to hear my wisdom, I want to hear my heart, I want to hear my soul. I want to stop being distracted by drama TV shows that depict epic love that is realistic. I want to be soul giver, I want to be able to communicate with spirits, I want to guide people to heal. And where I sit right now in this moment I'm struggling getting to that place. I want to make my own drum but I'm scared to spend the money. I'm afraid I won't have enough later on. I want so desperately a life that is so different from my family. Have wonder how we can literally recreate life? I need someone to help me with my pain. I need someone to help me see how brilliant I am. I know I can learn from this journey but right now I feel stuck. I feel as though all I want to do since I was yelled at is scream. I just want to scream. BUt I don't, I hold it all in. Because that's professional. That's what we need to do, I must keep going. But truth be told I want to fly, I want to spread my spirit wings and experience the joy of spring. I want to experience the joys of life. And right now I'm struggling, I know I am. But maybe there is an answer in the darkness somewhere.

Friends Lost

Today I am sitting with the need or desire to send a letter or email to an old friend. I'm not even sure she can be called a friend. She hasn't called in Months. And the last time I received a call from her was about a living situation she was thinking about. I did not have a good experience with the person she is choosing to live with. But that's not my problem either. My problem is that she called me a sister and then left. Stopped calling, I feel abandoned. I feel as though people say they love you, say they care for you, but it feels false it feels as though its all a lie. And I'm trying to find a way not to believe this thought process, but its difficult. I want to know where I went wrong, where our friendship went south. Why she won't call and I don't want to process but I want to go have fun, enjoy an experience together. I wonder if it's because of who she lives with, I wonder if it's because I let go of one of our mutual friends. I wonder what I did to deserve this, and that's the nutshell isn't it. That's the part where I make it about me. But I hurt, and I'm angry. I'm angry that in this "healing" community I feel more abandoned by people than in any other community. I feel thrown aside as if my feelings do not matter. I can't decide if it would be to my benefit to write a letter or to surrender and let it go. To accept that I have lost my friendships with SR and its no one person's fault. And in truth I'm expanded into a bigger and better place for myself. I don't feel held back by preconceived notion of who I am. Because in truth when my father died I became a person that these people no longer knew. I wish it didn't have to be like this, I truly wish I could repair the relationship in someway. I simple feel hurt. And I wish that people could look beyond themselves and see what their actions cause. I wish people could understand the impact of my father's death. I wish people could see me. Could see the beautiful heart that I hold. Could see all the beauty that lies in my soul and that I am worth being friends with. I'm worth it all.

Birthday Time

I sit wondering what is my Truth, what is My path. Where am I going because nights like these I feel alone. I feel as though I'm wondering through a forest with no sisters, no friends, just purely alone. And maybe that's okay. I can't quite decided. A part of me wants to play into the pattern that has been occurring for years. I call and complain how no one ever calls. And they apologize and tell me they will try harder. But now that I have stopped calling I've found my phone is silent, my heart is empty. This is how it felt my father left, pure emptiness. Unbelievable aloneness. Being constantly misunderstood and judged for my actions. Its all real, it's all part of my story, my path. I've stepped away from the organization that quite frankly saved my life. And the grief with that is real, the grief for my father is real. My heart aches to be loved, and not just be others by myself. The person who runs and runs. Eats and eats to avoid loving myself. Compassion is lacking in so many ways it strikes me. My mother telling my grandmother is kidney failure. The lack of compassion is palpable, I can feel it so strongly I taste it. I'm angry and bitter that everyone else gets to have their parents into their 80s and 90s, even the 70s. I feel like a horrible person, but I miss my father. I miss the young man he was and it hurts so badly that everyone else. But I just don't have any compassion or care that one grandmother is dying and the other was hospitalized last night. It's like I'm begging for someone anyone else to feel my pain. But they won't it's different. I feel scarred, I feel as though my scar is eating through me like a dis-ease or like a raging wildfire. I can feel myself wishing there was someone near, and I feel a sense that no one could understand. I play with the idea of telling my Aunt how I feel but yet I feel as though she would not understand. She was never close to her parents or my father really... I just wish he was here. I wish so badly I could speak to him that I could call on his spirit... and maybe it's not just because I want to wish him a happy birthday... but because I miss him. My heart hurts so badly in this moment as the storm hits. The firenado. And all I want is to find a way to have compassion for where I sit, to accept where I'm at but it feels nearly impossible. Wishing there was a cave I could wait out the storm. I just want someone to understand how badly this hurts. How hard I'm trying and that they trying in truth is hurting me...It's time to surrender.

