Workaholic

I find myself reminded how important it is to write and be present. How important it is not to be like my father? There are so many ways I want to be like him. But being a workaholic is not one of them. And yet I find myself feeling guilty if I say no. As if I am denying the universe what I've asked for. If it will backlash me in some way. I'm beginning to realize the fallacy in this thought process. It's a big piece. How do I have fun and make money? How do I find the balance in the dance of life. It feels as if I am sweating every ounce of my energies out into the world. I'm losing my soul the constant drum of the beat of commitments. It felt so unbelievable real to experience fire ceremony, to be reminded that who I am at my very core is a shaman/wiccan priestess. That is who I am and when I get bogged down by other commitments I lose the connection. I need to remember that I do not need to take every commitment that comes into my life. I do not need to work myself into the ground. I'm loosing chances to connect with those who I hold dear. I want dearly to connect with friends before I leave and start my new life. Romanticizing the thought of Portland is sticky. It causes a false sense of security. What if I let go and accepted that though my father was a workaholic that I do not need to follow in his footsteps. The next phase of the grief, breaking negative beliefs that my father passed onto me.

Sneaky Grief

I'm finding as of late a deep lack of motivation and I'm beginning to wonder about grief. If I a really missing my father and the truth is I believe I am. I just got into med school and my father is no where in site. I feel like I'm treading through quicksand while waging a war against myself. It strikes me that it's two weeks before thanksgiving. I have made no plans and have no desire to engage with the holiday. That perhaps I am a little depressed and perhaps I am still grieving. I look at my eating patterns. My desire, deep desire to be seen. And all the struggles with motivation. Thanksgiving is around the corner and christmas not far in the future. I am left struggling to find ways to breathe in the chaos. I forget just how much my father's death impacts almost all aspects of my life. The last time I saw him was Thanksgiving 2010. And how do you experience such a loss and be okay. How do have your dreams come true and not have him by your side? He was my rock, he was the person I called about everything logistical, And now I am moving to portland, I am struggling through O chem, I am a rock star at work, and all I want is for my father to listen to one more story. To tell me how to navigate the move. Or the reality that he would help me move... I know it's a little codependent, but I just miss that kind of dependability. I miss having a father to turn to. My mother just is not the same. There is so much judgment. I am left wondering how to relieve this feeling inside my heat. The deep sadness and fear of failing a man who is no longer alive. I want to make him proud, I want him to see how amazing his daughter is. And I only feel this way because he's gone. I need to hear him but I am so busy that I cannot hear him clearly. I am so busy I cannot find time to honor the fact that the biggest transition of my life is upon me and my father is not here to share it with. And at the end of the day I am sad. I am deeply sad and angry. Its all there. Its always there just sometimes I forget.

What moves you

I am amazed at how much a culture needs to escape. I am stunned as I observe my family as they prepare food instead of connecting they listen to the radio or watch tv. Its become habit instead of choice. I wonder what it would be like to embrace the silence once in a while. To embrace the breathing of their dog, the breath of fresh air, the song of the birds... I wonder how our whole world would change if we could express ourselves in this deep connection to the earth. I know that I don't want the TV on anymore. It no longer serves me, it no longer works. What works is finding ways to deeply connect with self and others. I do not want to live a life where we speaking of the latest craze in the TV series. Instead I want to know what moves you, what makes the fire in your belly burn, what turns your face blazing red hot with fear, what stirs in your dreams, what you do if no one was watching. I want to know the depths of your soul, the height of your being. I want to hear you scream, hear you cry, and most of all hear you laugh. I want the silence to guide us home. Because without dreaming who are we. Without change who are. We would have joined the mass of sleepwalkers, partial sleepwalkers, apathetic race. Instead join the leagues fighting for true humanitarian justice in the world, do not turn a blind eye. The world needs us all to be hero's today.

A little lost but no fear

Some days I sit wondering my next steps as I struggle deeply with my soul. I wonder where, when will I stop taking on the problems around me. I want to be strong and wise and stand so strongly no one questions my faith, my abilities, there is no drama. But that is not my life. I'm still reeling from a work experience last week where I felt emotionally dumped upon. When I sit with why I'm still obsessing about the event and previous events with this coworker it comes down to myself worth. My deep fear that I am not good enough, I am not strong enough, I am not smart enough to really impact the world. Its a feeling some days I cannot shake. I can feel my calling and yet there are so many pieces missing for me. First is the love of myself, second is compassion for myself. I don't believe in myself enough. When people are mad at me I try remedy it with reason and apologizes. And there comes a point where I feel as though I have laid my heart out to be walked over. I do not want to be walked over. I want to be loved and its been so hard to get anyone to love me. I feel as though this is changing but I still feel so alone in the world. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I want to expand and fill the world with my heart. But right now I feel hurt, run down and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and stay there. It is so difficult in moments to find my way through the fog of my emotions. I want to hear my wisdom, I want to hear my heart, I want to hear my soul. I want to stop being distracted by drama TV shows that depict epic love that is realistic. I want to be soul giver, I want to be able to communicate with spirits, I want to guide people to heal. And where I sit right now in this moment I'm struggling getting to that place. I want to make my own drum but I'm scared to spend the money. I'm afraid I won't have enough later on. I want so desperately a life that is so different from my family. Have wonder how we can literally recreate life? I need someone to help me with my pain. I need someone to help me see how brilliant I am. I know I can learn from this journey but right now I feel stuck. I feel as though all I want to do since I was yelled at is scream. I just want to scream. BUt I don't, I hold it all in. Because that's professional. That's what we need to do, I must keep going. But truth be told I want to fly, I want to spread my spirit wings and experience the joy of spring. I want to experience the joys of life. And right now I'm struggling, I know I am. But maybe there is an answer in the darkness somewhere.

