Relationships

I have been sitting with this question of how to be, how do we engage in our relationships? How do we find meaning, love, and support without feeling disappointment, resentment, anger?

I ask because this is my experience. A feeling of severe angst inside when I read others posts about feeling as though they belong to this wonderful community, or they were so deeply supported. And I sit wondering in jealousy and anger why don't I have this in my life? Why is it so hard for me to develop that kind of closeness? Part of it is with some people there is an experience of fakeness, a feeling that someone doesn't really care. If they cared wouldn't they make some kind of effort to be a part of my life. Anything really just some small token that you care and you want me to include me in your adventures. And I'm left feeling lonely, jealous, angry, hurt, needy, and alone. And my retort to all these feelings is well if you can't make the effort I'm leaving. Maybe it works for other people to have acceptance for people escaping into their own lives, but for some reason this doesn't work for me. Maybe because I've known this feeling for years. I've had the experience with my mother of deeply wishing for her to see me, to know me, and yet it's always been about her and her needs. And that is my experience in relationship with others, not across the board. What is community if it is not about keeping your word? What is community if you do not include and reach out? Why do I always have to reach in? In truth I've taken the sword and severed the connection. Because I can't, this is not what I want.

I want people in my life to grow with in life and adventure. I want people to learn who I am, experience me from the inside out. Not for my issues, my wounds, but for my brilliance. And when you build a community around transformational healing it becomes about the wounds and not so much the wonders. And I can here the echoing of people challenging me. But what they see as true I do not experience. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there is some forgiveness that needs to occur both for myself and for the women in community. There must be another way to live. I'm convinced that truly there is an experience to letting go. When you grew up in such a codependent environment, I just want to stand on my own two feet. I just want to experience the world as whole, as one, as beauty. And I know it was time to step away. And the anger and the hurt is related to my grief. That in the end Shakti was not what I thought it was, in the end I needed to walk away in order to find myself. I feel the grief. And angst of disappointment and aloneness.

And I'm still finding myself. I'm still searching for who it is I want to be. Who I am becoming. Can you grow with me? Can you see deeper than my words and actions? For I am hurting inside. I've been hurting all my life. And I have begun to see the connections however small. There is a glimmer of hope that maybe one day I will be able to build the kind of relationships I crave.