My Grief is Only Mine

Today in Church we discussed "A Grief Observed". She described how our grief is only ours. No one can truly understand what we feel, what we gain, or what we lose from loss. The depth of feeling that still exists inside of me after 2 and half years without my father is indescribable. By expressing that you understand how I feel, what I am going through, that you know what I need. You have pushed me away. I just lost a friend for this reason. There are other friends that seem to be afraid of grief, of my grief. All I really want is to be seen for where I am really at. The truth. The fear. The avoidance. The deep hurt that I am truly alone. The feeling of false empathy, sympathy, when a person's actions don't align with their words. I turn my back because I barely know how to sit in what is called grief. And I feel as though what's happened is that all many many of my relationships were forced to changed. Because my perspective on the world is permanently changed. I am still a young woman. I am too young for all of this to have happened. I have not figured out how to rebound, how to rebound back from the trauma. Maybe mostly because I feel overwhelmed by it. I feel so overwhelmed by the trauma to both my parents. But what I know is that my father was a rock in my life and without him I am being forced to learn how to live.

There was something else the reverend spoke to today about being a ghost. I feel as though I don't have permission to be a ghost that my friends wanted me to be someone I wasn't. That they wanted/want me to snap out of it. And because I've been unable to I'm lost in the wilderness. I still crave the friend that would make me dinner, bring me dinner, call just ask how I am. The friend that can handle the deep sadness that exists inside my well. And all I can wonder is what would it have been like if I'd been able to say goodbye. What would it have been like to be able to tell my father just how much I loved him. And now I wonder what would be like to live his legacy? What would be like to stand upon a mountain top and breathe in the clear, crisp air? What would be like to be adventurous?

And yet when I find the silence. I see the change I see how much I have changed. How I've had to let go of people that aren't able to support me in this depth. And I see that I have a unique perspective. That I may have a gift to offer those in grief when I reach the other side. Because truth be told I need to cry, I need to scream, I need to be held deeply in my grief.

And Dad I truly hope you are singing in the angel's choir, I hope you are telling jokes, watching us all the while. Know that I am trying to move through but the ache of missing you pulls on me. I regret not calling you, if I had known I would have called. If I had known I would have gone skiing with you. I know this sounds unrealistic. But if I had known there is so much I would have shared with you. In death I know see that there is a chance still to have you in my life.