The Fog

There are moments where the world spins, I'm on autopilot. Nothing feels real. It's as if everything around me disappears I concentrate only on the next step. Where do I put my right foot. There are so many times where your death seems to disappear into the depths of life. All that I'm left with is pure exhaustion. Fatigue that cannot be healed with enough sleep, cannot be healed with eating right, only time eases the difficulty. The fog shadows all my awareness. I can feel the pull of my heart. The ache for my father. Everyday at work I look at him and think God I miss my father. How lucky these children are they still have their's. And yet it's only in the background everything is in the background. The trials in relationship pull on my body like a cold that won't go away. It's as if I just can't find ease, grace, a flow with the grief. Some say I'm doing remarkably well. I say it looks good. That perhaps I'm not doing nearly as well as it seems. Maybe I'm selling myself short. It's difficult for me to tell when I can't seem to even grasp how I feel. Because all I feel is tired. So tired that I almost want to give up. I hate to say it because I've worked so hard to have hope. To have love, to have friendship. But each day it seems I struggle to believe that it is there. To believe that people care enough about me that I will still be able to float through this. All I'd like is for you to listen, to take some responsibility. Yet I'm so tired of asking. I'm so tired of life. It's exhausting chasing people who run the other way. What is the right thing?
I'm too tired to know. Dad do you see how tired I am? I pray that you're near. When I'm this tired, it's as if I"m floating through space without you. Though I wish I could see you I know when the fog lifts you'll return to tell me you're so proud. That you love me, that I am still your little girl.
At times I sit wondering, wondering the differences in people. How some of us can stand so TALL in the face of udder tradegy and others crumble in fear. What would happen if we all surrender into love and friendship. Took responsibility for our lives. I'd like to think I wouldn't feel so alone. I'd like to think maybe this fog wouldn't be so thick. That maybe it would be more like oil than molasses.

Deathly Anger

It strikes me as a such a predicament I am in. We are human and therefore have relationships. What I want seems so far out of my reach and yet it sits right in my palm. I have the power of choice. I have the power of perspective. It's nights like these where I wonder where my hope lies. The anger overwhelms every pore of my body. I scream, I kick, I cry because the world no longer makes sense. Without my father it seems cruel and unusual. It seems foreign. My compassion for others is lessened and my anger is exploding from the inside out. Doing this on my own seems nearly impossible. I wish I could sit across from my dearest friends and tell them. Share with them my heart, but I fear I do not even understand what it is telling me. I feel closed off from myself. I feel closed to the world. The world took my father away without a minute to say goodbye. Why should I bend? Why should I let go of my anger? Because I want to be whole. I want to learn how to give what I desire from others to myself. But this with the depth of my pain feels nearly impossible. I see my need to tell someone I'm exploding, imploding. It relieves some pressure. A response is not necessary. Just listen, Just see me for all that I am.

Without you Dad. I feel as though I've lost everything. I've lost mom, I've lost my sense of self, I've lost my heart, I've lost my ability to have loving confrontations, I've lost all that I thought I had found. It is the most rewarding and painful journey I have ever embarked upon. I desperately grabbing at straws. Because Dad I miss you. You were my rock. "A child is not fully born until a parent dies". This strikes me deeply as the nut of the journey. How will I be fully born into the world? My father held so much that fear encases me as I face his death. I'm met with cultural fear of death, cultural avoidance. I have friends who do not realize this is most likely why they don't call. This is the world tells me to stop crying. That I should be over it. But I am not. My father was a huge part of my life. Well world. I'm pissed. And somehow I am going to find a way for this to change. I will not avoid it. I will talk about it in the most public places. I will somehow learn to be one with my heart once again. One day you will see that I will be reborn through death.

