Brokenness

The mind is like a tidal wave of thoughts. I feel myself permeating on the service today. My new community, my new life. And ideas of love and brokenness intertwined... My reverend asked me to help with the service today and in that moment there was a feeling of acceptance. Yes I'll help. My job mind you was to dump angel cards on the floor. An odd job perhaps but the theme for today was "When you Spill Soup"... I spilled the soup. There are so many moments when I feel broken, when I feel not enough, and yet when I'm in service to a greater cause. I do feel enough I feel a grasp of what it means to have connection to the divine mother. It startles me. Today I was amazed at how much and how little I know. How deeply connected I am without recognizing it? It makes me wonder what would I create if I were to write? Would I find words that would affect someone forever? Would I change my own thoughts in the experience? I keep hitting block after block in this endeavor. I wish I could express myself, I wish I could translate the wisdom I sense in my head onto paper. Create a whole new world. To explore words like Love, Brokeness, Death, Life, Wonder, Wisdom, Transformation. What do these words truly mean? Does each person's definition vary due to their individual experiences? What does it mean to be whole...

Because somedays I have the stirring that I am still broken. Looking down at the order of service in church this morning and seeing "Grief and Loss Support Group". I felt the urge, the desire to connect with those who have experienced the loss of a loved one. There is a deep desire to be understood. A very primal desire to tell my story. But what is my story and why do I continue to want to tell it? I think when you lose someone suddenly and your family is ripped apart from the tradegy in many ways it changes you. It lies heavily on my heart. And though most days I like to pretend it isn't affecting me moments like today remind me how much I miss my father.

My mother told me a story this week. She was taking out the garbage and saw a wolf standing not far off from the garage. Please understand that wolves have been extinct in Colorado for a number of years. She slowly backed away while maintaining eye contact with the wolf. He did the same without moving. When my mother had entered into garage he slowly walked across the street. The most startling part of this experience was not the wolf but my mother's admission that it might have been my father. I believe wholeheartedly that when someone leaves before their time or before the living are ready for them to leave they stay. They watch, they become guardian angels. It startled me. I still feel fearful someone will take away my belief in my father or tell me that what I believe is wrong. When all I want is to say goodbye. All I want is to have one last moment. And perhaps that's why I want to tell my story over and over again. Maybe I am heart broken, maybe I'm broken. But how could I not being surrounded by people with families and parents that get to see all the wonderful moments. But what I really want to know is what would happen if you reached out to someone in their grief with your heart. That's all anyone really needs....

To have a heart to heart connection. Many people seem too afraid to be vulnerable with each other and say things instead like "there is meaning in everything" "time heals all wounds" and none of it helps. All I really want is people in my life that can see the depth I hold inside and witness me for who I am, who I was, and who I am becoming.