Freedom

It continues to amaze but sadden me how deeply my worth is embedded in other people's approval. I can feel it every time my mother disapproves or has a certain perspective about my life. It is my life I'm allowing other people define how I live it. I've been working so hard to get back to what I would call stable ground. Working so hard to live my life's work, but this is part of it. Learning to be truly independent. It wouldn't be our life's work if it were easy now would it? No. She won't be the last to question my choices. I have thought this through and perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps I will change my mind before incurring debt, perhaps after. Either way I do trust in the universe. In the divine ancient wisdom. I want to share this with the world. A part of this journey is being able to stand strong in my own sense of self, strong enough not to be swayed. But the key to all of this to also be able to listen and hear other people.

I am a dissector of life, I pick it all a part in detail, maybe you don't see it. And inside of all this worth, I can feel the anger and angst that comes with places my worth and power in someone else's hands. How do I get it back? How do I stand on my own and scream at the top of my lungs that I know this to be true... I do not know yet. I can feel the path opening up before my feet. It's no longer about traditional views that in fact if I truly open my heart from the inside out, and leave nothing behind. I will in fact carve a path to be proud of. My legacy will be choosing to heal my wounds. To chose to live in a world where I am honored no revered for my work. Deeply respected not because I helped you but because you are deeply loved. To find that priestess place inside myself and allow it be seen, heard, allow it to scream, and shatter all preconceived notions. I want the support. I feel the craving, I feel the emptiness I want her to fill. I feel it all. And anger fills the space. How dare you call it rushing into it, not thinking it through... do you know me? All I do is play it safe. I play it safe ALL the time. I'm tired of safe, I'm tired of okay, I'm tired of content. I'm tired of the middle road. I'm tired of selling myself short because some belief, or person, or thing tells me I can't. I was born a beautiful woman and I will be damned if that escapes me. My determination at times feels unparallelled. And I know there is hope for our lives yet. My life is changing. I am changing in ways I never even thought possible. Which makes me believe. Which reminds that there is HOPE. That hope is in my heart that I can indeed make this happen. Will it be easy? No. Nothing in my life has come easy. But does that mean I should walk away because of money, because of anything for that matter. I don't believe so. I believe that if I really am meant to do this, if I am really meant to help people in this way. There will be support, somehow somewhere along the way I will find the path that leads me to emotional, spiritual, financial, and mental freedom. And the path to get there is true internal and external independence.