Giving In

I begin to wonder at what point does the void and emptiness fade. At what point does my sense of self return. At what point does life feel a sense for normality. Or is this out of scope of normal. Is the idea of normal an illusion to the human mind? All I can do is sit and wonder. My heart filled with so much pain and anguish that it's difficult to do anything. I'm beginning to wonder if truly my avoidance in calling people is not because I need space but more because I don't know what to say. If I talk nothing makes sense and my confusion persists. It's easier to stay quiet and pretend that life is okay in my silence. It's not okay. I cry out for my father's voice, and I can hear it faintly. But all in all the emptiness of my heart is overwhelming. I sit wondering how people cope. How you ever learn to have fun again. It makes me feel so weak that I cannot seem to move in, that it take so much for me to cry. I am so angry but it will not leave. I tried hitting a punching bag, then the thought of explaining how I broke my hand caused me to stop. Life has become dismal and I wish I knew a way to cheer myself on. It's not as if I'm giving up merely giving over to the attempt to become unstuck. Giving over to the very fact that I am not the same as I once was. I am a fatherless daughter. And that statement alone provokes emotion so deep. I wonder how it is I will even maintain relationships, speak truth, when it seems I'm barely scraping by. Then I sit and wonder if perhaps this all just a game. I am strong, brave, and courageous I do not let people walk over me. Will I really give up, no not in a million years. I may however be falling for a little while. And all that seems possible is breathing, crying, screaming, and recognizing the intensity of this experience. Knowing that no one in my life truly understands my experience, no one truly can see how complex it is, though I desperately wish someone could recognize how hard this is. Remind me how well I'm doing, how much I'm doing, and that's it's a fucking miracle. Instead I'm left to tell myself at the end of the day, good job you made it through. Let's keep going, what needs to be done now. There is a deep desire, wish, that perhaps maybe somehow I could find a way to really laugh, to have fun, it feels so far away from my finger tips right now.