The Message in the Dark

Somedays I'm struck by the amount of anger that runs through my system. Reading facebook and the posts going back and forth between people I might say use to by my friends my sisters. Maybe I'm too rigid in my idea of that, but I have never been good with people who don't call, text, email, have no form of communication and those that do claim they want to connect with me only use their words. There are no other desire to connect. I sent a text to a friend about an event I was working I knew her son would love. There was no text back "sorry we couldn't make it", "you should come over afterwards". Nothing. I'm tired of nothing. That's all it's been since my father died. Nothingness. No verbal response, no phone calls, no how are yous, no invites, just nothing. If I make the effort I might get a response. But I am tired. It feels severely codependent. Why is it in our world we get so wrapped up in our own lives that we cannot reach out and talk with someone else? Why is it I am willing to travel across worlds to help someone but I cannot seem to get that back? No one is willing to travel across worlds to help me. I sit lost in thoughts of anger, bitterness, and an almost unwillingness to let it go. Life has seemingly fallen apart since my father died. I'm very close to writing off an entire group of friends. Some days I'm okay. I surrender into the place that if they decide to pick up the phone one day that would be wonderful. I have friends that do that on occasion but they live in other states. Maybe I should consider myself lucky to have one person in my corner that will probably never leave. I'm grateful for that. And I'm lonely. I miss the relationships I use to have before my father died. What I don't understand is why did it need to change?

For me it did change. I've heard people reflect that I'm wrong. But here's the deal I don't do distant friendship well or really at all. When people say that we are here for you. That's what I expect, when it doesn't happen my disappointment is hugely palpable. And the bottom line is that I am not asking for much. A text or phone call here and there. Is it so hard? Is it so hard for us to step outside of our lives to connect with someone else's heart? It deeply saddens me how things have occurred. It comes down to the fact that people are afraid of death, even people who have done personal healing work. I had people not call because they didn't know what to say, that's not excuse people. I had people try fix everything. If I shared that I wanted to pick up running she would offer to go with me. This is fixing, though you might see at being supportive, it is not witnessing. Then there were the people who called and never called again. No one came by my apartment. No one brought food. No one called to ask how I was. The community I thought would be there for me wasn't. And days like today I do not know what to do with it. I have literally in the last few days expressed my desire to have no real contract with the organization of SR. And really that's how I feel and yet reading facebook this morning it struck me that I am in the minority. And reading how someone missed another one of my friends, I deeply desire that message. But in truth I know that I will not recieve it.

Some days I worry I have left the community in anger. But in some ways I feel as though a level of damage has occurred that cannot be repaired. All I want is to be able to share my heart with your heart. That's all I've ever wanted. I feel too hurt to do that now. I feel a pull to engage in the things I know feed my soul: church, pagan events, priestess training, drumming, and red tents. And hope that I can build new lasting relationships. But its so hard some days and I feel so angry. And I feel like I have every right to be angry. And yet I also feel like by taking this anger everywhere I go I am only building resentment and bitterness inside my soul. I don't want that. I want release. I want a new life where life is enjoyable and happy. And maybe I need to let go of these relationships but I also know I have to let go of the anger or I won't attract new people into my life.

So I guess the bottom line is. My message to the world is see the person in front of you. Take five minutes to step out of your own crisis and you may find the deep heart connection you needed and the other person needs. Don't be selfish, but also be selfish. Share what you need, hear what the other person needs. Do not run from death or birth for that matter. Both are the one in the same. Some people grieve alone others need a community, listen to what your sister/friend needs. Reach out even when its hard, even when it doesn't feel enough. Reach out Reach out. Because if you don't you may find an empty space in your life. Don't hold onto bitterness but also don't overextend yourself to save a relationship. Speak your truth often. Tell your story as often as you need to. Do not lean on anything too heavily or you may find it will break. Lean on yourself, learn who you are, learn who you want in your life. If you can do that happiness will find its way through the darkness. Gold will fill the places of brokenness. And one day you may find yourself laughing, surrendering, and finally understanding the darkness. For now like me breathe into the darkness and trust in the light.

