Loss

I sit deeply in this moment of the feeling of loss. The loss of my father's presence in my life. The loss of the community I thought I had. The loss of needing other people. The loss of my identity. It's a mix of grief and strength moving forward. Reading through Teresa's email I realized how much I no longer identify with Shakti. Though I respect all those that still want to be involved. I have seen my truth within this community and it is not how others may perceive it. I walked away because it was a safety codependent net that had to be severed. I had out grew what Shakti was to me, and I could no longer pretend that I belong. I am moving on and yes I will do great things. But depending on any one person, organization, or thing to change you is a grave mistake. That is what Shakti had allowed me to become. Placing ideas of sisterhood in my head, in just wasn't true. I've learned for the first time to step away from this need for people to be there, for people to listen, for people to be my dependency. I have found nature again. I have found myself again. When we lean to heavily on others even in community it can be as if they bound you with ropes. There is no way out but to sever them and move on. Learn how to make decisions on you're own, to engage in life in a true adult way, to accept things as they are. To decide yes I want to spend Christmas with my family. It's been a big process for me to step into my own. To decide that yes I will live MY life and stop trying to live everyone else's. It's a tough road to break that pattern. But I feel at this cross roads where indeed I have. I feel myself. I feel okay in the aloneness, I feel okay. I in fact excited for what life has to offer me.

In all the great changes, there is a deep sadness. As I realize tomorrow is the day I lost my father 3 years ago. It's a combination of numbness, unreality, and deep authentic sadness. But I still ask "Dad where are you?" "Are you happy?" Do you know how sad your family is? Do you know how much your wife has been through in the last year? Do you know how scared I get? Do you know how much I have changed? My entire life feels on a pedestal of change. I am a priestess. I am a Goddess. I am change. I am I am all of these things. And I want to claim it. But dad I am scared. Without your hand at my back, my knees become weak. Without you at my back, my stomach becomes queezy and I wonder where I am. I wonder where do we go now? And how do you really move on? How do I celebrate the return of the light on the darkest night of the year. Your death... the darkest night of the year is your death. It was too soon, and I want to scream. And yet I also have accepted the truth at this point. I have accepted the loss in some regards. But how to live with it. I do now that this year... I have changed. I have turned a corner. I am working towards saying yes to life in every way.

I feel like climbing a mountain top and screaming at the top of my lungs. Would you hear my cry of excitement? I can't help but wonder whether my papa is watching. But it's time to embrace what is. And I am here, there is so much joy mixed with the sorrow. I hope my new community will indeed support me on the darkest day of the year.

The Anxiety

Sometimes my heart begins to race and my mind begins to spin. And I wonder why, what am I feeling that is throwing me off center? And it comes down this week to some rather large things. My father's anniversary is Saturday. And when I shared this with my mentor at Church I got the "Well you should bring him". My response "Well I could bring his spirit". He's dead. And the anxiety rips through me like a title wave I want to scream the words "Don't you know I'm wounded I lost my father tragically and this is the first time I'm doing something for myself on his anniversary". Don't you see? And the approval cycle explodes. One day I won't care what anyone else thinks. One day I will stand on my own so tall and so strong that I will not shake. Well let's be realistic I will always shake, shaking is what makes us human. Without our fear, insecurities we continue to be imperfect, it's what makes us lovable. It's what makes us unique. But there is a level I'd like to let go. I experienced today in that moment where I tried to open and it was not received and I was met with my shame. I wanted to share my joys and sorrows. And yet does the whole world need to know how hurt I feel on the inside or how joyful I feel on the inside? Where is the line between connection, friendship, and oversharing? I experience myself as an oversharer. A person who needs validation and approval in order to walk, breath, and live. But no more I will make my own decisions. I am going to do this priestess training. I have filled out the application and just need to send in the deposit. I want to be a priestess. I want to be wise. I want to change the world. I have unique gifts that want to come out and play. I am tired of living in a box, the box I created to protect myself from life's ills. It's what will allow me to be an empathic, spiritual practitioner. I want to live breathe in the beauty that surrounds us. I want to believe that I can leave the drama and enter into my own sacred temple and experience the joy, sorrow, and see the deepness that life has to offer. To accept and love people for who they are. I know everything is a work in progress but I truly seek a bigger and larger life. I seek people like me, on my plane, my peers, my sisters, people that truly want depth and understand that I need action. That I don't necessarily want to be the person all the time that reaches out. What if you reached out what would that feel like for you? Would you notice like I notice that you were making an effort in a different way? I am loyal and I see how difficult connection is in our society. I see how badly I want it. It's not easy it takes work and sometimes it seems walking away is the best option. That indeed the best option is let go of the person who cannot hold what you need held. In moments away from my anger and grief of losing these people I can see how we are different. That though in a lot ways I still need to grow into myself. I have grown in such deep and profound ways it has unfortunately separated myself. But I have also done the separating. Ever notice how your anger, hatred, hurt separates and blinds you from seeing what is. From seeing what is the true truth. If I want people to show up I have to let go. I have wear fabric bright as pink, and dark as black. To truly embrace all of who I am I have to dance, and laugh and cry. There is no have to or force to and must be done organically. It must be embraced within the construct of life. And I must let go of the t-shirts, sweatshirts and play with fabric. Play with the idea that my body is beautiful that indeed I am a Goddess.

