A little lost but no fear

Some days I sit wondering my next steps as I struggle deeply with my soul. I wonder where, when will I stop taking on the problems around me. I want to be strong and wise and stand so strongly no one questions my faith, my abilities, there is no drama. But that is not my life. I'm still reeling from a work experience last week where I felt emotionally dumped upon. When I sit with why I'm still obsessing about the event and previous events with this coworker it comes down to myself worth. My deep fear that I am not good enough, I am not strong enough, I am not smart enough to really impact the world. Its a feeling some days I cannot shake. I can feel my calling and yet there are so many pieces missing for me. First is the love of myself, second is compassion for myself. I don't believe in myself enough. When people are mad at me I try remedy it with reason and apologizes. And there comes a point where I feel as though I have laid my heart out to be walked over. I do not want to be walked over. I want to be loved and its been so hard to get anyone to love me. I feel as though this is changing but I still feel so alone in the world. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I want to expand and fill the world with my heart. But right now I feel hurt, run down and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and stay there. It is so difficult in moments to find my way through the fog of my emotions. I want to hear my wisdom, I want to hear my heart, I want to hear my soul. I want to stop being distracted by drama TV shows that depict epic love that is realistic. I want to be soul giver, I want to be able to communicate with spirits, I want to guide people to heal. And where I sit right now in this moment I'm struggling getting to that place. I want to make my own drum but I'm scared to spend the money. I'm afraid I won't have enough later on. I want so desperately a life that is so different from my family. Have wonder how we can literally recreate life? I need someone to help me with my pain. I need someone to help me see how brilliant I am. I know I can learn from this journey but right now I feel stuck. I feel as though all I want to do since I was yelled at is scream. I just want to scream. BUt I don't, I hold it all in. Because that's professional. That's what we need to do, I must keep going. But truth be told I want to fly, I want to spread my spirit wings and experience the joy of spring. I want to experience the joys of life. And right now I'm struggling, I know I am. But maybe there is an answer in the darkness somewhere.