I can feel it build like a volocano exploding. It takes me hours to figure out what I need, where it is stemming from. Like a virus taking over my body. But then I remember, I remember the earth. And I turn to her for healing. I turn to her for truth. Truth I feel abandoned. I feel like everyone has left. I feel as though when I choose to step away from SR people stepped away from me. And that hurts. It feels unfair as if there is something wrong with me. As if I'm just not good enough. But maybe it's not my story, maybe I can rewrite my herstory. Maybe there is a way to transform all of it. To turn into the people that are willing to be there, the people that are willing to believe. What would happen then? I don't know. But I can say it is difficult to have only one parent and she doesn't believe, she worries. I know she worries about the money it costs I have a feeling she worries I'm not smart enough. And I feel hurt. I feel unheard. And most of all right now I feel deeply alone and disconnected. I feel overwhelmed and I"m not sure how to remedy and find space to breathe. I'm trying so hard to make it I'm afraid I may be missing the point. I may be missing the journey. Life isn't about shoving it all down so we don't feel but it's about the sorrows and the joys, but I feel so disconnected from life. And I simply want to crawl into a hole and stay there. Somedays I wonder who would really care, who would really notice. And I'm left pondering the short list. Do I need a long list or do I simply need someone to hear my story, to hear how difficult the journey has been, to hear that I am still sad, that I am still not okay. Maybe I just need to tell it over and over again. Maybe I need to write it and draw and dance it out. Maybe I need to do all of that. And maybe I need to call and share. Maybe I just need to cry.

Maybe I need to try something different. Maybe maybe is a new motto.