I can feel it build like a volocano exploding. It takes me hours to figure out what I need, where it is stemming from. Like a virus taking over my body. But then I remember, I remember the earth. And I turn to her for healing. I turn to her for truth. Truth I feel abandoned. I feel like everyone has left. I feel as though when I choose to step away from SR people stepped away from me. And that hurts. It feels unfair as if there is something wrong with me. As if I'm just not good enough. But maybe it's not my story, maybe I can rewrite my herstory. Maybe there is a way to transform all of it. To turn into the people that are willing to be there, the people that are willing to believe. What would happen then? I don't know. But I can say it is difficult to have only one parent and she doesn't believe, she worries. I know she worries about the money it costs I have a feeling she worries I'm not smart enough. And I feel hurt. I feel unheard. And most of all right now I feel deeply alone and disconnected. I feel overwhelmed and I"m not sure how to remedy and find space to breathe. I'm trying so hard to make it I'm afraid I may be missing the point. I may be missing the journey. Life isn't about shoving it all down so we don't feel but it's about the sorrows and the joys, but I feel so disconnected from life. And I simply want to crawl into a hole and stay there. Somedays I wonder who would really care, who would really notice. And I'm left pondering the short list. Do I need a long list or do I simply need someone to hear my story, to hear how difficult the journey has been, to hear that I am still sad, that I am still not okay. Maybe I just need to tell it over and over again. Maybe I need to write it and draw and dance it out. Maybe I need to do all of that. And maybe I need to call and share. Maybe I just need to cry.

Maybe I need to try something different. Maybe maybe is a new motto.

Transformation

They say change is hard. Is transformation harder? A butterfly turns to mush. Is that we do when we transform? What does it truly mean to transform? Does it mean to fully change like a butterfly or slowly change like Darwin's theory of evolution... I wonder where I sit and where I stand. Where I stand in power and where I stand in fear. The word transformation for me means an all encompassing word for all words. It requires patience, courage, bravery, risks, safety, compassion, love, and the words go on. I was reading through some old poems I wrote just 6 months after my father's death and seeing the change.

To Begin Again (5/31/2011)

Each night I live alone

The darkness fills the room

Like an old friend. 

It consumes me. 

I am left to fight it without you.

Since you've left I've forgotten how to live. 

As if I slipped into a void when you died. 

I died too. 

I am no longer living.

The pain has taken over.

I sit in the middle of night

crying your name. 

Wishing for only my father. 

You do not answer. 

The screams echo in the darkness.

Nothing comforts. 

Nothing heals. 

Life is too much. 

Yet somewhere I hear a faint whisper. 

Of hope.

Of faith. 

Of remembrance. 

Your legacy will not die with me. 

If only I could find a way to live again. 

To begin again. 

I am no longer feeling as though I am the walking dead. How does it change by choosing to engage with life a little bit at a time. And quite frankly committing to live my dreams. Learning to have discretion in sharing my heart carefully. I have learned to create my own rituals. The faint whisper is no longer a whisper. Its a soft quiet voice cheering my own. Reminding my that the even the smallest feats lead to transforming my life. Take climbing a mountain, you don't jump to the top, you take it a step at a time. Creating change in small increments and then seeing the big things happen. 

I want to begin again. I am calling in grief. I am calling in the release of what is NOT serving me. I am calling in a new way of living. I am calling in that I am indeed a healer and I want to embody that spirit. I want to heal. I want to learn to change the relationship with my father, i want to learn to communicate with him more clearly. I want to learn to hear him. I want to learn to hear the divine more clearly. I took a walk today and walked barefoot in the park feeling the grass beneath my feet. It is what I need a strong connection to Mother Earth. I want to learn to deepening. I want to redefine transformation. After so much healing work it feels tainted. The butterfly image for me feels tainted. I want to burn my anger, resentment, hurt, abandonment, loss, grief like a phoenix and rise from the ashes. I want to glow red and let me light shine. I want to break open the boxes around my heart. Though I want to do all of this in a gentle compassionate way. But transformation is the dark night of the soul. It is changing beliefs, behaviors, ways of being, stopping generational patterns. It is all of these things and it is not easy. But it is the soul path, and I do not want to be on any other path. This is my path to rebirth, this is my path to service, this is my path to a gloriously, brilliant, wonderful happy loving life.