Friends Lost

Today I am sitting with the need or desire to send a letter or email to an old friend. I'm not even sure she can be called a friend. She hasn't called in Months. And the last time I received a call from her was about a living situation she was thinking about. I did not have a good experience with the person she is choosing to live with. But that's not my problem either. My problem is that she called me a sister and then left. Stopped calling, I feel abandoned. I feel as though people say they love you, say they care for you, but it feels false it feels as though its all a lie. And I'm trying to find a way not to believe this thought process, but its difficult. I want to know where I went wrong, where our friendship went south. Why she won't call and I don't want to process but I want to go have fun, enjoy an experience together. I wonder if it's because of who she lives with, I wonder if it's because I let go of one of our mutual friends. I wonder what I did to deserve this, and that's the nutshell isn't it. That's the part where I make it about me. But I hurt, and I'm angry. I'm angry that in this "healing" community I feel more abandoned by people than in any other community. I feel thrown aside as if my feelings do not matter. I can't decide if it would be to my benefit to write a letter or to surrender and let it go. To accept that I have lost my friendships with SR and its no one person's fault. And in truth I'm expanded into a bigger and better place for myself. I don't feel held back by preconceived notion of who I am. Because in truth when my father died I became a person that these people no longer knew. I wish it didn't have to be like this, I truly wish I could repair the relationship in someway. I simple feel hurt. And I wish that people could look beyond themselves and see what their actions cause. I wish people could understand the impact of my father's death. I wish people could see me. Could see the beautiful heart that I hold. Could see all the beauty that lies in my soul and that I am worth being friends with. I'm worth it all.

Birthday Time

I sit wondering what is my Truth, what is My path. Where am I going because nights like these I feel alone. I feel as though I'm wondering through a forest with no sisters, no friends, just purely alone. And maybe that's okay. I can't quite decided. A part of me wants to play into the pattern that has been occurring for years. I call and complain how no one ever calls. And they apologize and tell me they will try harder. But now that I have stopped calling I've found my phone is silent, my heart is empty. This is how it felt my father left, pure emptiness. Unbelievable aloneness. Being constantly misunderstood and judged for my actions. Its all real, it's all part of my story, my path. I've stepped away from the organization that quite frankly saved my life. And the grief with that is real, the grief for my father is real. My heart aches to be loved, and not just be others by myself. The person who runs and runs. Eats and eats to avoid loving myself. Compassion is lacking in so many ways it strikes me. My mother telling my grandmother is kidney failure. The lack of compassion is palpable, I can feel it so strongly I taste it. I'm angry and bitter that everyone else gets to have their parents into their 80s and 90s, even the 70s. I feel like a horrible person, but I miss my father. I miss the young man he was and it hurts so badly that everyone else. But I just don't have any compassion or care that one grandmother is dying and the other was hospitalized last night. It's like I'm begging for someone anyone else to feel my pain. But they won't it's different. I feel scarred, I feel as though my scar is eating through me like a dis-ease or like a raging wildfire. I can feel myself wishing there was someone near, and I feel a sense that no one could understand. I play with the idea of telling my Aunt how I feel but yet I feel as though she would not understand. She was never close to her parents or my father really... I just wish he was here. I wish so badly I could speak to him that I could call on his spirit... and maybe it's not just because I want to wish him a happy birthday... but because I miss him. My heart hurts so badly in this moment as the storm hits. The firenado. And all I want is to find a way to have compassion for where I sit, to accept where I'm at but it feels nearly impossible. Wishing there was a cave I could wait out the storm. I just want someone to understand how badly this hurts. How hard I'm trying and that they trying in truth is hurting me...It's time to surrender.

I can feel it build like a volocano exploding. It takes me hours to figure out what I need, where it is stemming from. Like a virus taking over my body. But then I remember, I remember the earth. And I turn to her for healing. I turn to her for truth. Truth I feel abandoned. I feel like everyone has left. I feel as though when I choose to step away from SR people stepped away from me. And that hurts. It feels unfair as if there is something wrong with me. As if I'm just not good enough. But maybe it's not my story, maybe I can rewrite my herstory. Maybe there is a way to transform all of it. To turn into the people that are willing to be there, the people that are willing to believe. What would happen then? I don't know. But I can say it is difficult to have only one parent and she doesn't believe, she worries. I know she worries about the money it costs I have a feeling she worries I'm not smart enough. And I feel hurt. I feel unheard. And most of all right now I feel deeply alone and disconnected. I feel overwhelmed and I"m not sure how to remedy and find space to breathe. I'm trying so hard to make it I'm afraid I may be missing the point. I may be missing the journey. Life isn't about shoving it all down so we don't feel but it's about the sorrows and the joys, but I feel so disconnected from life. And I simply want to crawl into a hole and stay there. Somedays I wonder who would really care, who would really notice. And I'm left pondering the short list. Do I need a long list or do I simply need someone to hear my story, to hear how difficult the journey has been, to hear that I am still sad, that I am still not okay. Maybe I just need to tell it over and over again. Maybe I need to write it and draw and dance it out. Maybe I need to do all of that. And maybe I need to call and share. Maybe I just need to cry.

Maybe I need to try something different. Maybe maybe is a new motto.