In the application we were asked if we could pick a Goddess name what would it be. I looked up a few. Juno, Maat or Maya, Minerva. Maybe even Kersair- Goddess of the Celtics who is daughter of the cosmos and connected to the sea and the great flood.I feel connected to the Truth, wisdom, medicine, and healing. I am excited by the idea of learning more about myself. Learning how to partner.

But I am realizing that it time to let go of my grief, it is time to live for myself and no one else. To love life, to give myself, to allow myself to be involved and connected. To stretch and expand to see where the sea will take me.

Freedom

It continues to amaze but sadden me how deeply my worth is embedded in other people's approval. I can feel it every time my mother disapproves or has a certain perspective about my life. It is my life I'm allowing other people define how I live it. I've been working so hard to get back to what I would call stable ground. Working so hard to live my life's work, but this is part of it. Learning to be truly independent. It wouldn't be our life's work if it were easy now would it? No. She won't be the last to question my choices. I have thought this through and perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps I will change my mind before incurring debt, perhaps after. Either way I do trust in the universe. In the divine ancient wisdom. I want to share this with the world. A part of this journey is being able to stand strong in my own sense of self, strong enough not to be swayed. But the key to all of this to also be able to listen and hear other people.

I am a dissector of life, I pick it all a part in detail, maybe you don't see it. And inside of all this worth, I can feel the anger and angst that comes with places my worth and power in someone else's hands. How do I get it back? How do I stand on my own and scream at the top of my lungs that I know this to be true... I do not know yet. I can feel the path opening up before my feet. It's no longer about traditional views that in fact if I truly open my heart from the inside out, and leave nothing behind. I will in fact carve a path to be proud of. My legacy will be choosing to heal my wounds. To chose to live in a world where I am honored no revered for my work. Deeply respected not because I helped you but because you are deeply loved. To find that priestess place inside myself and allow it be seen, heard, allow it to scream, and shatter all preconceived notions. I want the support. I feel the craving, I feel the emptiness I want her to fill. I feel it all. And anger fills the space. How dare you call it rushing into it, not thinking it through... do you know me? All I do is play it safe. I play it safe ALL the time. I'm tired of safe, I'm tired of okay, I'm tired of content. I'm tired of the middle road. I'm tired of selling myself short because some belief, or person, or thing tells me I can't. I was born a beautiful woman and I will be damned if that escapes me. My determination at times feels unparallelled. And I know there is hope for our lives yet. My life is changing. I am changing in ways I never even thought possible. Which makes me believe. Which reminds that there is HOPE. That hope is in my heart that I can indeed make this happen. Will it be easy? No. Nothing in my life has come easy. But does that mean I should walk away because of money, because of anything for that matter. I don't believe so. I believe that if I really am meant to do this, if I am really meant to help people in this way. There will be support, somehow somewhere along the way I will find the path that leads me to emotional, spiritual, financial, and mental freedom. And the path to get there is true internal and external independence.

Relationships

I have been sitting with this question of how to be, how do we engage in our relationships? How do we find meaning, love, and support without feeling disappointment, resentment, anger?