Grief

Death brings unwanted feelings into my heart. I close it off in the hope of protecting myself from the darkness but it only seems to get darker. I look up at the stars and the moon and I see hope. I see my father bright as his life. And I wonder how I could let all the voices into my heart. I thought I was closing out the voices but I closed them. They are making decisions and choices I want no part of. The voices of get over it, time will heal all wounds, here let me fix it, the people who run away. And all I feel is alone.

Being truly heard today was healing, it's what I needed all along. Why is it so hard to get... well what I've come to understand is 1. my story gets in the way 2. people are doing the best they can 3. sometimes you have to choose to be vulnerable. The problem is I don't trust people to be there for me. I fear no one wants to hear about my struggles with my father's death. They don't want to hear how it shattered almost every will I had in my body. It shattered my belief in people, my belief in God. It shattered almost everything inside me. I lost any sense of who I was. Who can you ask for what you need if you don't even know who you are? How can you stand up for yourself when you're barely present... that's where I was at. I was in such a state of shock that I need someone to reach out a hand. I needed someone to say it's okay and hold me. But I fought, I pushed people away the instant they tried to relate. Why do we do this? I'm sure I'm not alone. We do this because our grief is unique and our love is our own. To have someone relate a loss that feels less than a tragic death feels like a punch to the gut. You don't want to be related to, fixed, or told it will get better you want to be held. I wanted to be held, I wanted someone to reach out their hand and say I see how deeply you are suffering. And now and now how do I step forward. The only way I know at this point is to talk to the moon, talk to the stars, do art, listening to music and remember that somewhere in all of that is me. Somwhere in all this grief is me. I so desperately want a place to share this.

"Grief is our natural way of coping with a loss. If grieving does not take place, we can remain tied to the past, unable to reinvest our energy or move forward."- Elizabeth Hospice

I am stuck and just want a place to share... It may be time to investigate other ways to connect with people who have experienced loss.

Lost for Words

I went to a music healing circle for grief tonight. It was powerful. We did a visualization and I've begun to realize how complicated my particular grief is. I feel the urge to share all of it all at once. Do you see how hard it is? It's like a need to scream so maybe someone would understand how deeply painful my experience has been, how deeply I need to be heard, witnessed, and honored in my grief. How much I want to be understood. How much I want people to reach out because the truth, the truth is I'm not okay. I want to feel okay everyday. And everyday it gets better. Tonight we did a visualization. As usual my father appeared as my guide reminding me of my strength and courage. That I have the strength to return to me. To find myself again. I'm learning how I am. I am artist, a healer, a pagan, a Unitarian Universalist, a woman, a sister, a daughter, a caretaker, a listener, a friend. And I am lonely, I am angry, I am sad. I am deeply sad and I can barely admit it myself. I've shoved it so far away and I've built huge walls around my heart. I do not know how to break them down without him. He was the rock of my existence. My father, my guardian, my guide, a confident... and now I feel so alone in the world. I see how scared people are of death especially young people. I get labeled needy, codependent, too much, heavy... I don't need to be labeled I need to be held, witnessed, seen in compassion. And now the anger seizes through me like venom... and I know there is grief sitting at the edge of this sword. The sword of truth that indeed I am still hurting. I am still living in a hurt body, overweight and willing myself to change the circumstances. I no longer want to be a victim to the events of 2010. I want to find a way to live again. But it is so hard some days. I feel like death has grown in my heart, it's sown it's cords around my heart. I'm desperately trying to find the light again, but without people to lean on, without people to witness the tears and anguish it feels so difficult. Instead I find myself drawn to imagery and art. The unspeakable occurred to me and I am left without words. Its time to find the words. Through music, through art. It's time to claim them both in body and in spirit. It's time to surrender and move into the a new community. A letting go a shedding is occurring.

