Sneaky Grief

I'm finding as of late a deep lack of motivation and I'm beginning to wonder about grief. If I a really missing my father and the truth is I believe I am. I just got into med school and my father is no where in site. I feel like I'm treading through quicksand while waging a war against myself. It strikes me that it's two weeks before thanksgiving. I have made no plans and have no desire to engage with the holiday. That perhaps I am a little depressed and perhaps I am still grieving. I look at my eating patterns. My desire, deep desire to be seen. And all the struggles with motivation. Thanksgiving is around the corner and christmas not far in the future. I am left struggling to find ways to breathe in the chaos. I forget just how much my father's death impacts almost all aspects of my life. The last time I saw him was Thanksgiving 2010. And how do you experience such a loss and be okay. How do have your dreams come true and not have him by your side? He was my rock, he was the person I called about everything logistical, And now I am moving to portland, I am struggling through O chem, I am a rock star at work, and all I want is for my father to listen to one more story. To tell me how to navigate the move. Or the reality that he would help me move... I know it's a little codependent, but I just miss that kind of dependability. I miss having a father to turn to. My mother just is not the same. There is so much judgment. I am left wondering how to relieve this feeling inside my heat. The deep sadness and fear of failing a man who is no longer alive. I want to make him proud, I want him to see how amazing his daughter is. And I only feel this way because he's gone. I need to hear him but I am so busy that I cannot hear him clearly. I am so busy I cannot find time to honor the fact that the biggest transition of my life is upon me and my father is not here to share it with. And at the end of the day I am sad. I am deeply sad and angry. Its all there. Its always there just sometimes I forget.