Darkness

I keep getting stuck in this anger. It's like a black fog of unidentifiable anger, fear, something I just can't pinpoint. Its like I'm afraid to big, to be bold, to be me. If I'm me, whatever that means, it will mean I will have to feel. I like to paint this picture of the perfect world, the perfect healing pieces. But nothing is healed. I'm still angry that my father left. I'm still angry that I feel lonely. I'm still angry that my uncle took advantage of me and let's be real abused me. I'm angry my parents fought. I'm angry with myself that I continue to try to create this picture perfect life. In the picture I can handle everything with ease, breathe, and grace. And well who can really do that all of the time. I'm surrounded by love but i can't feel it because I'm drowning in my own sorrow. Though most days I do a double take at this reality maybe it's not true. "I feel okay right now"... But what is okay. Is it having two legs and two arms? Is it having all the answers? Is it being able to write? Is it being able to do everything I SHOULD do without angst or fear? So I'm afraid. So the world feels unsafe and frightening. So I don't know when the next ball is going to drop and I'm just waiting for the car to crash in front me. It almost feels as though it might be easier. This sounds horrible but it's the truth. The truth is there is a heaviness and a darkness that's following me around for weeks. I've ignored it in the usual way, dramatic tv shows, music, school work, work work, and even masturbating (which mind you is a whole nother topic). It seems easier to run than face how I feel. And how I feel is simply put: Lost and Alone. I feel the small child inside me begging for someone to explain the world to her. To explain just why it's so hard. Why day after day she doesn't get to play.... And why is that. Why is it that day after day I forget to play? What would it mean to play? What would it mean to be free? Sometimes I think moving to Portland would solve all this, or losing weight or a million other things would heal the aching in my heart. But truth be told none of that will really change how I feel inside.

Where is the depth... how do I find the depth the map feels just out of reach. Everything just out of reach. I'm left standing on the edge of the cliff trying to decide whether I jump or I finally learn to fly. I want to learn to fly like the eagles soaring over lakes, rivers, and canyons. Explore the depths of the earth and feeling the wind in my wings. Metaphorically I can't imagine what this means. I feel like I need a leap of faith. I need to trust that I'm doing everything that I need to do in this moment. But it does not feel that easy. It feels like I'm treading water. Just when I thought things were better I feel the darkness closing in. I can feel myself wanting to give in telling the darkness "okay you win because I'm tired". I don't want to be tired, I am want to be strong, brave, capable, willing, I want it all. And in truth I don't want the darkness. I fear if I continue to rebel against it. I will not find my way through. What if I accepted the darkness and surrounded into what it needs to teach me. That does seem to be a right answer.