Birthday Time

I sit wondering what is my Truth, what is My path. Where am I going because nights like these I feel alone. I feel as though I'm wondering through a forest with no sisters, no friends, just purely alone. And maybe that's okay. I can't quite decided. A part of me wants to play into the pattern that has been occurring for years. I call and complain how no one ever calls. And they apologize and tell me they will try harder. But now that I have stopped calling I've found my phone is silent, my heart is empty. This is how it felt my father left, pure emptiness. Unbelievable aloneness. Being constantly misunderstood and judged for my actions. Its all real, it's all part of my story, my path. I've stepped away from the organization that quite frankly saved my life. And the grief with that is real, the grief for my father is real. My heart aches to be loved, and not just be others by myself. The person who runs and runs. Eats and eats to avoid loving myself. Compassion is lacking in so many ways it strikes me. My mother telling my grandmother is kidney failure. The lack of compassion is palpable, I can feel it so strongly I taste it. I'm angry and bitter that everyone else gets to have their parents into their 80s and 90s, even the 70s. I feel like a horrible person, but I miss my father. I miss the young man he was and it hurts so badly that everyone else. But I just don't have any compassion or care that one grandmother is dying and the other was hospitalized last night. It's like I'm begging for someone anyone else to feel my pain. But they won't it's different. I feel scarred, I feel as though my scar is eating through me like a dis-ease or like a raging wildfire. I can feel myself wishing there was someone near, and I feel a sense that no one could understand. I play with the idea of telling my Aunt how I feel but yet I feel as though she would not understand. She was never close to her parents or my father really... I just wish he was here. I wish so badly I could speak to him that I could call on his spirit... and maybe it's not just because I want to wish him a happy birthday... but because I miss him. My heart hurts so badly in this moment as the storm hits. The firenado. And all I want is to find a way to have compassion for where I sit, to accept where I'm at but it feels nearly impossible. Wishing there was a cave I could wait out the storm. I just want someone to understand how badly this hurts. How hard I'm trying and that they trying in truth is hurting me...It's time to surrender.