As I claim who I am now and mix in who I was when my father walked this earth. I am all these things and more. I am his daughter, I am strong, I am tiger, I am beautiful, I am powerful and graceful. I am an emotional being that deserves to be heard and seen.  I deserve all life has to offer. And in order to have all of this I must feel. I must feel the grief that is laid into my heart. I must honor death and life as one. They intertwine as one. Most people try to seperate the two but truth be told as one child is born the elder dies. It's life's cycle it is sad. But what saddens and angers me more is the fear and inability to have time to honor the dead. We have time to honor the children born to new life but what about the time to honor the grief that comes to those left behind. I think about the disappearing flight and my heart feels angst. To not be able to say goodbye... is one of the worst experiences. The comments and insensitivity is appalling. I hope to create one day a place for people to feel safe to grieve, to share their experiences of their loved ones until they are tired of telling it, I hope one day to express the pain in my heart that's been so lost for words.

The Message in the Dark

Somedays I'm struck by the amount of anger that runs through my system. Reading facebook and the posts going back and forth between people I might say use to by my friends my sisters. Maybe I'm too rigid in my idea of that, but I have never been good with people who don't call, text, email, have no form of communication and those that do claim they want to connect with me only use their words. There are no other desire to connect. I sent a text to a friend about an event I was working I knew her son would love. There was no text back "sorry we couldn't make it", "you should come over afterwards". Nothing. I'm tired of nothing. That's all it's been since my father died. Nothingness. No verbal response, no phone calls, no how are yous, no invites, just nothing. If I make the effort I might get a response. But I am tired. It feels severely codependent. Why is it in our world we get so wrapped up in our own lives that we cannot reach out and talk with someone else? Why is it I am willing to travel across worlds to help someone but I cannot seem to get that back? No one is willing to travel across worlds to help me. I sit lost in thoughts of anger, bitterness, and an almost unwillingness to let it go. Life has seemingly fallen apart since my father died. I'm very close to writing off an entire group of friends. Some days I'm okay. I surrender into the place that if they decide to pick up the phone one day that would be wonderful. I have friends that do that on occasion but they live in other states. Maybe I should consider myself lucky to have one person in my corner that will probably never leave. I'm grateful for that. And I'm lonely. I miss the relationships I use to have before my father died. What I don't understand is why did it need to change?

For me it did change. I've heard people reflect that I'm wrong. But here's the deal I don't do distant friendship well or really at all. When people say that we are here for you. That's what I expect, when it doesn't happen my disappointment is hugely palpable. And the bottom line is that I am not asking for much. A text or phone call here and there. Is it so hard? Is it so hard for us to step outside of our lives to connect with someone else's heart? It deeply saddens me how things have occurred. It comes down to the fact that people are afraid of death, even people who have done personal healing work. I had people not call because they didn't know what to say, that's not excuse people. I had people try fix everything. If I shared that I wanted to pick up running she would offer to go with me. This is fixing, though you might see at being supportive, it is not witnessing. Then there were the people who called and never called again. No one came by my apartment. No one brought food. No one called to ask how I was. The community I thought would be there for me wasn't. And days like today I do not know what to do with it. I have literally in the last few days expressed my desire to have no real contract with the organization of SR. And really that's how I feel and yet reading facebook this morning it struck me that I am in the minority. And reading how someone missed another one of my friends, I deeply desire that message. But in truth I know that I will not recieve it.

Some days I worry I have left the community in anger. But in some ways I feel as though a level of damage has occurred that cannot be repaired. All I want is to be able to share my heart with your heart. That's all I've ever wanted. I feel too hurt to do that now. I feel a pull to engage in the things I know feed my soul: church, pagan events, priestess training, drumming, and red tents. And hope that I can build new lasting relationships. But its so hard some days and I feel so angry. And I feel like I have every right to be angry. And yet I also feel like by taking this anger everywhere I go I am only building resentment and bitterness inside my soul. I don't want that. I want release. I want a new life where life is enjoyable and happy. And maybe I need to let go of these relationships but I also know I have to let go of the anger or I won't attract new people into my life.

