Transformation

They say change is hard. Is transformation harder? A butterfly turns to mush. Is that we do when we transform? What does it truly mean to transform? Does it mean to fully change like a butterfly or slowly change like Darwin's theory of evolution... I wonder where I sit and where I stand. Where I stand in power and where I stand in fear. The word transformation for me means an all encompassing word for all words. It requires patience, courage, bravery, risks, safety, compassion, love, and the words go on. I was reading through some old poems I wrote just 6 months after my father's death and seeing the change.

To Begin Again (5/31/2011)

Each night I live alone

The darkness fills the room

Like an old friend. 

It consumes me. 

I am left to fight it without you.

Since you've left I've forgotten how to live. 

As if I slipped into a void when you died. 

I died too. 

I am no longer living.

The pain has taken over.

I sit in the middle of night

crying your name. 

Wishing for only my father. 

You do not answer. 

The screams echo in the darkness.

Nothing comforts. 

Nothing heals. 

Life is too much. 

Yet somewhere I hear a faint whisper. 

Of hope.

Of faith. 

Of remembrance. 

Your legacy will not die with me. 

If only I could find a way to live again. 

To begin again. 

I am no longer feeling as though I am the walking dead. How does it change by choosing to engage with life a little bit at a time. And quite frankly committing to live my dreams. Learning to have discretion in sharing my heart carefully. I have learned to create my own rituals. The faint whisper is no longer a whisper. Its a soft quiet voice cheering my own. Reminding my that the even the smallest feats lead to transforming my life. Take climbing a mountain, you don't jump to the top, you take it a step at a time. Creating change in small increments and then seeing the big things happen. 

I want to begin again. I am calling in grief. I am calling in the release of what is NOT serving me. I am calling in a new way of living. I am calling in that I am indeed a healer and I want to embody that spirit. I want to heal. I want to learn to change the relationship with my father, i want to learn to communicate with him more clearly. I want to learn to hear him. I want to learn to hear the divine more clearly. I took a walk today and walked barefoot in the park feeling the grass beneath my feet. It is what I need a strong connection to Mother Earth. I want to learn to deepening. I want to redefine transformation. After so much healing work it feels tainted. The butterfly image for me feels tainted. I want to burn my anger, resentment, hurt, abandonment, loss, grief like a phoenix and rise from the ashes. I want to glow red and let me light shine. I want to break open the boxes around my heart. Though I want to do all of this in a gentle compassionate way. But transformation is the dark night of the soul. It is changing beliefs, behaviors, ways of being, stopping generational patterns. It is all of these things and it is not easy. But it is the soul path, and I do not want to be on any other path. This is my path to rebirth, this is my path to service, this is my path to a gloriously, brilliant, wonderful happy loving life.