The Holidays

The holidays now contain a whole new meaning. A meaning I'm not sure I'd like to grasp. A meaning that almost escapes me. It is dread, despair, loneliness. It is no longer a meaning of joy and happiness. I'd like to blackout the holidays. Create a non-existing experience. Go do something else. It's darkest before the dawn. And I sit wondering where my reality begins and where it ends. I float into feelings and float out because they are just too painful. I'm not entirely sure I want to. I'm not entirely sure how to make sense of your death. It eats at me. It create a chaos I'm not sure how to approach. Journaling seems so impossible. So I write to the internet world knowing only a few actually may read my words. Are the words worth writing? Yes this as close as I get to feeling, expressing my truth. I sit looking remember the events of the last few days. Watching my friend cry for me and the anguish that created in my own psyche. Shouldn't I be crying for my loss? For all the synchronicity? And yet I've built a rock wall I only take down in private, because without my father life is so... difficult. Then there's today's story of a friend calling with an odd surprise. Do you want Owl wings? And I didn't hesitate of course I do! The wisdom emanating from above my bed reminding me to fly! Yes spirit you are there in the most amazing ways. And I sit crying wondering if this is the first gift from the universe during these holidays. For some nights it feels so dark I wonder if I will rise come daylight. If I'll barricade myself ignoring all that life is blessing me with. When it is darkest before the dawn I seem to be missing out on my life. This weekend a four almost five year old taught me that. Children can remind us what is important. And yet though I know I missing out on my life. I also feel as though I am grieving I miss my father. Esp. right now. And all I can do is hope I do not break. This all I want for Christmas is a healed heart.