Darkness

I keep getting stuck in this anger. It's like a black fog of unidentifiable anger, fear, something I just can't pinpoint. Its like I'm afraid to big, to be bold, to be me. If I'm me, whatever that means, it will mean I will have to feel. I like to paint this picture of the perfect world, the perfect healing pieces. But nothing is healed. I'm still angry that my father left. I'm still angry that I feel lonely. I'm still angry that my uncle took advantage of me and let's be real abused me. I'm angry my parents fought. I'm angry with myself that I continue to try to create this picture perfect life. In the picture I can handle everything with ease, breathe, and grace. And well who can really do that all of the time. I'm surrounded by love but i can't feel it because I'm drowning in my own sorrow. Though most days I do a double take at this reality maybe it's not true. "I feel okay right now"... But what is okay. Is it having two legs and two arms? Is it having all the answers? Is it being able to write? Is it being able to do everything I SHOULD do without angst or fear? So I'm afraid. So the world feels unsafe and frightening. So I don't know when the next ball is going to drop and I'm just waiting for the car to crash in front me. It almost feels as though it might be easier. This sounds horrible but it's the truth. The truth is there is a heaviness and a darkness that's following me around for weeks. I've ignored it in the usual way, dramatic tv shows, music, school work, work work, and even masturbating (which mind you is a whole nother topic). It seems easier to run than face how I feel. And how I feel is simply put: Lost and Alone. I feel the small child inside me begging for someone to explain the world to her. To explain just why it's so hard. Why day after day she doesn't get to play.... And why is that. Why is it that day after day I forget to play? What would it mean to play? What would it mean to be free? Sometimes I think moving to Portland would solve all this, or losing weight or a million other things would heal the aching in my heart. But truth be told none of that will really change how I feel inside.

Where is the depth... how do I find the depth the map feels just out of reach. Everything just out of reach. I'm left standing on the edge of the cliff trying to decide whether I jump or I finally learn to fly. I want to learn to fly like the eagles soaring over lakes, rivers, and canyons. Explore the depths of the earth and feeling the wind in my wings. Metaphorically I can't imagine what this means. I feel like I need a leap of faith. I need to trust that I'm doing everything that I need to do in this moment. But it does not feel that easy. It feels like I'm treading water. Just when I thought things were better I feel the darkness closing in. I can feel myself wanting to give in telling the darkness "okay you win because I'm tired". I don't want to be tired, I am want to be strong, brave, capable, willing, I want it all. And in truth I don't want the darkness. I fear if I continue to rebel against it. I will not find my way through. What if I accepted the darkness and surrounded into what it needs to teach me. That does seem to be a right answer.

Brokenness

The mind is like a tidal wave of thoughts. I feel myself permeating on the service today. My new community, my new life. And ideas of love and brokenness intertwined... My reverend asked me to help with the service today and in that moment there was a feeling of acceptance. Yes I'll help. My job mind you was to dump angel cards on the floor. An odd job perhaps but the theme for today was "When you Spill Soup"... I spilled the soup. There are so many moments when I feel broken, when I feel not enough, and yet when I'm in service to a greater cause. I do feel enough I feel a grasp of what it means to have connection to the divine mother. It startles me. Today I was amazed at how much and how little I know. How deeply connected I am without recognizing it? It makes me wonder what would I create if I were to write? Would I find words that would affect someone forever? Would I change my own thoughts in the experience? I keep hitting block after block in this endeavor. I wish I could express myself, I wish I could translate the wisdom I sense in my head onto paper. Create a whole new world. To explore words like Love, Brokeness, Death, Life, Wonder, Wisdom, Transformation. What do these words truly mean? Does each person's definition vary due to their individual experiences? What does it mean to be whole...

