Transformation

It's days like today where I wonder when the pain will end. I wonder when I will stop desiring to tell EVERYONE my father is dead. This is his anniversary, I'm falling apart, hold me. Hold me up, that's what I want to scream. But the truth is even more shattering. No one can do that for me. I don't have people in my life that can reach out a hand to hold me up. Perhaps no one has those people. Or those that do are not in healthy relationships. Its been difficult for me. I've seem myself transferring my dependence onto my Reverend and the truth that hits me is I have to stand on my own. I have to transformation to live the life I want. Perhaps I have to learn to love. I chose to pick my angel card tonight ahead of everyone so I could pick on my father's anniversary. There is a part of me that felt as though I asked too much, I'm make my grief too big, I'm being a burdened, a needy wounded child. That is my judgement. I picked TRANSFORMATION. One of the biggest words in the deck in my opinion.

But I sit here tonight wondering what would it be like not tell everyone how sad I am. How much I miss my father even if it's true? I just have such a hard time being superficial. I want to share my heart and my heart opened tonight. After visiting the Crone I had to take a walk to let the grief flow or it would be stuffed to the bottom once again. And I am learning that I must let go of expectations of people. There is a small part of me that so desperately wants to be coddled. To be told it will be okay. I want to find freedom. I want to find surrender and peace. I want to find love for myself. But I see all the ways I regret.

I regret that I hadn't called my father in the days preceding his death. I regret the anger and numbness that followed. How I shoved everyone out of my life. Because the truth comes down anger. I am angry my father left me. I am angry at my mother for not being able to see my brilliance and my pain. I am angry for having another adversity. And instead of rebounding I feel into a deep dark whole. And every solstice I have been reminded of this. But tonight, tonight was different. I was different. I still needed to share about his anniversary, it was important to me to pick the angel card. But I didn't share with everyone. I went outside and I cried. And I cried. And I grieved. I miss my father, there is no denying. There is no denying how deeply my life has been affected since his passing.

But tonight I began to ask myself if he were still here would I be stepping into these new adventures. These things that are truly an embodiment of myself. Would I be choosing to stand on my own. Would I be choosing to step into my role as priestess for the great divine. Would I be believing in the Great Mother. Would I be pursuing Naturopathic School? Would I be saying YES so loud and so much as I am now. I wonder. Tonight is indeed the darkest night of the year both literally and personally. And yet I feel for the first time I am not alone. I am standing stronger and taller. I am choosing myself in a very real way. In a different way.

And I can feel myself exploding not just from the grief, which is ripping at my heart. But the joy is there again too. I felt it in the circle tonight. I could feel my heart expanding accepting all the beautiful people as my brothers and sisters. I felt like I do indeed belong. All I have to do is find a way to volunteer my time. But for now I feel the tears have ended for the dark night of the soul, the darkest night of the year. I've spoken my truth to the crone and more. And I believe for the first time things are going to change, they will indeed TRANSFORM over the next year.