So I guess the bottom line is. My message to the world is see the person in front of you. Take five minutes to step out of your own crisis and you may find the deep heart connection you needed and the other person needs. Don't be selfish, but also be selfish. Share what you need, hear what the other person needs. Do not run from death or birth for that matter. Both are the one in the same. Some people grieve alone others need a community, listen to what your sister/friend needs. Reach out even when its hard, even when it doesn't feel enough. Reach out Reach out. Because if you don't you may find an empty space in your life. Don't hold onto bitterness but also don't overextend yourself to save a relationship. Speak your truth often. Tell your story as often as you need to. Do not lean on anything too heavily or you may find it will break. Lean on yourself, learn who you are, learn who you want in your life. If you can do that happiness will find its way through the darkness. Gold will fill the places of brokenness. And one day you may find yourself laughing, surrendering, and finally understanding the darkness. For now like me breathe into the darkness and trust in the light.

Darkness

I keep getting stuck in this anger. It's like a black fog of unidentifiable anger, fear, something I just can't pinpoint. Its like I'm afraid to big, to be bold, to be me. If I'm me, whatever that means, it will mean I will have to feel. I like to paint this picture of the perfect world, the perfect healing pieces. But nothing is healed. I'm still angry that my father left. I'm still angry that I feel lonely. I'm still angry that my uncle took advantage of me and let's be real abused me. I'm angry my parents fought. I'm angry with myself that I continue to try to create this picture perfect life. In the picture I can handle everything with ease, breathe, and grace. And well who can really do that all of the time. I'm surrounded by love but i can't feel it because I'm drowning in my own sorrow. Though most days I do a double take at this reality maybe it's not true. "I feel okay right now"... But what is okay. Is it having two legs and two arms? Is it having all the answers? Is it being able to write? Is it being able to do everything I SHOULD do without angst or fear? So I'm afraid. So the world feels unsafe and frightening. So I don't know when the next ball is going to drop and I'm just waiting for the car to crash in front me. It almost feels as though it might be easier. This sounds horrible but it's the truth. The truth is there is a heaviness and a darkness that's following me around for weeks. I've ignored it in the usual way, dramatic tv shows, music, school work, work work, and even masturbating (which mind you is a whole nother topic). It seems easier to run than face how I feel. And how I feel is simply put: Lost and Alone. I feel the small child inside me begging for someone to explain the world to her. To explain just why it's so hard. Why day after day she doesn't get to play.... And why is that. Why is it that day after day I forget to play? What would it mean to play? What would it mean to be free? Sometimes I think moving to Portland would solve all this, or losing weight or a million other things would heal the aching in my heart. But truth be told none of that will really change how I feel inside.

Where is the depth... how do I find the depth the map feels just out of reach. Everything just out of reach. I'm left standing on the edge of the cliff trying to decide whether I jump or I finally learn to fly. I want to learn to fly like the eagles soaring over lakes, rivers, and canyons. Explore the depths of the earth and feeling the wind in my wings. Metaphorically I can't imagine what this means. I feel like I need a leap of faith. I need to trust that I'm doing everything that I need to do in this moment. But it does not feel that easy. It feels like I'm treading water. Just when I thought things were better I feel the darkness closing in. I can feel myself wanting to give in telling the darkness "okay you win because I'm tired". I don't want to be tired, I am want to be strong, brave, capable, willing, I want it all. And in truth I don't want the darkness. I fear if I continue to rebel against it. I will not find my way through. What if I accepted the darkness and surrounded into what it needs to teach me. That does seem to be a right answer.

Brokenness

The mind is like a tidal wave of thoughts. I feel myself permeating on the service today. My new community, my new life. And ideas of love and brokenness intertwined... My reverend asked me to help with the service today and in that moment there was a feeling of acceptance. Yes I'll help. My job mind you was to dump angel cards on the floor. An odd job perhaps but the theme for today was "When you Spill Soup"... I spilled the soup. There are so many moments when I feel broken, when I feel not enough, and yet when I'm in service to a greater cause. I do feel enough I feel a grasp of what it means to have connection to the divine mother. It startles me. Today I was amazed at how much and how little I know. How deeply connected I am without recognizing it? It makes me wonder what would I create if I were to write? Would I find words that would affect someone forever? Would I change my own thoughts in the experience? I keep hitting block after block in this endeavor. I wish I could express myself, I wish I could translate the wisdom I sense in my head onto paper. Create a whole new world. To explore words like Love, Brokeness, Death, Life, Wonder, Wisdom, Transformation. What do these words truly mean? Does each person's definition vary due to their individual experiences? What does it mean to be whole...