Because somedays I have the stirring that I am still broken. Looking down at the order of service in church this morning and seeing "Grief and Loss Support Group". I felt the urge, the desire to connect with those who have experienced the loss of a loved one. There is a deep desire to be understood. A very primal desire to tell my story. But what is my story and why do I continue to want to tell it? I think when you lose someone suddenly and your family is ripped apart from the tradegy in many ways it changes you. It lies heavily on my heart. And though most days I like to pretend it isn't affecting me moments like today remind me how much I miss my father.

My mother told me a story this week. She was taking out the garbage and saw a wolf standing not far off from the garage. Please understand that wolves have been extinct in Colorado for a number of years. She slowly backed away while maintaining eye contact with the wolf. He did the same without moving. When my mother had entered into garage he slowly walked across the street. The most startling part of this experience was not the wolf but my mother's admission that it might have been my father. I believe wholeheartedly that when someone leaves before their time or before the living are ready for them to leave they stay. They watch, they become guardian angels. It startled me. I still feel fearful someone will take away my belief in my father or tell me that what I believe is wrong. When all I want is to say goodbye. All I want is to have one last moment. And perhaps that's why I want to tell my story over and over again. Maybe I am heart broken, maybe I'm broken. But how could I not being surrounded by people with families and parents that get to see all the wonderful moments. But what I really want to know is what would happen if you reached out to someone in their grief with your heart. That's all anyone really needs....

To have a heart to heart connection. Many people seem too afraid to be vulnerable with each other and say things instead like "there is meaning in everything" "time heals all wounds" and none of it helps. All I really want is people in my life that can see the depth I hold inside and witness me for who I am, who I was, and who I am becoming.

Christmas

It was the night before Christmas and all in the house was quiet not even a mouse... But some could not sleep. Last night I imagined all the ways that things could be better. All the ways we used to celebrate this holiday and how nothing seems the same without my father. Sleep evades me currently and I am miss him. I miss the laughter he brought to the experience, I don't remember the presents I remember his santa hat, his laughter, the food, the games. The walks, the talks, the soup he made after xmas. And we are all left with an emptiness inside us without him. How do you celebrate a holiday that is centered around presents and connection? When you are the grieving family? There is a missing part. I feel it, I didn't think it would be this hard. I didn't think coming here would be so difficult, in some regards it's peaceful. Its nice to be around family and yet have brought enough things to entertain myself so that I don't become frustrated. I feel different and I am connecting differently. I am different.

I can feel it in the way I am needing for myself to set stronger boundaries. To let people go that don't serve me. To exercise, enjoy the outdoors, to jump for joy, to experience love, to transform myself into a new wave of being. And though I am sad to loose a very long time friendship. I know it's for the best, I know that I need to step away. Its the same with my family I know I need to engage in relationship in a specific way. If I try to dive deep I experience shame and I don't need to. I feel like for the first time life is going in the right direction. A good combination of the intellectual and the artist. I drew my angel on the plane. I can feel the shifts. that for this first time in my life all I need is me. All I need is a little love and I am okay.

Though deeply authentically I miss my father more deeply now. But I am grateful to be with my family. I am grateful to have my family.

Transformation

It's days like today where I wonder when the pain will end. I wonder when I will stop desiring to tell EVERYONE my father is dead. This is his anniversary, I'm falling apart, hold me. Hold me up, that's what I want to scream. But the truth is even more shattering. No one can do that for me. I don't have people in my life that can reach out a hand to hold me up. Perhaps no one has those people. Or those that do are not in healthy relationships. Its been difficult for me. I've seem myself transferring my dependence onto my Reverend and the truth that hits me is I have to stand on my own. I have to transformation to live the life I want. Perhaps I have to learn to love. I chose to pick my angel card tonight ahead of everyone so I could pick on my father's anniversary. There is a part of me that felt as though I asked too much, I'm make my grief too big, I'm being a burdened, a needy wounded child. That is my judgement. I picked TRANSFORMATION. One of the biggest words in the deck in my opinion.