Remembering You

Dear Dad,

It's an odd feeling knowing that you are no longer here. Knowing that I have lost a great man in my life. At times all I can do is stare into the beyond with no words, no expression, just emptiness. It fills me. I miss in a way I cannot describe. I'm screaming from the inside out. And yet it is the deepest loneliness I've ever experienced. It does not seem to matter how much love other people send my way. Without you life is difficult, life has lost meaning. Tragedy has changed me, Dad. I'm not your little girl anymore, I've been touched by your death. It scares me more than I'd like to admit. You were not old and decrepit. You were young and healthy. You were my angel. You are my angel. But it's nights like tonight where I look at the moon and the stars and I remember you. I remember watching them with you. I remember finding saturn's rings. I remember your laugh, your smile, your way being. And so desperately wish I could find a way there. How do we live our parent's legacies? How do we carry on when we've been touched by something the world pretends doesn't exists. I'm trying dad, for you I keep going. Knowing you are walking with me. Knowing you are now my guide. But I do not know how to talk to mom anymore. I wish I could talk to you, you'd explain to me a way to approach it. All of this is lost in the sea of grief. I stand alone watching the world pass by me and all that I can do is watch. I just never imagined this possibility. There is so much I wish I could say to you. I want my last goodbye. I want to hear your voice telling me it will be okay. I look into your eyes and I remember the love, I remember how you'd want me to live. Then I take a deep breath for there is nothing else to be done. I take in your love and begin to forge a path back to my own heart so that I may transform your love into my own. I miss you dad.

Love your little Dee Dee Girl.

The Hole

Falling down the hole again
There seems to be an ocean down there.
Conversation is useless.
Fighting though is pointless
But I continue.
Anger begins to seep out
Of all that I so careful sew.
What is left?
How do you love
When you are simply blinded.
Where is the light...
It is sewn so tightly
that it's not visible to my eyes.
It becomes faint in the fabric.
And I become desperate for an answer.
Yet none will heal my heart.

Its All About Me

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust.
Its all about me.
Yet the whole world believes its all about them.
Grief.
Its mine alone.
Stop pretending
that you understand.
Stop pretending that it's about my mother
Or my brother.
Stop being prey
To societies beliefs.
My angst
My lonliness
My darkness
My joy
Is only mine.
Are you so uncomfortable
That you must make it about someone else?
Because it's all about me.
My choices are not yours.
What will you choose to do now?
Do you hear what I am saying?
Its all about me.
He is my father.
My unique knowing
Allows all the colors on the leaves to change.
And yet I will not change the world.
Not right now.
I will only be me.
I will only call out to my father.
I will only cry when I need to.
I will only scream when I need to.
I will laugh when I need to.
There is no should.
There is no have to.
The outside does not dictate
My joys
My darkness.
It's all about me.
I decide how I will grieve.
You may stand there
Not understand the change in my heart.
I don't ask for understanding.
I ask that you watch without words.
You watch me journey deeper.
I ask you to make it all about me just this once.
Honor my father by watching, waiting, witnessing.
Honor me in the same.
It is all about me.

Regaining Ground

Spiritual Container

You are outside of the cognitive realm.

A color undescribable.

A tool that requires no more than a listening ear.

A gentle touch of the shoulder.

A brush of the cheek 

A wonder at the sky.

A peaceful guidance and safety.

I wonder if you are the answer. 

For I do not trust you anymore. 

The day my dad died I lost trust in your protection. 

Yet I see clearly now you will bring the color back.

My life will be easier.

I pray to you now

In all the pain

In all the sorrow

And in all the joy. 

Help is needed

Near and Far. 

Will you join me again?

Strengthening around Brokenness

I wish I take from you the hurt

The pain that YES I feel it too. 

And yet I have no idea how you are inside. 

I wish I could show you how beautiful you are.

You are a prime example of strength and courage!

Yet it's too much for you.

And then it's too much for me.

All I wish for is truth.

And yet I also wish for my mother. 

My father is gone.

And a part of my mother left with him.

Sadness ripples in waves that I do not understand.

How does a family return after a death?

How is it possible to find joy again?

The strength I see in my mother is there.

Yet anger fills the room

like a wave of fire. 

My family has fallen.

I have fallen with them.

Life is not linear

Life is not black and white.

Life has become a painting I cannot comprehend.

Yet underneath all of it my family

gives me hope.

My father was my hope.

Now hope is my lifeline.