I went to a music healing circle for grief tonight. It was powerful. We did a visualization and I've begun to realize how complicated my particular grief is. I feel the urge to share all of it all at once. Do you see how hard it is? It's like a need to scream so maybe someone would understand how deeply painful my experience has been, how deeply I need to be heard, witnessed, and honored in my grief. How much I want to be understood. How much I want people to reach out because the truth, the truth is I'm not okay. I want to feel okay everyday. And everyday it gets better. Tonight we did a visualization. As usual my father appeared as my guide reminding me of my strength and courage. That I have the strength to return to me. To find myself again. I'm learning how I am. I am artist, a healer, a pagan, a Unitarian Universalist, a woman, a sister, a daughter, a caretaker, a listener, a friend. And I am lonely, I am angry, I am sad. I am deeply sad and I can barely admit it myself. I've shoved it so far away and I've built huge walls around my heart. I do not know how to break them down without him. He was the rock of my existence. My father, my guardian, my guide, a confident... and now I feel so alone in the world. I see how scared people are of death especially young people. I get labeled needy, codependent, too much, heavy... I don't need to be labeled I need to be held, witnessed, seen in compassion. And now the anger seizes through me like venom... and I know there is grief sitting at the edge of this sword. The sword of truth that indeed I am still hurting. I am still living in a hurt body, overweight and willing myself to change the circumstances. I no longer want to be a victim to the events of 2010. I want to find a way to live again. But it is so hard some days. I feel like death has grown in my heart, it's sown it's cords around my heart. I'm desperately trying to find the light again, but without people to lean on, without people to witness the tears and anguish it feels so difficult. Instead I find myself drawn to imagery and art. The unspeakable occurred to me and I am left without words. Its time to find the words. Through music, through art. It's time to claim them both in body and in spirit. It's time to surrender and move into the a new community. A letting go a shedding is occurring.
As I claim who I am now and mix in who I was when my father walked this earth. I am all these things and more. I am his daughter, I am strong, I am tiger, I am beautiful, I am powerful and graceful. I am an emotional being that deserves to be heard and seen. I deserve all life has to offer. And in order to have all of this I must feel. I must feel the grief that is laid into my heart. I must honor death and life as one. They intertwine as one. Most people try to seperate the two but truth be told as one child is born the elder dies. It's life's cycle it is sad. But what saddens and angers me more is the fear and inability to have time to honor the dead. We have time to honor the children born to new life but what about the time to honor the grief that comes to those left behind. I think about the disappearing flight and my heart feels angst. To not be able to say goodbye... is one of the worst experiences. The comments and insensitivity is appalling. I hope to create one day a place for people to feel safe to grieve, to share their experiences of their loved ones until they are tired of telling it, I hope one day to express the pain in my heart that's been so lost for words.
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