Remberance of 9/11

It strikes me with such sadness to listen to the voices of 9/11. In some ways it feels as if I can relate so more deeply to their experience even if my father wasn't killed by a building that someone crashed a plane to. But I remember ALL my thoughts and actions both the day 9/11 happened and the day my father died. It has such an impact, it's written across everything I do. One woman said "You do not recover from it you heal, but you remember always, there is always a void". This is difficult to come to grips with as I desperately want to heal, I want to recover, I want my life. But I will never be able to fill the void, I will become more comfortable with it over time. There is no replacing the man who raised me, who stood by me always when milestones occur. Only my father can walk me down the aisle. Only my father could do so many things. And it is in that, that causes me to feel as though life has ended. In the scariest way I fear returning to a place of deep darkness, of feeling the depth of this sorrow. And I truly don't think anyone can fully understand that. Saying I'm doing great is so superficial to me. I won't be doing great for a long time. And all I can sit with is today is wow, I called him that day. I don't remember what he said, but I remember it was comforting. I remember sitting on the stairs in the dorm hallway. The first day of classes. I called my parents it would have never occurred to me the possibility that 10 years later he would gone. Life is so short, I just haven't figured out how to let go. How do I live his legacy? How do I now comfort people in tragedy? How do I share his love when it hurts so much to acknowledge it. One day Dad, the light is going to shine through the deep darkness your passing has left. Perhaps it already is and I just can't find it today. Love you always.