But I sit here tonight wondering what would it be like not tell everyone how sad I am. How much I miss my father even if it's true? I just have such a hard time being superficial. I want to share my heart and my heart opened tonight. After visiting the Crone I had to take a walk to let the grief flow or it would be stuffed to the bottom once again. And I am learning that I must let go of expectations of people. There is a small part of me that so desperately wants to be coddled. To be told it will be okay. I want to find freedom. I want to find surrender and peace. I want to find love for myself. But I see all the ways I regret.

I regret that I hadn't called my father in the days preceding his death. I regret the anger and numbness that followed. How I shoved everyone out of my life. Because the truth comes down anger. I am angry my father left me. I am angry at my mother for not being able to see my brilliance and my pain. I am angry for having another adversity. And instead of rebounding I feel into a deep dark whole. And every solstice I have been reminded of this. But tonight, tonight was different. I was different. I still needed to share about his anniversary, it was important to me to pick the angel card. But I didn't share with everyone. I went outside and I cried. And I cried. And I grieved. I miss my father, there is no denying. There is no denying how deeply my life has been affected since his passing.

But tonight I began to ask myself if he were still here would I be stepping into these new adventures. These things that are truly an embodiment of myself. Would I be choosing to stand on my own. Would I be choosing to step into my role as priestess for the great divine. Would I be believing in the Great Mother. Would I be pursuing Naturopathic School? Would I be saying YES so loud and so much as I am now. I wonder. Tonight is indeed the darkest night of the year both literally and personally. And yet I feel for the first time I am not alone. I am standing stronger and taller. I am choosing myself in a very real way. In a different way.

And I can feel myself exploding not just from the grief, which is ripping at my heart. But the joy is there again too. I felt it in the circle tonight. I could feel my heart expanding accepting all the beautiful people as my brothers and sisters. I felt like I do indeed belong. All I have to do is find a way to volunteer my time. But for now I feel the tears have ended for the dark night of the soul, the darkest night of the year. I've spoken my truth to the crone and more. And I believe for the first time things are going to change, they will indeed TRANSFORM over the next year.

Loss

I sit deeply in this moment of the feeling of loss. The loss of my father's presence in my life. The loss of the community I thought I had. The loss of needing other people. The loss of my identity. It's a mix of grief and strength moving forward. Reading through Teresa's email I realized how much I no longer identify with Shakti. Though I respect all those that still want to be involved. I have seen my truth within this community and it is not how others may perceive it. I walked away because it was a safety codependent net that had to be severed. I had out grew what Shakti was to me, and I could no longer pretend that I belong. I am moving on and yes I will do great things. But depending on any one person, organization, or thing to change you is a grave mistake. That is what Shakti had allowed me to become. Placing ideas of sisterhood in my head, in just wasn't true. I've learned for the first time to step away from this need for people to be there, for people to listen, for people to be my dependency. I have found nature again. I have found myself again. When we lean to heavily on others even in community it can be as if they bound you with ropes. There is no way out but to sever them and move on. Learn how to make decisions on you're own, to engage in life in a true adult way, to accept things as they are. To decide yes I want to spend Christmas with my family. It's been a big process for me to step into my own. To decide that yes I will live MY life and stop trying to live everyone else's. It's a tough road to break that pattern. But I feel at this cross roads where indeed I have. I feel myself. I feel okay in the aloneness, I feel okay. I in fact excited for what life has to offer me.

In all the great changes, there is a deep sadness. As I realize tomorrow is the day I lost my father 3 years ago. It's a combination of numbness, unreality, and deep authentic sadness. But I still ask "Dad where are you?" "Are you happy?" Do you know how sad your family is? Do you know how much your wife has been through in the last year? Do you know how scared I get? Do you know how much I have changed? My entire life feels on a pedestal of change. I am a priestess. I am a Goddess. I am change. I am I am all of these things. And I want to claim it. But dad I am scared. Without your hand at my back, my knees become weak. Without you at my back, my stomach becomes queezy and I wonder where I am. I wonder where do we go now? And how do you really move on? How do I celebrate the return of the light on the darkest night of the year. Your death... the darkest night of the year is your death. It was too soon, and I want to scream. And yet I also have accepted the truth at this point. I have accepted the loss in some regards. But how to live with it. I do now that this year... I have changed. I have turned a corner. I am working towards saying yes to life in every way.

