The Anxiety

Sometimes my heart begins to race and my mind begins to spin. And I wonder why, what am I feeling that is throwing me off center? And it comes down this week to some rather large things. My father's anniversary is Saturday. And when I shared this with my mentor at Church I got the "Well you should bring him". My response "Well I could bring his spirit". He's dead. And the anxiety rips through me like a title wave I want to scream the words "Don't you know I'm wounded I lost my father tragically and this is the first time I'm doing something for myself on his anniversary". Don't you see? And the approval cycle explodes. One day I won't care what anyone else thinks. One day I will stand on my own so tall and so strong that I will not shake. Well let's be realistic I will always shake, shaking is what makes us human. Without our fear, insecurities we continue to be imperfect, it's what makes us lovable. It's what makes us unique. But there is a level I'd like to let go. I experienced today in that moment where I tried to open and it was not received and I was met with my shame. I wanted to share my joys and sorrows. And yet does the whole world need to know how hurt I feel on the inside or how joyful I feel on the inside? Where is the line between connection, friendship, and oversharing? I experience myself as an oversharer. A person who needs validation and approval in order to walk, breath, and live. But no more I will make my own decisions. I am going to do this priestess training. I have filled out the application and just need to send in the deposit. I want to be a priestess. I want to be wise. I want to change the world. I have unique gifts that want to come out and play. I am tired of living in a box, the box I created to protect myself from life's ills. It's what will allow me to be an empathic, spiritual practitioner. I want to live breathe in the beauty that surrounds us. I want to believe that I can leave the drama and enter into my own sacred temple and experience the joy, sorrow, and see the deepness that life has to offer. To accept and love people for who they are. I know everything is a work in progress but I truly seek a bigger and larger life. I seek people like me, on my plane, my peers, my sisters, people that truly want depth and understand that I need action. That I don't necessarily want to be the person all the time that reaches out. What if you reached out what would that feel like for you? Would you notice like I notice that you were making an effort in a different way? I am loyal and I see how difficult connection is in our society. I see how badly I want it. It's not easy it takes work and sometimes it seems walking away is the best option. That indeed the best option is let go of the person who cannot hold what you need held. In moments away from my anger and grief of losing these people I can see how we are different. That though in a lot ways I still need to grow into myself. I have grown in such deep and profound ways it has unfortunately separated myself. But I have also done the separating. Ever notice how your anger, hatred, hurt separates and blinds you from seeing what is. From seeing what is the true truth. If I want people to show up I have to let go. I have wear fabric bright as pink, and dark as black. To truly embrace all of who I am I have to dance, and laugh and cry. There is no have to or force to and must be done organically. It must be embraced within the construct of life. And I must let go of the t-shirts, sweatshirts and play with fabric. Play with the idea that my body is beautiful that indeed I am a Goddess.

In the application we were asked if we could pick a Goddess name what would it be. I looked up a few. Juno, Maat or Maya, Minerva. Maybe even Kersair- Goddess of the Celtics who is daughter of the cosmos and connected to the sea and the great flood.I feel connected to the Truth, wisdom, medicine, and healing. I am excited by the idea of learning more about myself. Learning how to partner.

But I am realizing that it time to let go of my grief, it is time to live for myself and no one else. To love life, to give myself, to allow myself to be involved and connected. To stretch and expand to see where the sea will take me.