Admission

I write this for me. I am depressed, I know it, and yet I can't quite extract myself. Today was a day of exhaustion and rest. And knowingly I am eating emotionally I can feel it. I bought pasta and chocolate. I know my hormones are off. I am moody. There is so much rage inside me it's hard to describe. But I'm owning that I am engaging in escape tonight good pasta with a movie. Maybe in writing my psyche will hear the call to step up into a more empowered place, a place where I don't need a movie and pasta to feel better. That I can feasibly shift my energy. But I'm lonely. I feel as though I can count on no one. It's hard to explain. But I have those I call sisters but I don't feel a mutual connection anymore. It feels as though it's fading into a new realm. A realm I don't understand. So I react in fear and I shut down. I shut the door, my container weeps. And sit wondering why I cannot find people that truly want and desire to connect with me. Not just saying hi on the phone but following through with hanging out with me. I deeply desire it and yet I can feel how far from the truth it is. And the truth is I am still locked inside a box I can't quite step out of. I need to have fun, and let go of what controls my actions. And it's time to let go of the anger, and resentment towards the people that don't have the capacity to show up in the way I wish. And I just wish so badly to be loved in a deep intimate way. But I'm beginning to realize that in order to really receive that love I need to embrace loving myself. And this is why I eat. I hate and loath myself in so many ways. I am scared to change to truly do the work that involves changing my core beliefs. But I must if I truly want the life of my dreams I must step away from the self loathing, the illusions, and embrace all that I can change. It is time to step into my life, to step into finding friendships that feed my soul, and to allow myself to be seen not necessarily by others but most importantly by myself. If I can see myself for the truth and rawness inside of me I know I can heal. I know I can find my way through the forest. And the message over and over again is that this is the soul's journey and I must embark on it alone. And  yet as I hear those words I also know that there is a piece of human connection that must be met in order to step out of this escape of food and electronics. This need is something that must be met. It's time to make some friends.