Because somedays I have the stirring that I am still broken. Looking down at the order of service in church this morning and seeing "Grief and Loss Support Group". I felt the urge, the desire to connect with those who have experienced the loss of a loved one. There is a deep desire to be understood. A very primal desire to tell my story. But what is my story and why do I continue to want to tell it? I think when you lose someone suddenly and your family is ripped apart from the tradegy in many ways it changes you. It lies heavily on my heart. And though most days I like to pretend it isn't affecting me moments like today remind me how much I miss my father.

My mother told me a story this week. She was taking out the garbage and saw a wolf standing not far off from the garage. Please understand that wolves have been extinct in Colorado for a number of years. She slowly backed away while maintaining eye contact with the wolf. He did the same without moving. When my mother had entered into garage he slowly walked across the street. The most startling part of this experience was not the wolf but my mother's admission that it might have been my father. I believe wholeheartedly that when someone leaves before their time or before the living are ready for them to leave they stay. They watch, they become guardian angels. It startled me. I still feel fearful someone will take away my belief in my father or tell me that what I believe is wrong. When all I want is to say goodbye. All I want is to have one last moment. And perhaps that's why I want to tell my story over and over again. Maybe I am heart broken, maybe I'm broken. But how could I not being surrounded by people with families and parents that get to see all the wonderful moments. But what I really want to know is what would happen if you reached out to someone in their grief with your heart. That's all anyone really needs....

To have a heart to heart connection. Many people seem too afraid to be vulnerable with each other and say things instead like "there is meaning in everything" "time heals all wounds" and none of it helps. All I really want is people in my life that can see the depth I hold inside and witness me for who I am, who I was, and who I am becoming.

Christmas

It was the night before Christmas and all in the house was quiet not even a mouse... But some could not sleep. Last night I imagined all the ways that things could be better. All the ways we used to celebrate this holiday and how nothing seems the same without my father. Sleep evades me currently and I am miss him. I miss the laughter he brought to the experience, I don't remember the presents I remember his santa hat, his laughter, the food, the games. The walks, the talks, the soup he made after xmas. And we are all left with an emptiness inside us without him. How do you celebrate a holiday that is centered around presents and connection? When you are the grieving family? There is a missing part. I feel it, I didn't think it would be this hard. I didn't think coming here would be so difficult, in some regards it's peaceful. Its nice to be around family and yet have brought enough things to entertain myself so that I don't become frustrated. I feel different and I am connecting differently. I am different.

I can feel it in the way I am needing for myself to set stronger boundaries. To let people go that don't serve me. To exercise, enjoy the outdoors, to jump for joy, to experience love, to transform myself into a new wave of being. And though I am sad to loose a very long time friendship. I know it's for the best, I know that I need to step away. Its the same with my family I know I need to engage in relationship in a specific way. If I try to dive deep I experience shame and I don't need to. I feel like for the first time life is going in the right direction. A good combination of the intellectual and the artist. I drew my angel on the plane. I can feel the shifts. that for this first time in my life all I need is me. All I need is a little love and I am okay.

Though deeply authentically I miss my father more deeply now. But I am grateful to be with my family. I am grateful to have my family.

Transformation

It's days like today where I wonder when the pain will end. I wonder when I will stop desiring to tell EVERYONE my father is dead. This is his anniversary, I'm falling apart, hold me. Hold me up, that's what I want to scream. But the truth is even more shattering. No one can do that for me. I don't have people in my life that can reach out a hand to hold me up. Perhaps no one has those people. Or those that do are not in healthy relationships. Its been difficult for me. I've seem myself transferring my dependence onto my Reverend and the truth that hits me is I have to stand on my own. I have to transformation to live the life I want. Perhaps I have to learn to love. I chose to pick my angel card tonight ahead of everyone so I could pick on my father's anniversary. There is a part of me that felt as though I asked too much, I'm make my grief too big, I'm being a burdened, a needy wounded child. That is my judgement. I picked TRANSFORMATION. One of the biggest words in the deck in my opinion.

But I sit here tonight wondering what would it be like not tell everyone how sad I am. How much I miss my father even if it's true? I just have such a hard time being superficial. I want to share my heart and my heart opened tonight. After visiting the Crone I had to take a walk to let the grief flow or it would be stuffed to the bottom once again. And I am learning that I must let go of expectations of people. There is a small part of me that so desperately wants to be coddled. To be told it will be okay. I want to find freedom. I want to find surrender and peace. I want to find love for myself. But I see all the ways I regret.

