Grief

Death brings unwanted feelings into my heart. I close it off in the hope of protecting myself from the darkness but it only seems to get darker. I look up at the stars and the moon and I see hope. I see my father bright as his life. And I wonder how I could let all the voices into my heart. I thought I was closing out the voices but I closed them. They are making decisions and choices I want no part of. The voices of get over it, time will heal all wounds, here let me fix it, the people who run away. And all I feel is alone.

Being truly heard today was healing, it's what I needed all along. Why is it so hard to get... well what I've come to understand is 1. my story gets in the way 2. people are doing the best they can 3. sometimes you have to choose to be vulnerable. The problem is I don't trust people to be there for me. I fear no one wants to hear about my struggles with my father's death. They don't want to hear how it shattered almost every will I had in my body. It shattered my belief in people, my belief in God. It shattered almost everything inside me. I lost any sense of who I was. Who can you ask for what you need if you don't even know who you are? How can you stand up for yourself when you're barely present... that's where I was at. I was in such a state of shock that I need someone to reach out a hand. I needed someone to say it's okay and hold me. But I fought, I pushed people away the instant they tried to relate. Why do we do this? I'm sure I'm not alone. We do this because our grief is unique and our love is our own. To have someone relate a loss that feels less than a tragic death feels like a punch to the gut. You don't want to be related to, fixed, or told it will get better you want to be held. I wanted to be held, I wanted someone to reach out their hand and say I see how deeply you are suffering. And now and now how do I step forward. The only way I know at this point is to talk to the moon, talk to the stars, do art, listening to music and remember that somewhere in all of that is me. Somwhere in all this grief is me. I so desperately want a place to share this.

"Grief is our natural way of coping with a loss. If grieving does not take place, we can remain tied to the past, unable to reinvest our energy or move forward."- Elizabeth Hospice

I am stuck and just want a place to share... It may be time to investigate other ways to connect with people who have experienced loss.