I feel like climbing a mountain top and screaming at the top of my lungs. Would you hear my cry of excitement? I can't help but wonder whether my papa is watching. But it's time to embrace what is. And I am here, there is so much joy mixed with the sorrow. I hope my new community will indeed support me on the darkest day of the year.

The Anxiety

Sometimes my heart begins to race and my mind begins to spin. And I wonder why, what am I feeling that is throwing me off center? And it comes down this week to some rather large things. My father's anniversary is Saturday. And when I shared this with my mentor at Church I got the "Well you should bring him". My response "Well I could bring his spirit". He's dead. And the anxiety rips through me like a title wave I want to scream the words "Don't you know I'm wounded I lost my father tragically and this is the first time I'm doing something for myself on his anniversary". Don't you see? And the approval cycle explodes. One day I won't care what anyone else thinks. One day I will stand on my own so tall and so strong that I will not shake. Well let's be realistic I will always shake, shaking is what makes us human. Without our fear, insecurities we continue to be imperfect, it's what makes us lovable. It's what makes us unique. But there is a level I'd like to let go. I experienced today in that moment where I tried to open and it was not received and I was met with my shame. I wanted to share my joys and sorrows. And yet does the whole world need to know how hurt I feel on the inside or how joyful I feel on the inside? Where is the line between connection, friendship, and oversharing? I experience myself as an oversharer. A person who needs validation and approval in order to walk, breath, and live. But no more I will make my own decisions. I am going to do this priestess training. I have filled out the application and just need to send in the deposit. I want to be a priestess. I want to be wise. I want to change the world. I have unique gifts that want to come out and play. I am tired of living in a box, the box I created to protect myself from life's ills. It's what will allow me to be an empathic, spiritual practitioner. I want to live breathe in the beauty that surrounds us. I want to believe that I can leave the drama and enter into my own sacred temple and experience the joy, sorrow, and see the deepness that life has to offer. To accept and love people for who they are. I know everything is a work in progress but I truly seek a bigger and larger life. I seek people like me, on my plane, my peers, my sisters, people that truly want depth and understand that I need action. That I don't necessarily want to be the person all the time that reaches out. What if you reached out what would that feel like for you? Would you notice like I notice that you were making an effort in a different way? I am loyal and I see how difficult connection is in our society. I see how badly I want it. It's not easy it takes work and sometimes it seems walking away is the best option. That indeed the best option is let go of the person who cannot hold what you need held. In moments away from my anger and grief of losing these people I can see how we are different. That though in a lot ways I still need to grow into myself. I have grown in such deep and profound ways it has unfortunately separated myself. But I have also done the separating. Ever notice how your anger, hatred, hurt separates and blinds you from seeing what is. From seeing what is the true truth. If I want people to show up I have to let go. I have wear fabric bright as pink, and dark as black. To truly embrace all of who I am I have to dance, and laugh and cry. There is no have to or force to and must be done organically. It must be embraced within the construct of life. And I must let go of the t-shirts, sweatshirts and play with fabric. Play with the idea that my body is beautiful that indeed I am a Goddess.

In the application we were asked if we could pick a Goddess name what would it be. I looked up a few. Juno, Maat or Maya, Minerva. Maybe even Kersair- Goddess of the Celtics who is daughter of the cosmos and connected to the sea and the great flood.I feel connected to the Truth, wisdom, medicine, and healing. I am excited by the idea of learning more about myself. Learning how to partner.

But I am realizing that it time to let go of my grief, it is time to live for myself and no one else. To love life, to give myself, to allow myself to be involved and connected. To stretch and expand to see where the sea will take me.