Christmas

It was the night before Christmas and all in the house was quiet not even a mouse... But some could not sleep. Last night I imagined all the ways that things could be better. All the ways we used to celebrate this holiday and how nothing seems the same without my father. Sleep evades me currently and I am miss him. I miss the laughter he brought to the experience, I don't remember the presents I remember his santa hat, his laughter, the food, the games. The walks, the talks, the soup he made after xmas. And we are all left with an emptiness inside us without him. How do you celebrate a holiday that is centered around presents and connection? When you are the grieving family? There is a missing part. I feel it, I didn't think it would be this hard. I didn't think coming here would be so difficult, in some regards it's peaceful. Its nice to be around family and yet have brought enough things to entertain myself so that I don't become frustrated. I feel different and I am connecting differently. I am different.

I can feel it in the way I am needing for myself to set stronger boundaries. To let people go that don't serve me. To exercise, enjoy the outdoors, to jump for joy, to experience love, to transform myself into a new wave of being. And though I am sad to loose a very long time friendship. I know it's for the best, I know that I need to step away. Its the same with my family I know I need to engage in relationship in a specific way. If I try to dive deep I experience shame and I don't need to. I feel like for the first time life is going in the right direction. A good combination of the intellectual and the artist. I drew my angel on the plane. I can feel the shifts. that for this first time in my life all I need is me. All I need is a little love and I am okay.

Though deeply authentically I miss my father more deeply now. But I am grateful to be with my family. I am grateful to have my family.