I regret that I hadn't called my father in the days preceding his death. I regret the anger and numbness that followed. How I shoved everyone out of my life. Because the truth comes down anger. I am angry my father left me. I am angry at my mother for not being able to see my brilliance and my pain. I am angry for having another adversity. And instead of rebounding I feel into a deep dark whole. And every solstice I have been reminded of this. But tonight, tonight was different. I was different. I still needed to share about his anniversary, it was important to me to pick the angel card. But I didn't share with everyone. I went outside and I cried. And I cried. And I grieved. I miss my father, there is no denying. There is no denying how deeply my life has been affected since his passing.

But tonight I began to ask myself if he were still here would I be stepping into these new adventures. These things that are truly an embodiment of myself. Would I be choosing to stand on my own. Would I be choosing to step into my role as priestess for the great divine. Would I be believing in the Great Mother. Would I be pursuing Naturopathic School? Would I be saying YES so loud and so much as I am now. I wonder. Tonight is indeed the darkest night of the year both literally and personally. And yet I feel for the first time I am not alone. I am standing stronger and taller. I am choosing myself in a very real way. In a different way.

And I can feel myself exploding not just from the grief, which is ripping at my heart. But the joy is there again too. I felt it in the circle tonight. I could feel my heart expanding accepting all the beautiful people as my brothers and sisters. I felt like I do indeed belong. All I have to do is find a way to volunteer my time. But for now I feel the tears have ended for the dark night of the soul, the darkest night of the year. I've spoken my truth to the crone and more. And I believe for the first time things are going to change, they will indeed TRANSFORM over the next year.

Loss

I sit deeply in this moment of the feeling of loss. The loss of my father's presence in my life. The loss of the community I thought I had. The loss of needing other people. The loss of my identity. It's a mix of grief and strength moving forward. Reading through Teresa's email I realized how much I no longer identify with Shakti. Though I respect all those that still want to be involved. I have seen my truth within this community and it is not how others may perceive it. I walked away because it was a safety codependent net that had to be severed. I had out grew what Shakti was to me, and I could no longer pretend that I belong. I am moving on and yes I will do great things. But depending on any one person, organization, or thing to change you is a grave mistake. That is what Shakti had allowed me to become. Placing ideas of sisterhood in my head, in just wasn't true. I've learned for the first time to step away from this need for people to be there, for people to listen, for people to be my dependency. I have found nature again. I have found myself again. When we lean to heavily on others even in community it can be as if they bound you with ropes. There is no way out but to sever them and move on. Learn how to make decisions on you're own, to engage in life in a true adult way, to accept things as they are. To decide yes I want to spend Christmas with my family. It's been a big process for me to step into my own. To decide that yes I will live MY life and stop trying to live everyone else's. It's a tough road to break that pattern. But I feel at this cross roads where indeed I have. I feel myself. I feel okay in the aloneness, I feel okay. I in fact excited for what life has to offer me.

In all the great changes, there is a deep sadness. As I realize tomorrow is the day I lost my father 3 years ago. It's a combination of numbness, unreality, and deep authentic sadness. But I still ask "Dad where are you?" "Are you happy?" Do you know how sad your family is? Do you know how much your wife has been through in the last year? Do you know how scared I get? Do you know how much I have changed? My entire life feels on a pedestal of change. I am a priestess. I am a Goddess. I am change. I am I am all of these things. And I want to claim it. But dad I am scared. Without your hand at my back, my knees become weak. Without you at my back, my stomach becomes queezy and I wonder where I am. I wonder where do we go now? And how do you really move on? How do I celebrate the return of the light on the darkest night of the year. Your death... the darkest night of the year is your death. It was too soon, and I want to scream. And yet I also have accepted the truth at this point. I have accepted the loss in some regards. But how to live with it. I do now that this year... I have changed. I have turned a corner. I am working towards saying yes to life in every way.

I feel like climbing a mountain top and screaming at the top of my lungs. Would you hear my cry of excitement? I can't help but wonder whether my papa is watching. But it's time to embrace what is. And I am here, there is so much joy mixed with the sorrow. I hope my new community will indeed support me on the darkest day of the year.