Friends Lost

Today I am sitting with the need or desire to send a letter or email to an old friend. I'm not even sure she can be called a friend. She hasn't called in Months. And the last time I received a call from her was about a living situation she was thinking about. I did not have a good experience with the person she is choosing to live with. But that's not my problem either. My problem is that she called me a sister and then left. Stopped calling, I feel abandoned. I feel as though people say they love you, say they care for you, but it feels false it feels as though its all a lie. And I'm trying to find a way not to believe this thought process, but its difficult. I want to know where I went wrong, where our friendship went south. Why she won't call and I don't want to process but I want to go have fun, enjoy an experience together. I wonder if it's because of who she lives with, I wonder if it's because I let go of one of our mutual friends. I wonder what I did to deserve this, and that's the nutshell isn't it. That's the part where I make it about me. But I hurt, and I'm angry. I'm angry that in this "healing" community I feel more abandoned by people than in any other community. I feel thrown aside as if my feelings do not matter. I can't decide if it would be to my benefit to write a letter or to surrender and let it go. To accept that I have lost my friendships with SR and its no one person's fault. And in truth I'm expanded into a bigger and better place for myself. I don't feel held back by preconceived notion of who I am. Because in truth when my father died I became a person that these people no longer knew. I wish it didn't have to be like this, I truly wish I could repair the relationship in someway. I simple feel hurt. And I wish that people could look beyond themselves and see what their actions cause. I wish people could understand the impact of my father's death. I wish people could see me. Could see the beautiful heart that I hold. Could see all the beauty that lies in my soul and that I am worth being friends with. I'm worth it all.