I ask because this is my experience. A feeling of severe angst inside when I read others posts about feeling as though they belong to this wonderful community, or they were so deeply supported. And I sit wondering in jealousy and anger why don't I have this in my life? Why is it so hard for me to develop that kind of closeness? Part of it is with some people there is an experience of fakeness, a feeling that someone doesn't really care. If they cared wouldn't they make some kind of effort to be a part of my life. Anything really just some small token that you care and you want me to include me in your adventures. And I'm left feeling lonely, jealous, angry, hurt, needy, and alone. And my retort to all these feelings is well if you can't make the effort I'm leaving. Maybe it works for other people to have acceptance for people escaping into their own lives, but for some reason this doesn't work for me. Maybe because I've known this feeling for years. I've had the experience with my mother of deeply wishing for her to see me, to know me, and yet it's always been about her and her needs. And that is my experience in relationship with others, not across the board. What is community if it is not about keeping your word? What is community if you do not include and reach out? Why do I always have to reach in? In truth I've taken the sword and severed the connection. Because I can't, this is not what I want.

I want people in my life to grow with in life and adventure. I want people to learn who I am, experience me from the inside out. Not for my issues, my wounds, but for my brilliance. And when you build a community around transformational healing it becomes about the wounds and not so much the wonders. And I can here the echoing of people challenging me. But what they see as true I do not experience. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there is some forgiveness that needs to occur both for myself and for the women in community. There must be another way to live. I'm convinced that truly there is an experience to letting go. When you grew up in such a codependent environment, I just want to stand on my own two feet. I just want to experience the world as whole, as one, as beauty. And I know it was time to step away. And the anger and the hurt is related to my grief. That in the end Shakti was not what I thought it was, in the end I needed to walk away in order to find myself. I feel the grief. And angst of disappointment and aloneness.

And I'm still finding myself. I'm still searching for who it is I want to be. Who I am becoming. Can you grow with me? Can you see deeper than my words and actions? For I am hurting inside. I've been hurting all my life. And I have begun to see the connections however small. There is a glimmer of hope that maybe one day I will be able to build the kind of relationships I crave.

Living

I've been wanting to write for days. Have you ever had an experience that can't be articulated? An experience that you swear no one could ever understand? That you yourself aren't sure you understand. That's been my life the last few years. First my father's death and the numbness that came with it. The people who left, the people who I asked to leave, and the people who stayed. At times I just have memories flood through me like a river. This weekend it wasn't about my father but rather my mother. My mother who almost lost her life and I just can't help but think I wasn't there soon enough. And when I arrived she had no idea who I was. It is the single most frightening event that I have experienced. It took my breath away, it shattered my heart, it turned me silent. And now months later I wonder how we survive such an experience. I spent days in the hospital with her. My brother spent more time. I am only 31. And I begin to wonder what the universe is trying to teach me and why I am the one who needs to learn this lesson. Will it provide a greater gift to the universe?

I remember walking into the room and taking my mother's hand looking into her eyes. She stared back but it was so frightening. She looked straight through me as if she did not recognize me. As if I barely existed. She could only reply in one word answers. She wasn't there, she has no memory of me arriving. And I can't help but remember this time, remember how I felt. There was regret, fear, and loneliness in my heart. All I could grab hold of was the practical. I was desperate for something to do. I couldn't help her, I couldn't save her, and yet I know it's not my responsibility. But the vulnerability of the experience is what hits me now. The realization that people couldn't quite understand what I was facing, how truly bad it was. That it wasn't a choice to get on that plane. My mother was dying.... and those are the words that strike me now. What does death truly mean? Fragility, chance, change, metamorphosis? Yes all of it. And I step out of the despair of my vulnerability and step into an experience of a chance to change everything. To have a relationship with my mother, to connect, be and share with her.

Lately, I have been going through an experience. If you are a stranger reading this, I have struggled all my life acknowledging my sexuality and figuring out what that means has been a challenging. Where on the spectrum do I land? Do I need a label? Or could I just let the universe show me to the person that could make me happy on all levels? I'd like to think that is possible. I've been trying to meet new people and a variety of ways. First I joined a faith community for the first time. It's been wonderful. I got invited to a Soup dinner, and well it was not what I expected. I know I dress comfortably and many assume I'm gay, but truthfully I am unsure. Well this dinner party was full of lesbian couples. I had a good experience. I don't know if I'll go back but maybe. And I truly don't know where I stand. There's also a man at Church that has caught my interest. This all feels important to share with my mother, to bridge the gap, and not worry about responses. It's time to live life.

What are you waiting for? What holds you back from living your dreams? What holds you back from living?

