Wonder

Some days I wonder how it is I make it through. How is it that learn? I feel lost in every aspect of the word. My stomach turns unable to really digest my food, and wonder how long will this last. How long will I need basic self care? I want to run, I really do want to be happy again but it feels so nearly impossible. Even talking seems like a difficult task. I'd rather walk alone right now. Day in and Day out, it's not helpful to tell me to change my perspective or thought process. Call it what you will. I call it grief, I call out it burn out, I call it my path. Perhaps you call it control or resistance. By labeling it that I then feel a sense of doing this all WRONG. I want to do right by my father. I want to heal and yet it feels as though I'm scrapping my nails down the chalk board. I sit with the world spinning around me in every color imaginable, it's overwhelming, I do not have the energy to fight the stimulus. All I can do is hope that I don't drown. It's a feeble existence I just do not know how to cope with your death, Dad. It's overwhelming and I've lost track of my heart. My mind sends me through crazy trip after crazy trip. My body is screaming for relief. And all I can do is drop to my knees and pray I'll make it without something breaking before I cross the finish line. I believe and I do not believe. I want to be understood without a word uttered from my mouth, I want to be left alone. All and all I don't understand shit. Yep that's the bottom line of my fatigue. The unknown is so scary and all I want is a chance to say goodbye to you. Sometimes when I listen to the radio I resonate with these loves songs not because there was something romantic but rather because I cared for you that much. I miss you that much. However, weird that may sound. There is something soothing about listen to a song about heartbreak. Because I'm devasted, heart broken, and dying on the inside. With no other options than to pick up my foot and take a step. I was taught never to give up, yet it amazes me how much I'm hurting. One day I will let the world know, I'll stop hiding it on the inside. Because I deserve to live in reality and to stop pretending I am okay. One day I will be however it probably won't be today.

When I think of you dad, you are the glisten of the sun on the flowers. You are the love that grows my garden, you are what keeps me going knowing that I must share what it means to be loved with those around me. Thank you for teaching and helping me grow even beyond death itself.