Mystery of Life

Sometimes I wonder how we all deal with Life. I sit with so many questions. Why can’t I sit with myself and still feel joy? Why do I need people so badly in my life? Why do I attract drama I have no control over into my family life? Why do I constantly feel unseen or unheard? The questions go on. They create this feeling of aloneness, of fear, of anger… I loose focus on my goals, I loose focus on my Life. It’s as if the whole world becomes a narrow pin prick. I am alone and there is not a soul that could understand my particular angst. And yet WHY am I so angry, why am I so restless? I desperately want answers to these questions. I want to be happy. But the message from today’s sermon is very clear. I must live the questions and stop trying to find the answers. Because I am not ready to live the answers so I must live the questions. But what does this really mean asks my mind?? And all I can answer in response is that sometimes there are no answers. I think to what is causing my heart pain and it is the reality of what I spoke in Church this morning. The realization on one level I am alone and on another that if I take a risk the load becomes lighter. It only takes a moment to reach out a caring touch, a caring thought, a caring hug. That is all I really need. I don’t need to share with you the details of my struggles. That has been my mistake in the past. My addiction to drama creates such a turbulent experience when I do. I share the details and I become less and less present to the NOW. To the experience in this moment. So my mother almost died does everyone need to know my desperation about that fact. No. But here I tell you I’m dying inside at this fact and I don’t know how to move beyond it. I don’t know how to live with this fact. It seems so silly to me. But I am scared and that is why I’m struggling moving on. I am scared I am going to experience MORE loss. And all I can think about is how much bad has entered my life instead of how much good has entered it. I remember the words I uttered in Church this am “I am so grateful that I have more time with my mother.” And I am. I am so fucking grateful that I get to have more time with my mother. That I get to enjoy her presence in a way I did not get to experience with my father. And I can feel all the vulnerability inside this. I left church with a deep opening in my heart, a deep sense that there is something, a gift inside this community that I have yet to receive. And more than anything that’s what I want. That’s what we all need a reminder of love. A reminder that we are not alone. Because when you’re world feels blown apart and you have told everyone a million times over and over again. It’s old, you know my father died, I know my father is dead. And yet I’m hung on it. But the one reach out of the hand today reminded me I am not alone. And yet I can sense the way to empowerment is learning how to engage in life in other ways beyond my sorrow. To engage from my joys, my love, and my ability to listen to myself. That is what I am hear to learn. Teach me to listen, to be listened to, to hear the deepest whispering from the inner stirrings of this universe. Let me be held. Let me see all the beauty in the whole world. For I understand that life is a mystery and I am learning how to accept what is but it isn’t easy. Everyday I struggle with myself to let spirit in, everyday I wonder what my father is doing, everyday I send my mother prayers, everyday I miss the certainity of a life that is no longer mine, everyday I am reminded of the mystery of life. And I am learning to live with the questions, to breathe through the questions, and have respect for the questions that have no answers.

Why did you take my father away from me? Why did I get sick? Why was I abused? Why is my mother sick? None of these have answers. They will never have answers. I sit wondering how we sit with the questions, which in essence means sitting with myself, learning to feel the inner layers of my heart. To begin to tease out the sticky anger layers that bind me to my fear. In relationship to others I have let go in great amounts. But I still greatly crave for people to WANT to be with me. And I don’t feel that way, I am learning how to step out of the small child that wants attention to the adult that can create her own way. It’s time, it’s time to let go of approval, of validation and step into being my own salvation. Kiya Heartwood, a beautiful song writer, sings “I will be my own salvation, I will be my only priest.” I leave you with this. How can you be your own priest? How can you step so fully into your own heart that you do not need other people’s approval? It does not mean you do not need people, for we all do, but it translates to a health need. A healthy and empowered way of being.