Somedays I'm struck by the amount of anger that runs through my system. Reading facebook and the posts going back and forth between people I might say use to by my friends my sisters. Maybe I'm too rigid in my idea of that, but I have never been good with people who don't call, text, email, have no form of communication and those that do claim they want to connect with me only use their words. There are no other desire to connect. I sent a text to a friend about an event I was working I knew her son would love. There was no text back "sorry we couldn't make it", "you should come over afterwards". Nothing. I'm tired of nothing. That's all it's been since my father died. Nothingness. No verbal response, no phone calls, no how are yous, no invites, just nothing. If I make the effort I might get a response. But I am tired. It feels severely codependent. Why is it in our world we get so wrapped up in our own lives that we cannot reach out and talk with someone else? Why is it I am willing to travel across worlds to help someone but I cannot seem to get that back? No one is willing to travel across worlds to help me. I sit lost in thoughts of anger, bitterness, and an almost unwillingness to let it go. Life has seemingly fallen apart since my father died. I'm very close to writing off an entire group of friends. Some days I'm okay. I surrender into the place that if they decide to pick up the phone one day that would be wonderful. I have friends that do that on occasion but they live in other states. Maybe I should consider myself lucky to have one person in my corner that will probably never leave. I'm grateful for that. And I'm lonely. I miss the relationships I use to have before my father died. What I don't understand is why did it need to change?
For me it did change. I've heard people reflect that I'm wrong. But here's the deal I don't do distant friendship well or really at all. When people say that we are here for you. That's what I expect, when it doesn't happen my disappointment is hugely palpable. And the bottom line is that I am not asking for much. A text or phone call here and there. Is it so hard? Is it so hard for us to step outside of our lives to connect with someone else's heart? It deeply saddens me how things have occurred. It comes down to the fact that people are afraid of death, even people who have done personal healing work. I had people not call because they didn't know what to say, that's not excuse people. I had people try fix everything. If I shared that I wanted to pick up running she would offer to go with me. This is fixing, though you might see at being supportive, it is not witnessing. Then there were the people who called and never called again. No one came by my apartment. No one brought food. No one called to ask how I was. The community I thought would be there for me wasn't. And days like today I do not know what to do with it. I have literally in the last few days expressed my desire to have no real contract with the organization of SR. And really that's how I feel and yet reading facebook this morning it struck me that I am in the minority. And reading how someone missed another one of my friends, I deeply desire that message. But in truth I know that I will not recieve it.
Some days I worry I have left the community in anger. But in some ways I feel as though a level of damage has occurred that cannot be repaired. All I want is to be able to share my heart with your heart. That's all I've ever wanted. I feel too hurt to do that now. I feel a pull to engage in the things I know feed my soul: church, pagan events, priestess training, drumming, and red tents. And hope that I can build new lasting relationships. But its so hard some days and I feel so angry. And I feel like I have every right to be angry. And yet I also feel like by taking this anger everywhere I go I am only building resentment and bitterness inside my soul. I don't want that. I want release. I want a new life where life is enjoyable and happy. And maybe I need to let go of these relationships but I also know I have to let go of the anger or I won't attract new people into my life.
So I guess the bottom line is. My message to the world is see the person in front of you. Take five minutes to step out of your own crisis and you may find the deep heart connection you needed and the other person needs. Don't be selfish, but also be selfish. Share what you need, hear what the other person needs. Do not run from death or birth for that matter. Both are the one in the same. Some people grieve alone others need a community, listen to what your sister/friend needs. Reach out even when its hard, even when it doesn't feel enough. Reach out Reach out. Because if you don't you may find an empty space in your life. Don't hold onto bitterness but also don't overextend yourself to save a relationship. Speak your truth often. Tell your story as often as you need to. Do not lean on anything too heavily or you may find it will break. Lean on yourself, learn who you are, learn who you want in your life. If you can do that happiness will find its way through the darkness. Gold will fill the places of brokenness. And one day you may find yourself laughing, surrendering, and finally understanding the darkness. For now like me breathe into the darkness and trust in the light.
No comments:
Post a Comment