Day of the Dead

This past month at Church has been about Death. I've never been somewhere where death is spoken to so directly and beautifully. Some days I can believe that my father is in each whisper in the wind, the rain that flows down, and each flower and piece of nature surrounding me. I felt it today. And yet there is such a deep emptiness, a deep sense of trauma, of unfairness that I can't shake. It builds a wall between myself and the world. I can't describe how deeply alone I feel most days, how deeply I wish I could dig a hole and cry. And yet during the day of the dead ceremony no tears flowed. I can feel that there is so much I want to express. I wish I could say that it is okay that it's taking me so long to grieve. But I feel as though I am letting my father down. I can feel the anger brew, I feel stuck in three years ago. The moment you receive a call like that there is no erasing it. It replays in my head over and over again. My brother crying on the phone in a way that no one can understand. My mother asking what she should do with the body. Then asking me to decide if I wanted to see him. God, I still don't know if I made the right decision. Maybe it would have brought it home. There were so many decisions that I had no capacity to make. And now all I want is some peace in my heart. I want to speak to him again. I would give almost anything to talk to my father again. I miss him terribly. I miss him in my bones. And I feel so conflicted inside. Between whether I should or shouldn't. It eats at my bones. Maybe we did have an unhealthy relationship, maybe maybe maybe. I don't know. The intensity of what I feel cannot be described. I look at all I've been through in the last three years and I want to scream at the unfairness. The unfairness to my family. The unfairness of life. And yet I see beauty, it filters in. I feel it. I witness it. But the time now feels so internal. I don't really want to be touched. I don't want to be held. The time has passed and now I witness the anger that runs through my heart. Wishing so deeply to be seen and heard in the real way. I don't want to be pitied. I don't want sympathy. I want you to see me as human, a wounded being that truly just wants to be loved for where I am. To honor my soul's journey. And I realize not everyone is able to do this. Many people do not have the capacity to step outside of themselves.

And I just pray that my mother will heal. That we will all heal from the inside out. And learn how to find the beauty in the world again.

My Grief is Only Mine

Today in Church we discussed "A Grief Observed". She described how our grief is only ours. No one can truly understand what we feel, what we gain, or what we lose from loss. The depth of feeling that still exists inside of me after 2 and half years without my father is indescribable. By expressing that you understand how I feel, what I am going through, that you know what I need. You have pushed me away. I just lost a friend for this reason. There are other friends that seem to be afraid of grief, of my grief. All I really want is to be seen for where I am really at. The truth. The fear. The avoidance. The deep hurt that I am truly alone. The feeling of false empathy, sympathy, when a person's actions don't align with their words. I turn my back because I barely know how to sit in what is called grief. And I feel as though what's happened is that all many many of my relationships were forced to changed. Because my perspective on the world is permanently changed. I am still a young woman. I am too young for all of this to have happened. I have not figured out how to rebound, how to rebound back from the trauma. Maybe mostly because I feel overwhelmed by it. I feel so overwhelmed by the trauma to both my parents. But what I know is that my father was a rock in my life and without him I am being forced to learn how to live.

There was something else the reverend spoke to today about being a ghost. I feel as though I don't have permission to be a ghost that my friends wanted me to be someone I wasn't. That they wanted/want me to snap out of it. And because I've been unable to I'm lost in the wilderness. I still crave the friend that would make me dinner, bring me dinner, call just ask how I am. The friend that can handle the deep sadness that exists inside my well. And all I can wonder is what would it have been like if I'd been able to say goodbye. What would it have been like to be able to tell my father just how much I loved him. And now I wonder what would be like to live his legacy? What would be like to stand upon a mountain top and breathe in the clear, crisp air? What would be like to be adventurous?

And yet when I find the silence. I see the change I see how much I have changed. How I've had to let go of people that aren't able to support me in this depth. And I see that I have a unique perspective. That I may have a gift to offer those in grief when I reach the other side. Because truth be told I need to cry, I need to scream, I need to be held deeply in my grief.

And Dad I truly hope you are singing in the angel's choir, I hope you are telling jokes, watching us all the while. Know that I am trying to move through but the ache of missing you pulls on me. I regret not calling you, if I had known I would have called. If I had known I would have gone skiing with you. I know this sounds unrealistic. But if I had known there is so much I would have shared with you. In death I know see that there is a chance still to have you in my life.